Okay, I've had enough of these motherfrackers who think that we should torture the living shit out of people to get the "information" they supposedly have - now the schmuck who set fire to his "Depends" back on Christmas in an airplane. Okay, yes he should have been caught before he got on the plane, but torture a man suffering from burns? You're morons and I can prove it. To badly paraphrase Mel Gibson's character from the first "Lethal Weapon" movie, torture them back - it works for me. Therefore:
I have decided to define as a terrorist anyone who is against providing abortions. Not just the opinion, but those who do something about it. This includes all members of congress who write bills and vote for bills that strip funding for abortion and/or restrict access to it in any function. Sound fantastical? Not really. How does one define an enemy combatant? Isn't one of the rights we've been fighting for for the past near-decade the rights of women? Well, restricting abortion is an assault against women, and I am therefore unilaterally defining this as terrorism.
And here is where enhanced interrogation techniques kick in.
Torture any lawmaker who votes against abortion to find out who else out there is going to vote the same way. After all, we have to protect the rights of women. Torture that son of a bitch who shot the abortion doctor in Kansas last year. Let's find out what he knows about other plots. Let's torture that Democrat who put up the restrictions on abortion funding in the House Health Care bill - see if he knows of any other Democrats planning to vote the same way. Ship most of the Republicans in Congress to Gitmo! Oh, excuse me, to the Supermax Prison in Illinois. Torture the ever-living shit out of them. Waterboard them 180 times per month (that's 6 times a day) to find out what they know about the anti-abortion movement so that we can shut them down in the sake of national interest. The well-being of more than half of our citizenry is at stake here!
Is it stupid? Of course it is. It always was. This never was about getting information. It's about revenge. It's about getting their dicks back after a surprising emasculation. It has nothing whatsoever to do with being American or anything else for that matter.
But people who suffer from this sort of psychic emasculation never admit it. There isn't a Viagra for fear, so a substitute is sought out. Jack Bauer is right there and available! Do it and we can feel safe again!
Yeah, well fuck you. If you're that afraid, then the terrorism worked. You're afraid. You're in terror. No one enjoys flying anymore because you're terrorized. Fear leads to anger, and anger leads to suffering. Didn’t you learn anything from those George Lucas movies? Stop concentrating on how much you hated Jar-Jar and the piss-poor dialogue in the second trilogy and concentrate on the message - you can never give in to fear.
But as long as you're afraid - how about we torture you to find out if you support restricting abortions (or any other arbitrary thing we define)? Because in my book, you're an enemy. And apparently we should torture our enemies.