I recently decided to be a good friend and great American and read Sarah Palin's book, cutting out the 95% of it that was faux-folksy literary Ambien or snoozy RNC-prepared policy points, territory that Sean Hannity covers more thoroughly and convincingly.
I posted these notes one at a time on facebook so that my current and future internet friends would not have to succumb to temptation or curiosity and ever even pick it up off the shelf to thumb idly, and present it here in chronologically-correct, one-stop bloggy format. Enjoy.
"Dedicated to all Patriots who share my love of the United States of America. And particularly to our women and men in uniform, past and present." Me and Markos Moulitsas couldn't thank you enough, Sarah.
"Halibut tacos and reindeer sausage." -- page 1. That's a full sentence. Off to a great start.
"I saw the Alaska Right to Life booth, where a poster caught my eye ... 'That's you baby," I whispered to Piper[.]" -- page 2. No, literally, Alaska RTL uses a baby picture of Sarah Palin's daughter on its poster.
First mention of Ronald Reagan -- page 3
"I offered up a silent fallback prayer: Please, Lord, just for an hour, anything but politics. I punched the green phone icon and answered hopefully, 'This is Sarah.' It was Senator John McCain, asking if I wanted to help him change history." -- page 6
"I remember arguing with the nun who taught catechism and tried to teach me to write the letter E. It seemed a naked letter to me, so I was determined to reinvent it. I insisted she let me improve it with at least a few more horizontal lines." -- page 9. Even at a young age Palin resisted the heavy-handed liberal agenda item of scantily-clad characters.
"[Palin's father] Chuck Heath ... arrived for the hunting and fishing but actually hit the trifecta: he got the adventure he yearned for and earned his master's degree in education and got a pay raise to boot. The State of Alaska was paying a premium, $6,000 a year (more than twice what he was paid in Idaho), to attract more teachers." -- page 14. So if it weren't for government largesse your family would never have trekked to Alaska and we probably would never have heard of you ... all of a sudden I'm feeling more charitable toward conservatism.
"The lunar landing had happened in July 1969, before school started, but even watching taped images of an American walking on the moon stirred in me an overwhelming pride in our country -- that we could achieve something so magnificent." -- page 15. Was the Apollo moonshot a private flight? I forget.
"I love meat." -- page 18
"I always remind people from outside our state that there's plenty of room for all Alaska's animals -- right next to the mashed potatoes." -- page 18-19
"Alaska is home to ... ever-shifting glaciers, one larger than the state of Delaware[.]" -- page 19. Subtle jab at the guy who got the job she ran for? 'We got ice cubes bigger than your fucking state, Joe!'
"One year, while stalking sheep, I disappeared." -- page 19
"The employment boom and energy production [from the Trans-Alaska pipeline] were the upside of development. The downside was the concurrent spike in social problems. Without the law enforcement resources to keep things in check, prostitution, gambling, and illegal drugs proliferated ... [and] stressed local infrastructure." -- page 21. You mean the free market didn't take care of all that? Weird.
"Ever the pragmatist, I also tested God's promises." -- page 22. Are you positive that you understand the definition of 'pragmatism,' Sarah?
"Omigosh[.]" -- page 25
"... I knew this Watergate thing had to be big." -- page 26
"At least sixty of us met in public school classrooms for Bible study and inspirational exchanges that motivated us to focus on hard work and excellence. In those days, ACLU activists had not yet convinced young people that they were supposed to feel offended by other people's free exercise of religion." -- page 28
"I looked down to see the moose's eyeballs lying in his palm" -- page 32
"Todd Palin roared into my life in a 1972 Ford Mustang." -- page 34
"I was broke. I was nerdy. I played the flute. He cussed. He chewed. He didn't go to church." -- page 37
"[T]he GOP just made sense for someone like me, a believer in individual rights and responsibilities rather than heavy-handed government; in free market principles that included reward for hard work; respect for equality; support for a strong military; and a belief that America is the best country on earth." -- page 45
"Todd followed me in the car, saying, 'See if you can find a couple of people who can make it to the car without wheelchairs.' ... Then we stopped by the Wendy's drive-thru for our wedding dinner.' -- page 49
"Oh. My. Gosh. I thought I was going to die. In fact, I began to pray that I would die." -- page 51
"[W]hat I really wanted to do was scream bloody murder and beg for drugs. Blessed Mother of Jesus, I finally got them!" -- page 52
"'Track, right?' he said. 'Like tracking an elephant?' I explained that no, it was because obviously we loved sports, and the baby was born during the spring track season. 'What if he'd been born during wrestling season?' Dad asked. 'Would you have named him "Wrestle"?'" -- page 53
"It was my first taste of close personal tragedy[.]" -- page 56. Palin uses the same description for a different event on page 32.
