From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Twitterpated at 96
Grandma's got a boyfriend. My partner Michael's grandma, that is. She's 96, a long-time widow, and lives at an assisted living facility in Michigan. If what we hear is true, she and another resident got the hots for each other. How utterly, totally awesome.
When she moved---or, rather, was moved---to the nursing facility last year from her tiny apartment (living on your own 'til 95 is damned impressive, if you ask me), "Gram" was doing poorly, physically and mentally. Her condition was such that family members were quietly murmuring to each other, "She's going downhill." Michael even flew out to see her "one last time."
Then a funny thing happened: she got better. With 24-hour care, an adjustment in meds, and social interaction with the other residents, Gram's doing okay now. Certainly no reason to think she won’t hit 97 in March. (And thank you, socialist Medicare and Social Security, for all you've done for her!)
And she's got a boyfriend now. Fell hard for him, from the reports we're getting, and he's keen on her, too. And you know what? They've even tossed around the word "marriage."
It's too bad they can't tie the knot, though, not being able to procreate 'n all. See, I've been following the federal trial out in California---the one where the plaintiffs are arguing to have Proposition 8 declared unconstitutional---and the defendants keep insisting that marriage is all about birthin' babies. If you listen to them, the rule in this country is, "No baby, no marry." So I'm glad Ted Olson, David Boies and their legal team are blowing that looney argument (and many others) to pieces:
This procreation argument cannot be taken seriously. We do not inquire whether heterosexual couples intend to bear children, or have the capacity to have children, before we allow them to marry. We permit marriage by the elderly, by prison inmates, and by persons who have no intention of having children. What's more, it is pernicious to think marriage should be limited to heterosexuals because of the state's desire to promote procreation. We would surely not accept as constitutional a ban on marriage if a state were to decide, as China has done, to discourage procreation.
My hope is that the trial moves along quickly, gay marriage becomes legal across the land, and this whole "marriage = procreation" myth goes away for good. Because, between Gram and her hunk, and me and mine, that'd be one helluva double wedding.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 14, 2010
Note: Today's note is frozen in a block of ice and we're trying to thaw it with a hairdryer. We regret the inconvenience. If it helps, we think it says something about a large celestial object heading straight for your house. Or it's a shopping list.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2010 midterm elections: 292
Days `til the 5th annual Independence Fruitcake Festival in California: 9
Minimum amount the U.S. has spent since 1985 on attempts to develop a missile shield: $150 billion
Factor by which this exceeds spending on the Apollo moon landing and the Manhattan Project combined, adjusted for inflation: 5
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average cost of a 30-second TV ad in the Super Bowl: $2.65 million
Number of pinball game manufacturers left in the world: 1 (Stern)
Approximate number of credit cards I maxed out in college to feed my pinball-game habit: 6 (Correction: 5. The sixth was to feed my Dig Dug habit.)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
We didn’t ask for it, we don’t want it, we're not ready, and we haven't done anything to deserve it; nevertheless, the Texas Legislature is about to start again.
Veteran Texans know that the only solution is to hunker down and laugh, since the one thing we can count on our Lege for is Pure D, top-grade, high-octane entertainment. Better than the zoo, finer than the circus, pratfalls, fist-fights, clowns, animals---what could be better? It's representative democracy, Texas-style, in full-blooded action. As former state senator Carl Parker used to say: If you took all the fools out of the Legislature, it wouldn't be a representative body anymore.
---January, 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: 90 year-old dog saves 94 year-old man
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CHEERS to rolling up our collective sleeves. "The Big One"---that's how seismologists are describing the earthquake that struck Haiti, where today their world is literally flat and the death toll is likely to skyrocket for days or even weeks. We all know the drill when these things happen, so let's get busy---Cosmic Debris has all the links you need to help out. As Bill Clinton said yesterday, even a buck or two makes a difference. Meanwhile President Obama is workin' the phones and taking a leading role in getting relief to Haiti (I hear we're even sending an aircraft carrier). As horrifying as the situation is in that country, it's always amazing to see how our country can come together in a crisis. (Health care, climate change, financial regulation, and recessions excluded on account of they're pre-existing conditions.)
JEERS to things that are not helpful. Why does Pat Robertson feel so compelled to climb out of his hole and shit on our moment of national unity by saying the earthquake that devastated Haiti happened because the people there made a pact with the devil? Why does Rush Limbaugh feel the need to use the federal response to pull racism out of his butt again? Y'know, last night I said to Michael during dinner: "I wonder how long it'll be before some conservative dick chastises the president for acting more quickly on Haiti than he did after the Detroit bomber set his short 'n curlies on fire?" Turns out Rush had already done it hours earlier. Yup---he is so good at asshattery that he literally does it before you have time to suggest he might be thinking of doing it. Sounds to me like Rush is the one signing on Beelzebub's dotted line.
P.S. My spellchecker didn’t flag "asshattery." Aww...it understands me.
