I hear it all the time - 'That movie was so gay,' or 'That song is totally gay.' My brothers say it all the time, though they've learned more and more to not say it around me. But they think I'm being silly, cause 'everyone knows its not meant like that' and 'you always take things too seriously.'
I remember I was back in my hometown about two years ago, and two little kids were watching the second Spiderman movie on the TV, and one kid said to the other, 'oh, the first Spiderman movie was gay.' The second one said back, 'what does that mean?' and the first one was like, 'it means stupid.'
And I said to myself, this is proof this issue isn't silly. This is how it happens. What if one of those kids in a few years goes through puberty and is gay themselves? They'll know, without even having to think about it, that 'everybody' thinks that what they are is just another word for 'stupid.' Talk about not starting out on a level playing field.
And this sometimes results in death, as it did this week to a poor child in Georgia. As it did a year ago in Massachusetts. There are things we can do to stop this. More below.
Today I heard on the news - Jaheem Herrea, 11 years old, committed suicide because he was bullied at his school in Georgia. He was called, among other things, a 'snitch' and 'gay.' He was found by his 10 year old sister, hanging from a belt made of fabric. Last year, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, 10 years old, killed himself as well. He used an extension cord. What could drive a kid, that young, to not only think about killing themselves, but actually do it? Think back to when you were that young. Its hard to imagine, when these kids had so much life in front of them.
I feel bad writing about these kids. I don't want to be sensationalist, and I feel that even by putting them in a diary, I somehow cheapen this. But at least maybe something good can come of it.
Kids learn from those around them. And if their older brothers and sisters and parents - people they consider cool or worth listening to - correct them when they say 'oh, that movie is so gay' - then maybe the word gay will stop being a synonym for 'stupid.' And if you explain to them why they shouldn't say that, maybe they'll turn to another kid in the schoolyard and say, 'no, don't say that, my brother said not to.' And then maybe if any of those kids ends up figuring out they're gay later in life, they'll have that much less pain to go through. You'll help taking that usage, a 'hate usage', so to speak, out of circulation. Whether you help save a bunch of kids some psychic pain, or just make things a little easier, who knows, sometimes you might be helping to save a life.
Kids will always make fun of each other. But so often it is around gender and sexuality. In little ways you can help fight that, and change starts at home, on the local level, and it has to be grassroots and diffuse to be effective.
Same with the word 'lame.' That's another one I try not to use, for very similar reasons. I also don't use the word 'bitch' unless its in reference to how others are describing something (though I think the word 'suck' is borderline, and do use it, cause sucking on a lemon, for example, is a crappy thing, and that use doesn't denigrate women and gay men, though I sometimes feel guilty for that too, but I think ultimately it gets a pass).
But getting back to the matter at hand. Its very possible that both of these kids would later be gay. Maybe they weren't macho enough. Maybe they were just effeminate straight kids. It doesn't matter. My heart goes out to the families of these poor kids who just wanted to live their lives.
But these deaths didn't have to happen. These poor kids died because they didn't live up to the 'gender norms' enforced by our society, and these norms, and the stigma for violating them, are created and recreated in the homes, tv's, and peer groups we live in. And each time we let our kids or little siblings say 'that song is so gay' - we allow that term to circulate like that in a way that, when outside our homes, could make some little kid's life hell.
Please, let some good come out of these tragedies. My heart goes out to the parents. It makes me think of a recent crime near where I live in Brooklyn. Two Ecuadorian immigrants were recently killed near the subway station where they lived. They were walking arm in arm - a behavior much more common in Ecuador than here. They had just come home from a bar, and they were brothers. They were attacked by a group of men and killed, and the men who killed them called them 'fag' and other hate-words for being gay. The men died for being gay, without being gay themselves.
These words hurt everyone. Calling a 'dumb' movie or song 'gay' isn't hate speech - but it is a form of 'hate usage.' And there's a lot of us at Daily Kos. If we all helped to stop this sort of thing, it might do a whole lot of good.
It is time this violence is stopped. And change starts small, and starts at home.
[PS - For what its worth, I didn't say anything to the kids in the doctor's office who were watching Spiderman. They weren't my kids, and thought their parents were in the other room, they might have gotten pissed I was lecturing their kids about such a 'sensitive' topic when they came back. Of course, had I said something to them, the inevitable next question from the kids would've been 'why, are you gay'? Which is always the response when someone defends LGBT folks. And did I really want to deal with a parent walking in on THAT conversation?
Of course, if I saw one hitting the other and told them to stop, no-one would be mad at me. But I was in a pretty homophobic neighborhood at that time (where I grew up), and I didn't want any problems. But here we see where even I, a grown man, felt constrained - these kids had more freedom to say what they wanted, in a sense, than I did. I think this everytime I hear a little kid say 'fag' or anything like that - that kid is considered more of a legitimate speaking subject than I am, despite the fact that he's underage and I'm a professor. The goal of hate-speech is to dequalify someone from being considered a full person, and from legitimately objecting to what is being said.)
UPDATE - You know, I'm pretty shocked by a lot of the comments. I figured this diary would generally get a 'yeah, makes sense, sad what words can do.' I never figured using the word gay to mean 'dumb' would be so damn valuable to people, and in a liberal, progressive community like Dkos. This isn't about language policing. Its about the fact that there's nothing good that comes out of this usage, but very likely bad. So what's the cost to you? But can't you see how this stuff hurts people? I'm pretty amazed, to be honest, about the responses below.
UPDATE II - For whatever reason, seems a lot of people below think I'm advocating banning certain types of speech - nothing could be further from the truth. I'm just saying that by small changes in our own use of words, or making others aware of potential consequences of words, can perhaps produce good things. But that's something each person can do themselves - no banning or forcing here! I never suggested we repeal the Bill of Rights, ya know.