"'There will be a taint on our fish, too, Sarah,' he told me[.]" -- page 61
"So in the campaign I supported the 2 percent sales tax only if it correspondingly reduced property taxes. That got me off on the wrong foot with some local Republicans who heard the word 'tax' and assumed I actually wanted one." -- page 65. Wait, what?
"After our local Wal-Mart broke the world record for duct tape sales, Wasilla was named the honorary Duct Tape Capital of the World.)" -- page 66. HOLY SHIT WASILLA ROCK THE FUCK ON.
"I went into labor with her on the Fourth of July while kayaking with the Menards on Memory Lake. I so wanted a patriotic baby that I paddled as hard as I could to speed up the contractions, but she held out until the next day." -- page 66-67
Third use of "politics-as-usual" on page 70, first since page six.
Fourth use of "politics-as-usual" on page 72.
"[Y]ou're going to believe unsubstantiated rumors and then repeat them to other people?" -- page 75. Too easy.
"So in a nod to our Second Amendment, my friends Kristan Cole and Judy Patrick threw me a baby shower at the Grouse Ridge shooting range." -- page 76. Really? Your friends couldn't even throw you a gotdang baby shower without bringing guns into it?
"Piper Indi Grace was born March 19, a Monday. Todd flies a Piper plane, but I just liked the name. 'Indi' for 'Independence' (though the Indy 500 is pretty cool too) and 'Grace' for 'God's Grace.'" -- page 76
"Let me not become disconnected from You, Lord. Like that red kite, let there be a connecting string between You and me, so that I can fly high and safe as You've created all people to do. With that string, I will go where You want me to go. I'll be what You want me to be. Thank You for Your grace." -- page 83
"Some people seem to think a profit motive is inherently greedy and evil, and that what's good for business is bad for people. (That's what Karl Marx thought too.)" -- page 84
Fourth use of "good ol' boys" on page 85.
"There were times when I thought, You know what I could really use? A wife." -- page 86
"I didn't take to heart the words of Martin Luther King Jr.: 'Set yourself earnestly to discover what you are made to do, and then give yourself passionately to the doing of it.'" -- page 86. "... because he was black." Kidding, kidding.
"But oil is not a renewable resource. Once it's gone, it's gone, so it has to be dealt with prudently." -- page 92. This is from chapter two. Chapter three, which begins on page 105, is titled 'Drill, Baby, Drill!'
"As the soles of my shoes hit the soft ground, I pushed past the tall cottonwood trees in a euphoric cadence, and meandered through willow branches that the moose munched on." -- page 102
Fifth use of "politics-as-usual" -- page 109
Sixth use of "politics-as-usual" -- page 109. What the fuck.
"Our campaign would focus on ... facilitating the private-sector development of energy resources, specifically ramping up production of America's energy supplies and building the 3,000-mile, $40 billion natural gas pipeline that other administrations had been promising to build for decades." -- page 112. Nothing says "private-sector development" like funneling $40 billion of taxpayer money into a project.
"These good folks were exactly the type of Alaskans who supported us: hardworking, unpretentious, patriotic, and ready for honest leadership." -- page 114. Not like the folks who supported my opponent, lazy, preening, America-hating corruptophiles.
"Hey! We were change when change wasn't cool!" -- page 114. Palin goes on to claim that she was also one of five people to attend Pearl Jam's first live performance, but believes the band has since sold out.
"Campaign staff kept it real by bringing their kids, along with ours, on the trail' as much as possible." -- page 119
Seventh use of "politics-as-usual" -- page 119
" ... that most precious resource -- our children ... " -- page 122. At this point it's important to point out that Governor Palin paid someone to write most of this crap.
"Hmmm. You just spent a year trying to kick my ass. I just spent a year trying to kick yours. And now we're in this room together. Out loud I asked, 'Want a cookie?'" -- page 127
"If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" -- page 133.
