From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
ATTENTION BILL O'REILLY
Hi, Bill. It's me...Bill.
I've been waiting for this day so that I could say something special to you.
You see, Bill, I remember exactly where I was when I heard you declare on your radio show, shortly after Election Day 2008, that "that guttersnipe" Al Franken would "never" set foot inside the United States Senate.
It wasn't a toss-away line. You were emphatic. You called Al Franken a guttersnipe and swore he'd never become a United States Senator. Do you remember that, Bill? I do. I was in the car with my partner driving down Falmouth Street in Portland. As we turned the corner onto Oakdale Street, you made your bitter, non-negotiable declaration. I seared that moment into my brain, Bill. And here we are, at the intersection of Psychic Friends Network Avenue and Reality Boulevard.
This morning I want to tell you something, Bill O'Reilly. Come closer... Closer... Cloooooser...
Okay, man, that's close enough.
Now, with my lips a quarter-inch from your---whoo---abnormally-waxy ear canal, I can finally whisper the words I've waited nearly eight months to say:
"Game over, Bill. You lose. And not just another battle with Al. This time you lost the war."
I know it makes you seethe, Bill, to go down in flames like that. I mean, if I found out that my sworn enemy had just become one of the most powerful and influential people in the world---a United States Senator whose decisions could have a big impact on my life---I'd probably feel a burning sensation under my chaps, too. Still, I hope you're man enough to join me in congratulating Senator Franken on his stunning, tick-tight victory over Norm Coleman and you, Lord Loofah. When he takes his first leisurely stroll around the Senate floor next week, I'll think of you, Bill. Yes indeed...I'll think of you.
Oh, and one more thing, Bill. Have a nice day.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Note: I warn you---I am a "fierce advocate." So fierce that when I show up at city council meetings in my loincloth and Viking helmet they immediately adjourn. (Although I can't figure out why they keep moving up the start time without telling me.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings begin: 12
Days `til the 37th annual Bath Heritage Days: 1
Target reduction in U.S. greenhouse gas emissions by 2050: 83%
(Source: Climate bill passed by the House)
Increase in the market for small wind turbines used to power individual homes, farms and businesses in 2008: 78%
Number of small turbines installed in the U.S. last year (about half the world's total): 10,500
(Source: Parade)
Number of names Microsoft proposed over a 6-month period for its new internet search service before settling on the name 'Bing': 2,000
(Source: BusinessWeek via The Week)
Percent chance that the most dangerous sport is cheerleading: 100%
(Source: Jonathan Turley)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 165 (including 3 Occults and 1 intriguing inquiry). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Awwwww......
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CHEERS to July! America turns 233 (but we don’t look a day over 232) and Canada turns 142. It's also National Baked Beans Month and National Ice Cream Month, and on the 11th we'll be celebrating something called Feest van de Vlaamse Gemeenschap (Translation: Feast of the horny gerbils). And we're now officially in the "second half of 2009," which means the economic recovery is either here now...or six months away...or still just a glimmer in Tim Geithner's eye. In Maine, July holds the distinction of being the only month that comes with a no-snow guarantee. But our shovel's still on the porch, just in case. Okay, one, two, three...Cannonball!!!
JEERS to financial whiplash. After years of being told by "experts" that we're spending too much and saving too little, Americans are now being told they're saving too much and spending too little:
The bigger Social Security benefits pushed incomes up 1.4 percent in May, the biggest gain in a year. Yet it did not cause a similar jump in spending. Consumer spending rose only 0.3 percent. Instead, Americans used their government windfalls mainly to boost savings. The personal savings rate, which was hovering near zero in early 2008, soared to 6.9 percent in May. That was a 1.3 percentage-point gain from April and the highest rate since 1993.
By the way, we're also talking too much and humping too little. Let's work on that, shall we?
CHEERS to our favorite constitutional monarchy. Woohoo, eh!!! Happy Birthday, Canada! As America prepares to celebrate the violent upheaval and protracted war with Britain that led to our independence, our neighbors to the north are commemorating the cool, calm, and civilized "union of the British North America provinces in a federation under the name of Canada on July 1st." Have fun, but don't get too crazy---you could pull a rotator cuff politely waving at your neighbors.
