Yesterday Science Teacher By Trade wrote a fascinating, but unfortunately largely overlooked diary on the actual Boston Tea Party, its background and historical significance. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend that you check it out.
Although I won't try to go into all of the diary's fine points, there are some that bear repeating (or even flogging). I'll get to those later, but right now I'd like to focus on one in particular. In 1794 George Washington, as President of the United States, personally led an army into western Pennsylvania to crush a rebellion and assert the federal government's right to levy taxes.
In this case, they were taxes on whiskey. I think we should celebrate our government's right to tax by drinking whiskey on which we've paid taxes on April 15.
That's right, patriots! Whiskey Parties!!!!
Even setting aside the fact that they left themselves open for really hilarious sexual innuendos, the Teabaggers are about as stupid as you can get. They are attempting to cover themselves in stolen glory by appropriating what they are misrepresenting as an anti-tax action taken by the Sons of Liberty in Boston. The problem is that the protest was about Parliament's assertion of the right to tax without admitting representatives of the people they were taxing.
It was about REPRESENTATION.
You know, as in congresspeople. Remember, the people that we elected.
The folks that are going to raise taxes on the wealthy and give the rest of us a break. Those people.
But the really funny thing, as Science Teacher pointed out, was that the taxed tea was actually cheapen than smuggled tea without taxes, and the people of Boston still wouldn't let it be unloaded or condescend to buy it because that would be submitting to a tax that they had no hand in crafting. They would not submit to a tax passed without their approval.
Okay, so these dopes are now opposing all taxes by, wait for it, buying tea ON WHICH THEY ARE GOING TO PAY SALES TAXES and then throwing it away.
Morons.
Well, I think we should celebrate our representatives' power to decide our taxes by drinking whiskey on which we paid taxes. This representative act of defiance of stupid unlettered populism will have a number of advantages.
- It will involve drinking whiskey.*
- It will involve drinking whiskey on tax day, which, let's be honest, will make it easier to do our patriotic duty.
- Did I mention the whiskey?
- It will celebrate George Washington and Alexander Hamilton's expedition to crush a bunch of stupid unlettered populists, you know, the 18th century equivalent of VolksNews-watching morons.
- We get to drink whiskey!
- For those on the fence, drinking whiskey sounds like a lot more fun than throwing teabags on the ground. Though I have to admit, Teabagging with the right partner does have some appeal. But there's no reason that you can't do that AND drink whiskey.
- It will emulate the spirit of the early republic by recreating an atmosphere like the campaigns of the early 19th century which involved lots and lots of whiskey. Just ask E.C. Booz.
- Whiskey!
*Of course, for those who would prefer some other beverage, you are free to drink that as well, just as long as you paid taxes on it. But we're still going to call it a whiskey party in honor of those who crushed the whiskey rebellion.
UPDATE: Edited to correct typo.