Jack Welch has just released his new book entitled simply, "Winning." His latest tome lists his key points on how to be a good business leader. I've listed a few of Jack's actual tips here, with handy, real-world translations for your convenience:
LEADERS MAKE SURE PEOPLE NOT ONLY SEE THE VISION, THEY LIVE AND BREATHE IT.
Translation: In order to keep your job, we'll cow you into working long shifts in windowless offices with bad air, with breaks just long enough to raid the crappy vending machine in the basement. After twelve hours in a tiny cubicle bathed in fluorescent lighting with only stale Cheetos and sugar-packed soft drinks for sustenance, you'll start to hallucinate and mistake me for a masterful business genius, rather than the self-promoting jackass I really am.
LEADERS GET INTO EVERYONE'S SKIN, EXUDING POSITIVE ENERGY AND OPTIMISM.
Translation: Those free flu shots we offer every Fall are really just a cover for us to inject you with a mind-altering substance that causes you to earnestly spout phrases like "branding niche," "thinking outside the box," "incentivize" and other corporate gibberish.
LEADERS ESTABLISH TRUST WITH CANDOR, TRANSPARENCY AND CREDIT.
Translation: My underlings can trust that I get to be candid, my motives are transparent and the only credit you'll get is the mounds of debt you'll be forced to run up to pay for life's "extras" that your salary won't cover. You know, like decent health-care, good schools and livable housing.
LEADERS HAVE THE COURAGE TO MAKE UNPOPULAR DECISIONS AND GUT CALLS.
Translation: I consider shitcanning 10,000 working stiffs at GE while taking a lavish retirement package for myself an act of courage. (C'mon, it does take a pretty big pair to sell that one with a straight face.)
LEADERS INSPIRE RISK TAKING AND LEARNING BY SETTING THE EXAMPLE.
Translation: If you have a golden parachute that pays you millions of dollars, regardless of your job performance (see above), it's immensely liberating and you're free to gamble with the house's money all you want.
LEADERS CELEBRATE.
Translation: Partying money is no object as we captains of industry can rent out entire Caribbean islands for our wives' birthday parties. You on the other hand will have to make do with a couple of hormone-laced steaks from the Sizzler and six pack of Heineken. Celebrate good times, come on!