"I had plenty of backup when telling Hollywood liberals what I thought of their asinine plans to ban guns. And we had to control predators, such as wolves, that were decimating the moose and caribou herds that feed our communities." -- page 134. But Governor Palin, if God had meant there to be robust populations of moose and caribou in Alaska, how come he made them so tasty to wolves?
"Todd was a good sport and an awesome First Dude." -- page 135
"[W]hen the Menards gave us a puppy to bring to the mansion, Willow named her Agia -- a pretty name that really stood for the Alaska Gasline Inducement Act, which was the name of our administration's signature project." -- page 135-6. Sure, Willow named the puppy that.
Eighth use of "politics-as-usual" on page 144 (this time, in a quote attributed to her first legislative director)
Surprisingly frank and lucid description of Gov. Palin using newspeak and catchy acronyms to get a windfall profits tax on oil producers passed in Alaska -- page 163
"As governor, I attended many military funerals -- too many." -- page 164. Wondering what Governor Palin thinks is the right number of military funerals to attend.
"I even wondered out loud about why this big, strapping, nearly grown man who was overcome with pain couldn't even get a drink of water without parental consent, yet a thirteen-year-old girl could undergo a painful, invasive, and scary abortion and no parent even had to be notified." -- page 169
"Since nobody knew me in New Orleans, I asked my security guy to drop me off at a Walgreens. Back at the hotel, before my speech, I followed the instructions on the pregnancy test box. Slowly a pink image materialized on the stick. Holy geez!" -- page 171
"And for a split second it hit me: I'm out of town. No one knows I'm pregnant. No one would ever have to know." -- Gov. Palin considers aborting Trig on page 172
"Unless He knows me better than I know myself, I thought a bit dismissively, God won't give me a special needs child." -- page 176
"Shoot, my mom used to cry during the 'Mean Joe Green' Coca-Cola commercials!" -- page 177. Amazingly, still on the topic of discovering that her child would be born with Down's Syndrome.
Ninth use of "politics-as-usual" -- page 183
"I decided to write the letter as though it were from Trig's Creator, the same Creator in whom I had put my trust more than thirty years before." -- page 185. Gov. Palin speaks as God.
"I had no idea that a year later during the vice presidential campaign a hostile journalist would use it to mock my family and the Christian faith, saying I was so self-absorbed that I even wrote a letter 'in the voice of God.'" -- page 187.
Actually kind of sweet letter to Palin's family and friends announcing her pregnancy with Trig on pages 185-7, signed "Love, Trig's Creator, Your Heavenly Father"
Fifth use of "good ol' boys" on page 194
"I reached Todd at the exit, and he eyed me with a grin, "Love this state, but we can't have a fish picker born in Texas." -- page 195. What?
"I got a kick out of another comment she made, about my being Alaska's first female chief executive: 'I finally get to go to the restroom and talk business with the governor," Beth said. 'The guys have been doing this for centuries.'" -- page 200. TMI, Governor.
"I hit the same topics in detail with reporters from the Wall Street journal, Time, the Associated Press, Investor's Business Daily, and Forbes. (Perhaps that's why I was so shocked during the VP campaign when Katie Couric wondered which papers and magazines I read. Maybe I should have asked her what she reads. She didn't sound very informed on our energy issues.)" -- page 206-7. OH SNAP
"I'll never forget it: we'd be at these huge, potentially history-making events, and John [McCain] would clap me on the shoulder, rub his hands together with a grin, and say, 'Let's just go have fun!'" -- pages 210-11
"But I didn't believe in the theory that human beings -- thinking, loving beings -- originated from fish that sprouted legs and crawled out of the sea. Or that human beings began as single-celled organisms that developed into monkeys who eventually, swung down from the trees; I believed we came about through a random process, but were created by God." -- page 217
"I just assumed every kid learned clever acronyms for planet alignments and the elements of the periodic table between forkfuls of caribou lasagna." -- page 218
"Steve and Randy were good men, helpful and unpretentious. They reminded me that Obama didn't have foreign policy experience. As a governor, I had gained such experience as it related to Alaska's international commerce and energy issues, as well as our strategic national security position." -- page 229. Gov. Palin modestly omits the PROXIMITY of her HOUSE to RUSSIA
"The incident sent a clear message: Whoever 'headquarters' was, they were firmly in charge. And if they weren't going to let me speak my heart and mind even about an intimate issue affecting my own family, what would they let me speak to?" -- page 236, Governor Palin butts heads with invisible enemies
"[T]hey took whatever they could get and weren't too careful about vetting their sources, who included a defeated former opponent, a maniacal blogger, the falafel lady, and the Wasilla town crank." -- page 236. Even though Wasilla was the "fastest-growing city" in Alaska, it remained, apparently, a one-crank town.
