There's been an explosion of conspiracy theories on the right these days. Some, like the birthers, have gotten so out of control that Ann Coulter has invented a conspiracy theory blaming the left for conspiring to spread the conspiracy theory in order to make the right look bad.
Alas, some of these thories are of unacceptably poor quality. I therefore propose a grading system, measured in "Cracks per Pot," to evaluate the crackpottage of the assorted theories.
A conspiracy should be rated from one to ten Cracks per Pot in the following categories:
1. Initials. An often-overlooked component. Conspiracies are inherently more sinister if they involve an organization identified only by initials. For instance, few know that ACORN stands for A Criminal Organization Registering Nonpersons, or that FEMA is is actually short for Free Euthanasia for Mothballed Americans. (We're safe on that last one; most right-wing conspiracy nuts couldn't spell "euthanasia" if their Medicare depended on it.) And wait until they find out that EMILY's list stand for Eliminating Men or Imprisoning in Little Yurts.
2. Name. Jed Lewiston covered this recently: it helps to have a convenient name for the theory, such as Swift Boaters, Birthers (also known as Flat-Birthers), Deathers, Stillbirthers (I'm trademarking that one before it comes up), and Exploding Cantelopers.
3. Funding Source. If you're going to have a secret army rounding up people for re-education camps, somebody had better be paying them. George Soros is acceptable for an average score, but an unimaginative choice (besides, he's late with my check again). Better to use "the extra half-cent tax that they approved for cigarettes in the election last May." Extra points if there was no half-cent cigarette tax on the ballot last May. Bonus extra points if there was no election.
4. Symbols. A good conspiracy theory should have a catchy symbol, like precious bodily fluids, the Masonic imagery on US currency, or the all-important black helicopter. Because people with the resources to build an entire shadow government couldn't possibly just paint the helicopters another color to disguise them.
5. Plausibility. A good conspiracy theory should strain the limits of possibility, without actually involving time travel or teleportation. For instance, it's possible (and has been argued in at least one wingnut book) that someone shot Ron Brown in the head during his final flight, then crashed the plane to get rid of the witnesses. Of course, shooting him seems monumentally redundant if you're going to crash the plane - he really can only die once - but okay, if you've somehow found an assassin willing to die in the plane crash, it's physically doable.
6. Sinistrosity. Okay, it's not a word, but we need a way to measure how sinister the conspiracy is. Are they just doing something sorta bad, like rounding people up for extermination and then burying them in the White House's organic garden? Or something really heinous, like registering gun owners?
7. Documentation. The conspiracy should be backed up with scary-looking documents such as the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, assorted signed confessions from dead people, or the Gay Agenda (it's stuck to my fridge with a rainbow triangle magnet, if anyone's looking for it). It's acceptable if the documents are unavailable (like the Real Birth Certificate), so long as the conspiracist aggressively asserts that they exist.
8. Purpose. This category is optional. You can either come up with a reason that the government is implanting microchips in your dog's dental work, or go with, "They're just evil."
9. Number of participants. Sure, it could be one rogue organization like the IRS, but obviously it makes for a better conspiracy if you can come up with reasons to involve the ATF, the ASPCA, Simon Cowell, and the Unitarians.
10. The PIE factor. The final factor is based on a secret metric described by the initials P.I.E. Sorry, I could tell you what they stand for - but then I'd have to re-educate you.