Dear folks who hurt.
I'm Okay, You're Okay is a great book old, but useful.
http://en.wikipedia.org/...
I like you, I am a human who grew up with my small share of abuse. My life's story will not be the issue here but rather some tools I was given that have helped me tremendously in my relationships, my profession and life in general. For some people trusting in Jesus does it all, confession is good for the soul, achieving Zen, etc whatever whatever.
But some of us nerdy types get rescued by yet something else again.
Transactional Analysis as developed by Eric Berne
Here is the wiki write up
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis
Here is Eric Bern wiki entry
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Berne
If you do nothing else and stop reading this diary. I don't care but I would suggest you click on the links.
The life you save may be your own.
I continue below because I can. I am alive.
Growing up as a "girl" in a Hispanic household in a macho family, I got lots of messages that I had no value. I don't believe that's my parents meant to tell me, not to exist, but I took it that way, anyway. So the result was that maybe not existing was the better way. But enough about me, let's just consider that parents mess up and fail at making sure that we know they love us. One reason might be that they don't or maybe another reason is they do but past experiences that they had growing up got THEM messed up and so on and so on.
So we develop these identities and are also molded by the good and the bad things that happen to US as we go through our lives. We develop a "script" like in a play about who we are and what "roles" we choose. Moms act a certain way, Dads act a certain way, kids do and so does SPOCK. (more on Spock later)
One of the most basic parts of Eric Bern's concept is that we move through different "states" of being.
Parent state
Sometimes we are a loving and caring parent, regardless of whether we are a parent at all. Small children nurture dolls so they can move into the parent state. Sometimes the parent is critical because that is what parents have to do sometimes, stop their kid from doing something wrong. So parent state can be sweet but also nasty.
child state
Sometimes, the child can be sweet, loving and exploring and inquisitive and bright, but on the other hand the child can be demanding and bratty and unreasonable, rebellious and belligerent So two sides to the child.
Adult state
(So, here is where the Spock metaphor)
The adult state s that state that see facts, not emotion. Like Joe Friday/Spock it is about "Just the facts, ma'am." type of state. Heartless objective (like No Drama Obama), clear thinking, unemotional. We can see the up side to being objective, however there are times when one SHOULD be subjective and emotional. So if you are in the adult state when your kid is hurt, she might think you don't care about them.
Ok, now that is just the states we hang out in. Some of us spend more time in the child state and others of us spend time in the other ones, but usually we go through all the "states" at sometime. That is natural.
The states we inhabit influence and are influenced by the other "players" and their "games".
Hence Berne's book
Titled
Games People Play
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So add what states we are in to what family history we have and then plug in the "rackets" and "games" that we play to get the strokes we need and you have the whole messy ball of wax known as "me".
Another book by Eric Berne
Born to Win
These concepts are not new and are used by professionals trained in Transactional Analysis. I have used knowledge of TA to help me manage my students' behaviors.
another book
Games Students Play.
And there are lots of games described in Transactional Analysis:
Why don't you? Yes but xxx
Now I have you you SOB
Gasp! Are you looking at my stocking, you cad!
Let's you and him fight.
Try hard
Persecution
Persecuted
I am going to kill myself because of xxxx
I am helpless, rescue me!
You bastard! you rescued me!
That's the way I am I can't change.
I am not the athletic type, so I am going to die of poor health.
I was raped so I will never get over it.
I was poor so I never get over it.
So many!
Mom, always love you best!
Then there is the popular "good strokes" and "bad strokes". Many professionals think of it as pop psychology. And I agree with that, but I also know that the analyst that helped me after I stood on a stool in despair with a noose around my neck helped me rid myself of such destructive thoughts. Not that I am perfect, but that is is ok, that I am not perfect.
Later after talking with my parents I learned that some of the things they said, they never intended the meaning in the way I took it.
We are weird.
Read this or don't, follow the links or don't. However, if I helped one person find their way back from hell it was worth a few minutes of my time.
follow the links above and be prepared to find help in your own hands.
These book may be found at your local library.
If you are really nuts, go to the hospital as if you are having a heart attack. A broken mind is the same as a broken rib. However if you just need a little help and have no money, follow the links and then get yourself to the library
If you have issues you may comment.
Hugs and kisses to the loving parents that messed me up and the same loving parents that nurtured me and kept me safe, most of the time. And the same parents that I fly all day to be near in their time of need.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis