Washington, DC - Building on the recent success of Massachusetts Senate candidate Scott Brown, the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) today released a revised "target candidate profile" they will use to recruit candidates for top-tier Senate races in the 2010 cycle and beyond.
"The profile details are still being worked out," said an anonymous source at the NRSC, "but the basic sketch is pretty clear."
The shorthand for the emerging profile: "Cosmo Ken."
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"Essentially, we're looking for candidates who have good hair and teeth, and decent grooming sensibilities."
The ideal candidates need to be able to master generic babbling, and need to know better than to try to engage in substance. "We don't want people who are going to lose their composure when they get caught in gross lies or contradictions," the staffer continued.
The source continued that target candidates also need to be well versed in the standard Republican repertoire of fantasy tales - trickle-down economics, safety-through-torture, genuine concern about fiscal responsibility - "even the old Saddam Hussein & 9/11 thing - for the right crowd."
Caption: Target NRSC candidate recruiting profile - codename "Cosmo Ken"*
"Its not like they need to think - once they get to Washington, Mitch and the other guys can basically tell them what to do, where to stand, etc." he continued.
"Note," said the source,"we're not just looking for cookie cutter candidates here, either - the goal is actually to get some diversity!."
The new recruiting effort builds on the unexpected success of Republican Senate candidate Scott Brown in Massachusetts, the first candidate recruited using a beta version of the profile. Even if Brown ultimately loses his Senate race, polling in that state suggests an unexpectedly close contest.
If Brown happens to win, he will help Republicans fulfill their goal of achieving total gridlock in the nation's capital. Top Republican strategists believe this will allow major problems to fester until Sarah Palin's inauguration in 2013 - which leading pundits all agree will become inevitable should Brown win.
Back to the Classics
"In a way, the new profile is just rediscovering what we already knew about how to appeal to Massachusetts voters - remember Mitt Romney?" the staffer continued.
"And Romney's success," the staffer added, "was really about remembering what started this whole thing in the first place."
* Notice to lobbyists:
Caribou Barbie sold separately.