The recent spread of swine flu has finally given the Republican party an issue around which they can rally.
Let the free market work. Phil Gramm insisted that swine flu is "all in your head (and lungs)" and that "we’ve become a nation of whiners and snifflers." He further claimed that an unregulated free market and lower taxes for the extremely rich would solve every single problem. "Government intervention and interference have never worked. Yes, tens of thousands might die, but that’s how the free market does things."
The ticking time bomb argument. Former VP Dick Cheney claimed on Sunday that secret government memos would prove that swine flu has produced benefits in the war on terror. "What if a terrorist is going to set off a nuclear bomb and the only way to stop him is to give everyone swine flu? What about that? Wouldn’t that be a good idea, then? Bet you didn’t even think about that."
"I hope Obama fails to control the outbreak." The porcine Rush Limbaugh told his dittoheads that it would be crazy to hope for success against swine flu. "Why do we have to accept the premise that we want him to succeed at anything? And I should mention again that I’m not a big fat idiot."
It’s just more pork from Washington. Governors Bobby Jindal of LA and Mark Sanford of SC refused to accept any flu vaccine from those goldarn Feds.
"If you get swine flu, just lie back and enjoy it." On Monday, Bill O’Reilly compared swine flu to rape.
You can have my pig when you pry it from my cold dead hands. A press release from the NRA suggested that ownership of pigs is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. They also pointed out that swine flu doesn’t kill people, people who transmit swine flu kill people.
It’s a punishment from God. Fred Phelps, from Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, released a statement that said, "Iowa, the country’s largest pork-producing state, recently legalized gay marriage. It’s no coincidence that God chose this moment to send a pig-related plague to punish the United States. It’s obvious that God hates fags." Westboro Church is sending a large contingent (two or three people) to picket a six-acre lake of pig manure in Iowa.
It’s European-style socialism. Numerous Freepers are angry that the government is telling sick people to stay home. According to Neanderthal862, "When teh govermint tells you what you can’t doe, were on the slipery slope to Europen-stile socialism and fashism." He continued by saying that the exception to this rule, of course, is that the government should tell gays they can’t marry and women that they can’t have abortions. He then claimed that the flu vaccine might give everyone autism and that right-thinking Americans should buy lots of guns and ammunition to prepare for the aporkalypse. Also, Obama wasn't born here and something about the Beatles song "Helter Skelter."
It’s the illegal aliens. Glenn Beck blamed the Mexicans. Then he started to cry and sob about loving this great country. "Swine flu does not surround us! We surround swine flu!"
It’s Obama’s fault. A Fox News special about swine flu pointed out that during GW Bush’s tenure, there was no swine flu. Now, after 100 days in office, Obama has somehow caused this dangerous illness. One Fox anchor said, "He probably didn’t wash his hands after meeting Hugo Chavez." Then everyone laughed at this witty remark.
Sarah Palin’s reaction: "Ultimately, what the swine flu does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy... Oh, it's got to be about job creation too. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions."
Swine flu is imaginary and does not exist. Senator James Inhofe, R-OK, stated, "There’s no evidence that swine flu even exists. In fact, a survey of scientists (including anyone who took a science class in high school) showed that over 90% do not believe in global warming or swine flu. Also, there’s an intelligent designer in there somewhere, so it’s ridiculous to think that this virus evolved."