As first reported by IDIOCY NEWS - January 25, 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. - To avoid any further confusion between himself and previous president George W. Bush, today, current United States President Barack Obama forcibly stuck his head up his own ass.
"I wanted to see how it felt," Obama mumbled to reporters afterwards, between grunts. "It's kind of, uh, ya know, interesting, but it seems highly overrated to me. Plus, it really stinks."
The incident in question occurred at approximately 8:30 p.m. EST. A perplexed news media stood around watching President Obama perform this gruesome task, open-mouthed, and at one point, several of them offered to help.
"We have been hoping, fingers crossed and everything!, that the American public had its head up its ass, anyway, for a number of years now," exclaimed an enthusiastic Cokie Roberts. "Unfortunately, since America seems to finally be coming out of the dark ages of not paying attention to anything but Lost, the next best thing is for the President of the United States to stick his own head up his own ass, and quite frankly, keep it there."
"Perhaps it will inspire others to do the same," Roberts added.
During Mr. Obama's intense and thorough self-examination, Rahm Emanuel, the president's Chief of Staff, gave the hawk-eye to Ana Marie Cox and told her to "sit down and shut the fuck up."
While Cox looked doe-eyed and ready to address Mr. Emanuel's comment directly, the Chief of Staff proclaimed, "You've caused enough trouble, Cox. I thought you liked it up the butt?"
The newsroom immediately lit up with guffaws and bellows of laughter. Exchanges of "Well, I never!" were heard all over the room, especially from the more prudish members of the president's press corps. An embarrassed Ms. Cox quickly left the room, in tears.
Mr. Obama's Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, turned the color of a ripe beet during the president's anal probe. At press time, Mr. Gibbs is still a dramatic shade of scarlet fever and, when asked about this, replied unconvincingly, "I've always wanted to see what this looked like. It makes me feel bad for Eric Cartman."
When questioned how long President Obama would keep his head up his ass, Mr. Obama shockingly stated, "As long as it takes to convince the American people that I'm quite comfortable this way, and that I'm committed to losing my Democratic base and each and every one of the independent voters."
Mr. Obama then went into a severe coughing fit that can only be cured with an enema. President Obama's personal physician has been notified.
It is unclear whether or not the president would remain in the same sad state for Wednesday's State of the Union address. David Axelrod, the president's Senior Advisor, was overheard telling Mr. Emanuel, "I don't know how the hell we can get a microphone up there. I don't want to have to do that. Do you?!"