"It was one lie after another, from rape kits to Bridges to Nowhere." -- page 237
"[H]e is a bunny-hugging vegan and gentle, green soul who I think would throw himself in the path of a semi truck to save a squirrel." -- page 239. Sarah Palin, on the man who wrote this speech: http://www.youtube.com/...
"Throughout the campaign, the speeches he handed me were like poetry, so smooth, such amazing flow." -- page 239
"He had shined as a volunteer during the 2000 primary[.]" -- page 248. Grammarians, help me out, it should be just "shined," right? No need for the "had"? I don't want to be unfair to the governor or her editors.
"John was a maverick[.]" -- page 252. Oh? I hadn't heard.
"... I wasn't worried about an assassination attempt on Sarah Palin from Wasilla." -- page 268. The drift from first to third person mid-sentence alerted McCain campaign staffers to a bug in the PalinBot firmware. Thankfully she was brought to the shop at RNC headquarters and repaired before her personality matrix or any valuable data were lost.
"Americans needed to know how unconscionable it is that anti-development radicals use ANWR as their fund-raising poster child. They use bogus Photoshopped pictures showing mountains and waterfalls and lush forests with Bambi prancing to and fro." -- page 273.
"That melting polar sea ice has created new trade routes but has also created security threats to North America." -- page 275. Hold the phone. You mean to tell me the polar ice caps are melting?
"Schmidt leveled his eyes at me. 'We don't have the money Obama does and the numbers don't look good. We've got to change things up.' I agree. I was eager to hear a new strategy. 'So,' he continued, 'headquarters is flying in a nutritionist.' -- page 284
"I tried to put a comparing-suit-colors look on my face." -- page 293
"It would be . . . mavericky." -- page 299
Page 300 reflections: thought this book would have a lot more red meat. It's boring as all get out. The only conclusion I can draw from it is that Palin is cashing in on her fame at its height, which is a smart move, and that her fans, and anyone who read this book with interest, are a bunch of lame-ass dummies who I hope I never have to speak to for more than the length of time it takes to make polite small talk.
"At some point, Amy Poehler came in. She was very pregnant." -- page 311
"To this day, I still hear Piper rapping around the house: 'You say Obama, I say Ayers! Obama ... Ayers! Obama ... Ayers!'" -- page 312
"Oliver Stone, who made a cameo appearance ... is a supporter of Communist dictator Hugo Chavez .... I did not shake Stone's hand." -- page 313
"Here was a chance to show that caring hearts did beat at the center of the common sense conservative movement. And in effective ways that don't only call on government to deliver caring solutions, because government can't deliver caring solutions." -- page 323
"'May I have your candy?' he said to Piper. 'I need to check it, honey, make sure it's safe.'" -- page 325.
"Always candid and keeping it real, Piper said, 'It was the worst Halloween ever!'" -- page 326.
"I pictured cell towers between D.C. and Florida bursting into flame." -- page 328
"[T]he place where Todd and I cast our ballots for president ... was where I had attended the second grade and, later, all those city meetings. I was even wearing the same wardrobe I had often worn back then -- jeans, a Carhartt jacket, and a relieved smile. I marveled at life's Providential paths. Others may call such events 'coincidences'; I believe they are miracles." -- page 330.
"Someone from headquarters was calling to tell the B Team to 'Put her back in the truck!' The instruction was not to allow Todd or me to talk to the reporters who had traveled all the way to Wasilla. Nah, not this time, I thought, and walked over to finally say hello." -- page 331. Palin finally "goes rogue," on a completely trivial matter, at a point far too late to affect anything.
"I'd hardly had time to give anyone the time of day since August 29. I promised to make it up to everyone, and someday I will." -- page 333. Just not right now, while she's rolling in bank and has about 25% of the electorate eating out of her hand.