JEERS to judging books by their cover. I looked at the faces of the CEOs of the bankster syndicate who testified before a bipartisan panel yesterday in Washington, and all I could think was [Caution: Blue Language Ahead!]: you fucking fucks, fuck you. Here, in a nutshell, is what they said yesterday: "Okay, okay, we're sorry. Whatever. We guarantee it'll happen again and you'll bail us out. Can we go now?" Yeah---in a straight to Hell sorta direction. Rush can draw you a map.
CHEERS to stopping with all the shooting and the banging and the bayoneting and whatnot. 226 years ago today, on January 14, 1784, Congress ratified the Treaty of Paris, officially ending the War of Independence. It also included earmarks for a pantaloon museum, a giant biodome for the study of butterfly flatulence, and a bridge to nowhere. Say this for Congress---they learned quickly.
CHEERS to a boffo review. The Boston Globe makes its endorsement in the race to fill Ted Kennedy's seat, aaaaaaaaaaannnnd.......SPOILER ALERT!!!
Voters who want to cast a critical eye on Washington without destroying the Democratic coalition should go for [Martha] Coakley. Her quiet diligence in pursuing some of the most thankless, but deeply important, tasks in prosecuting child abusers, scouring the fine print of Big Dig contracts to bring back hundreds of millions of dollars, and securing $60 million from Goldman Sachs for its subprime mortgage abuses, contrasts sharply with Brown's five-year record of voting no in a state Senate run by the opposite party.
She is by far the more qualified candidate, in experience and judgment. She has prosecuted hundreds of criminals and helped coordinate plans to protect the state from terrorist threats. As attorney general, she's returned $1 billion to state coffers.
So how much is a newspaper endorsement worth these days? Taking inflation into account: a cuppa coffee and a warm fuzzy. But it's better than a kick in the head!
CHEERS to grumpy old men. Happy Birthday to Andy Rooney---both he and his eyebrows are 91 today. C&J will never forget his commentary on the White House's selling of the Iraq war one month after we invaded:
I'm patriotic but I wish our government would stop treating this war as if they had to sell it to us with slick advertising slogans. The White House Web site puts out a bulletin about the war with this headline: OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM. Come on, all we want is the news, not a sales pitch. ...
There aren't any good wars, but this one is especially bad. We want to win it quickly without more death but we're grown-up people, too. The President, Rumsfeld and the generals ought to stop treating us like children. Tell us the truth. We can take it even when it's bad. And the only real good news will be when this terrible time in American history is over.
Stay crotchety, Kiddo.
JEERS to budgets for bombs. Gee, I wonder if the teabaggers, who went into conniptions over the stimulus bill last year, will organize a mass march on Washington to protest President Obama's request for $742 billion to finish waging Bush's wars. Somehow I think not---in fact, they'll probably organize a march because the amount is too little. Things that go boom and kill people are A-OK with them. Compassionate conservatism in action.
CHEERS to the best TV on TV. Wow---The Simpsons premiered on Fox 20 years ago today. It's still as sharp as ever (there are dissenters, but they're wrong and I'm right), and they apparently have no plans to quit anytime soon. For my money this is their finest moment, but you may have your own favorite. In the C&J cafeteria: Duff on draft!
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Five years ago in C&J: January 14, 2005
JEERS to Lieberfying Canada. Bob's Newswire notes that the gent on the Canadian $5 bill bears a striking resemblance to a certain hawkish Democrat that most of us aren't too fond of. No wonder the Canadians pronounce it "5 duller."
CHEERS to Joe Klein. For his excellent essay in Time asking "Where is the Outrage?" over Alberto Gonzales's torture memos. I think you'll find it underneath the outrage over the non-existent WMDs, the outrage over the Medicare prescription drug swindle, the outrage over the outing of an undercover CIA agent... I'll stop there before heads start exploding.
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And just one more...
JEERS to the Post-Avatar Non-existent Imagination Coalition (PANIC!). James Cameron's fantasy flick, which has now officially become too big to fail, is having a strange impact on moviegoers:
A utopian planet inhabited by blue aliens is the ideal setting for a bit of cinematic escapism. But the world of the sci-fi epic Avatar is so perfect the line between fact and fiction has become somewhat blurred. Movie-goers have admitted being plagued by depression and suicidal thoughts at not being able to visit the planet Pandora.
Yeah, I felt the same thing after I saw Star Wars for the eleventy-fifth time. And you know what I did? I created Tatooine in my backyard and the Death Star in my basement. An upended trash can became R2D2. A stick became a lightsaber. I could hold out my arm and say, "I find your lack of faith in the Force disturbing" as my next-door-neighbor buddy crumpled to the floor---then we'd switch places and he'd do it to me. I saved my money and built all the cool Star Wars models. I collected the action figures. I memorized every note of the John Williams score. And did I mention the comics and video games? The world of "Star Wars" became more real to me than real life (and don’t get me started on how real the world of Kirk, Spock and McCoy is to Trekkies, or that of Harry and Hogwarts is to Potter fans). You wanna experience Pandora on Earth? Great, I'll help you get started: here's a stick and a trash can. Now go kick some Colonel Quaritch ass.
Oh, and if I may say: Thursday looks good on you. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine is just a pain in the ass to everybody in the world as far as I can tell."
---Senior House Democrat
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