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Cite "Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences"

Las Vegas – January 13

Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that They will immediately begin boycotting the television show "The 700 Club", as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that They encourage "anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same".

From: The Deserate Blogger

The unprecedented move by the world’s most famous Father and Son team followed remarks Robertson made regarding the tragic situation in Haiti, in which it is feared as many as 100,000 people may have perished as a result of yesterday’s earthquake.  Robertson attributed the earthquake to what he described as a "pact to the Devil" made by the Haitian people to aid in their fight for liberation from Napoleon’s France.

"We’ve just had enough of this guy baselessly invoking Our names when discussing his personal beliefs, particularly when it comes to politics.  Also, it’s not like he doesn’t know Who’s place it is to pass judgment, yet he continues to do so.  We can only imagine that either he just doesn’t get it, or more likely, it’s all about ratings."  Mr. Christ went on to add, "And all those times he’s claimed to have spoken to Our Father here, all I have to say is, We have caller ID – the two have never had a conversation."

Responding to reporters’ questions, Jesus, speaking on behalf of God as is Their custom, said, "I want to assure everyone that We, of course, are closely monitoring the situation in Haiti, and have canceled our planned visits to the Liberace Museum and Cirque du Soleil in order to focus more closely on events there.  We will be leaving Vegas as soon as We resolve the issue for which We came and have finally determined if the ‘Elvis’ we’ve had with us for the past 33 years is, in fact, the King many have claimed.  In the meantime, We will also stay accurately informed, as We often do, by monitoring The Borowitz Report."

When asked if God planned to "call home" the controversial Robertson, who may turn 80 in March, any time soon, He responded, "These things are never finalized until the moment comes, but as things stand right now, this one’s not His call".

"This is also a time when we are reminded of the common humanity that we all share, and Americans have always responded to these situations with generosity of spirit. If you would like to support the urgent humanitarian effort in Haiti, I encourage you to visit our website where you can learn more about how to contribute." - President Barack Obama, January 13, 2010

Originally posted to real satire on Wed Jan 13, 2010 at 03:54 PM PST.

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