JEERS to Maine's mushy "moderates." I don’t know if I believe a word of what the talking heads on cable news say, but this is intriguing: there seemed to be consensus yesterday that, with Al Franken's upcoming coronation in the senate, "moderate" GOP senators like Maine's Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins (are there any others?) would lose some of their influence. I would welcome that, because Snowe is getting all tangled up in her convoluted ideas about reforming health care, and it's not helping matters:
In an interview in Portland, Snowe said it would be unfair to include a government-run health insurance option that would take effect immediately. "If you establish a public option at the forefront that goes head-to-head and competes with the private health insurance market the public option will have significant price advantages," she said. ...
Snowe said having a government option as a backup would be an approach "that bridges both sides" and gives private insurers a fair chance to meet the requirements of a new law. "I don't think we can entirely depend on the private insurance market to deliver. They haven't delivered thus far, and that's why we're in the predicament we're in today," she said.
No, Senator Snowe. We're in the predicament we're in today because government leaders like you failed---for years and years and years---to do something about health care. Face it, ma'am...you blew it. And now you want to kick the can down the road some more to cover up for your inaction and indifference and insurance-lobby butt-kissing. Well, Phhhpttt!!! to that. (Media: make sure you quote me correctly on that. Three h's, three t's.)
JEERS to a Supreme waste. Eighteen years ago today, George "41" Bush nominated porn-obsessed federal appeals court judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. During his tenure he has contributed virtually nothing except a reliable hard-right vote. But at least he never speaks. Thank God for small miracles.
CHEERS to wantin' what Detroit's sellin'. Hey, lookie lookie! Americans are clamoring for an American car---even going so far as to pay thousands more than the sticker price to get behind the wheel---and it's even made by GM!
The Camaro is creating enough buzz to play a key role in GM's turnaround. It is drawing showroom traffic---every dealer got at least one initially to build interest---while GM is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Such a hot model is rare in today's global auto sales slump, and GM thinks Camaro may catch Ford's Mustang in monthly sales when it has enough available.
Cool beans. And if I may make a suggestion? Do a plastic shopping cart version that parents can strap their kids into and wheel around supermarkets. Okay, okay...that my partner, Michael, can strap me into and wheel me around the supermarket. And make sure it's got a horn that plays Dixie.
CHEERS to the turning point. Speaking of Dixie (oh, what a great segue---awesome, Billy!), on July 1, 1863 the Battle of Gettysburg began, marking the high-water mark of the Confederacy. If the real events were anything like that interminable 1993 Ted Turner-financed flick, most of the troops died of boredom. Memo to the South: No hard feelings?
JEERS to unwanted raises. The credit card legislation passed earlier this year already has lenders passing the pain...to you:
The ink has barely dried on credit card reform signed by President Obama in May, and already, issuers are raising prices again. ...
[S]ome critics say that issuers are taking advantage of a loophole in the law to bolster their financial conditions. Increases in credit card rates have been "widespread" as issuers try to make up for falling revenue because of higher loan losses and pending restrictions, says Bill Hardekopf, chief executive of LowCards.com, an information site. ... In a statement Monday, [Senator Chuck] Schumer slammed issuers for trying to "wring more dollars out of their customers." Some of the changes in card terms, Schumer says, are "against the spirit of the law and ... just plain wrong."
But their million-dollar commercials are cute. And, really---doesn’t that count for something?
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Five years ago in C&J: July 1, 2004
JEERS...literally...to Dick Cheney. The VeepBot got booed at a Yankees game Tuesday night. Fans caught him in the act of being himself.
CHEERS to comeuppance. Ralph Reed, the darling of the Bible-thumping family-values crowd, gets nabbed in casino money-laundering scheme. If they had found him in bed with Bill Bennett it would have been perfection. But...we're still grinning.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Old Blue Eyes. She was born during the reign of Bush I. Now she's thin and frail and has about six teeth left in her head. Her kidneys are going and she can't jump on anything more than a foot high. She sleeps on a diaper pad and sometimes her aim in the litter box is a little off. Even the dog keeps a gentle eye on her now instead of taunting her. But she still purrs and drinks from the faucet and insists on going outside to sniff the posies. Occasionally she'll even take a swat or two when we dangle a string in front of her. As far as we can tell she's still happy as can be, even though she's clearly used up eight of her nine lives. She's mellowed---no longer the bitchy Siamese who perfected rhe art of biting our hands and leaving skid marks on our arms when she didn’t feel like being picked up. And the older she gets, the more we love her. Happy 20th Birthday, Vegas. As long as you're around, you're master of the house.
Have a great day. Make magic. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Cheers and Jeers is like Milk, but with a talking penis.
---Nick Schager
Slant
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