"I wanted to tell Americans to keep on fighting for what is right -- and not to let anyone tell them to sit down and shut up." -- page 333. "'I don't even know why you wrote a speech. Nobody told you to.'" -- page 334. LOL owned
"I loved my dad's straight talk on the subject when he had to respond to one Truther: "'I know Trig is hers, dumbass. I was there when he popped out!'" -- page 347. No wonder she doesn't believe President Obama was born in Hawaii ... her dad wasn't there to see it.
"I don't like to hear people complain ... But I will state this complaint for the record ..." -- page 348. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah ...
"Breasts were apparently spilling from blouses all over the 49th State and Andree demanded I do something about it!" -- page 354
"What a bass-ackwards way of doing the people's business." -- page 356
"Alaska! A practical, libertarian haven full of independent Americans who did not desire 'help' from government busybodies." -- page 361. Sigh: http://www.taxfoundation.org/...
" ... the stark difference between the left's expert use of the weapons of political warfare and the right's high-minded but ineffective approach ... " -- page 363
"Democrats had Newt [Gingrich] in their sights. And strangely enough, the more influential he became, the more 'unethical' he became." -- page 364. That's funny, I thought the more he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife and divorced her via fax while she was hospitalized and all the while led the blowjob patrol against Clinton, the more unethical he became.
"'I'm not a quitter, Track,' I finished. 'I'm going to fight. And that's the point.'" -- page 376. Palin, deciding to quit.
" ... the FBI's Alaska spokesman went on the record to declare that I was not under investigation and had never been under investigation. Poor press. At that moment, the B in 'FBI' stood for 'Buzzkill.'" -- page 379
"The reporters headed home ... Instead of typical Bristol Bay weather, it was sunny, hot, and flat calm, so -- dang it -- none of them got slimed." -- page 381
"A number of the Alaska reporters ... expressed concern that they would be out of a job once we left. Apparently we were good for business. And, really, that's got to be the nicest compliment you can give to a pro-free-market fiscal conservative." -- page 383. Dear sweet Christ shut this woman off.
"At its most basic level, conservatism is a respect for history and tradition, including traditional moral principles. I do not believe I am more moral, certainly no better, than anyone else, and conservatives who act 'holier than thou' turn my stomach." -- page 385. Really? Because some of us here in "fake America" got a different impression of you last year.
Tenth use of "politics-as-usual" -- page 387. Can she make it a dozen?
"We have allowed the left, with its unconstrained vision, to convince us that America's current woes were caused by too little government involvement and regulation[.]" -- page 388. Yes, only the left believes this.
"The mortgage crisis that triggered the collapse of our financial markets was rooted in a well-meaning but wrongheaded desire to increase home ownership among people who could not yet afford to own a home." -- page 388. ::bash skull into table::
"But we tried growing government to save the economy back in the 1930s, and it didn't work then either." -- page 389. ... Probably a little late to ask, but is she fucking crazy?
"The environmentalists' plan to reduce pollution is to tax businesses according to how much pollution they produce." -- page 390. What a stupid idea.
"As more and more Americans understand that cap and trade is an environmentalist Ponzi scheme in which only the government benefits, they will refuse to tolerate it." -- page 391. If they're willing to tolerate mass outbreaks of rare cancers due to radioactive coal fly ash spills like the one that happened in East Tennessee this year, and mountaintops being lopped off, I think they'll put up with cap and trade.
"Ronald Reagan faced an even worse recession. He showed us how to get out of one. If you want real job growth, cut capital gains taxes and slay the death tax once and for all." -- page 391. Reagan inherited a 6.3% unemployment rate. It peaked at 12% two years into his first term. The estate tax survived the Reagan administration and only affects estates worth more than $1 million.
"We can responsibly develop our resources in a way that protects the environment. I speak as an Alaskan. We love our state. We live here. We raise our children here. Why would we want to foul it up?." -- page 392. MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY ... I can't think of a reason either.
"I watched debates unfold in Washington, and I used my Facebook page to call things like I saw them. These posts had an impact, and it made me think, Isn't Facebook a terrific illustration of the power of American ingenuity?" -- page 400. Muahahahahahah
The book ends with a fawning letter from a supporter. pages 405-7. DONE OH THANK YOU LORD I'M DONE