A heartfelt congratulations to the fine people of Massachusetts. You obviously read my recent comments about the voters of Maine, and you decided to do something to take the focus off of their short-sighted stupidity to put that spotlight squarely on your chilly little commonwealth...
Dear Senator-elect Brown,
Congratulations on your victory in last week's special election in Massachusetts. I know the vast experience, insight, and gravitas you bring to the office will make your constituents - hell, all of America! - very proud. Some people claim to be "shocked" that a Republican could win in Massachusetts, but the Memphis Grizzlies are currently one of the hottest teams in the NBA, so anything is possible. Plus, your opponent had a lot of Memphis Grizzlies qualities. I don't mean the Grizzlies that are beating the bejeezus out of top teams lately, but the ones who started the season 1-8 and had people convinced that they were TRYING to lose.
I write to you today to let you know that my cleaning lady wasn't able to finish her work this morning because she had a raging fever which she figures is related to fluid building up in her head. Apparently that's what it was last time, so she expects she'll have surgery to drain the fluid. She is going to the doctor this afternoon, and she should find out something then. You might think, “Well, what a good American! She tried to get some house-cleaning in before her doctor’s appointment.” But, sir, I’m sad to report that she is – at best – a half-good American. My downstairs is still a mess.
Now, I know what you're thinking. As an up-and-coming politician in this country, you could almost certainly recommend your cleaning lady to fill in while mine is allegedly unable to work. In fact, your lady might not even charge me so long as I agree not to say anything to the INS. But that’s just an unfortunate stereotype of politicians. Just because illegal immigrant housekeeper stories became so commonplace that the media don’t even consider it worth reporting anymore, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true of you. Plus, you can’t really spare the help right now, as you are about to be a very busy man, what with undoing the massive damage done to our country by the Obama administration over the past year. If you really roll up your sleeves and get to work, I’m confident that you and your fellow Republicans will get us back to the good old days of Fall 2008.
Alas, I’m going to have to address the cleaning of my house later. There is something even more important that has prompted me to write to you today. You see, after my cleaning lady left, it occurred to me that she probably doesn’t have health insurance. I mean, I’m certainly not going to buy it for her, and with all those pre-existing conditions from years of breathing in bleach fumes while cleaning people’s toilets, I wouldn’t wish her on any insurer in this country. I mean, talk about cutting into bonuses!! The damage to shareholder value alone has me so distraught that I almost forgot to be angry about my messy house. Almost…
What I really need you to understand, though, is that I am worried about my cleaning lady. If she doesn’t have insurance, she is almost certainly going to be lining up for a handout from the government. Now, I’m a God-fearing Christian, so I don’t wish severe medical problems on anyone (except maybe Al Gore), but you and I both know that her going to the doctor today is basically taking hard-earned money out of the pockets of the good people of this country. To think that the morons in that Democrat party want to guarantee health care handouts not only to people who cleaned half a house today but even to those who didn’t clean any houses today. I just thank the good Lord above that you were elected this week to put a stop to the fleecing of people like you and me. Now that we’ve got 41 Senators, it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that we have a mandate from the American people to kill this healthcare legislation immediately. The Congressional Budget Office says that the healthcare plan might actually save money when compared to the financial cost of doing nothing, but that place is filled with a bunch of bureaucrats who just think they’re so smart with their college degrees and research and analysis and arugula. Move to France or something, CBO bureaucrats.
Now getting back to my point, I need to know that we’re on the same page regarding my cleaning lady and her attempt to steal from the American taxpayer. It’s not my fault if she made bad decisions in her life. This is a land of opportunity, but only for those willing to work for it - like you and me and Donald Trump’s kids. I mean, when The Donald passes away, the liberals are going to be all fired up to take from those poor Trump kids what is rightfully theirs. Just think of all the apprenticing those kids have had to do already – living in constant fear that they could be fired at the slightest misstep. Not to mention the stress of wondering if the NEXT time dad declares bankruptcy, it might not be as easy to get billions of dollars in debt forgiven as it was the first couple of times. Do we really want to take from good Americans like them and just waste it on lazy people who insist on being parasites on the economy? When she gets home from 12-hour days of cleaning people’s houses, I bet my allegedly ill cleaning lady just sits around her subsidized housing crafting schemes to bleed every cent out of people who actually work for a living.
But I bet she doesn’t do this all on her own. No, I bet the two grandkids she’s raising are also in on it - parasite apprentices, if you will. They are in the gifted program at their public school (ugh, don’t even get me started on property taxes!), so I suspect they know all the latest in gaming the system to avoid honest work. One of them was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year. Who do you think paid for that surgery, huh? First a free education in a school that doesn’t have nearly as much asbestos as it used to and then complimentary brain surgery! Here, why don’t you just take my house while you’re at it kid?!?
Senator-elect Brown, I commend you for even wanting to take on the monumental task ahead of you. This country has descended into a socialist, fascist, arugula nightmare, and it’s going to take a lot of work to get us back on the path to prosperity and American values. This Obama guy is one sneaky fellow, and he’s got all these sheep convinced that if people are suffering we should try to help them. Well, I say if you want a better life in this country, you should earn it. That’s what American heroes have always done. Did George W. Bush whine about how hard life is? No!! I’m sure some days he wanted to give up. No doubt he often woke up with headaches that my cleaning lady can’t even begin to imagine. But he brushed the taste of vomit from his mouth, made sure he got a nutritious breakfast from the family chef, summoned the chauffer, and set off to pull himself up by his custom-made, Italian leather bootstraps. It’s just like the part of the Bible that I choose to focus on says, “God helps those who help themselves. And no gay marriage.”
Now, I’m a busy guy, so I need you to know I’m counting on you to come through for me Mr. Brown. I trust that you will take my words to heart and put everything you’ve got into saving this country from a potentially horrendous fate. I’ve enclosed my donation to your campaign fund. Right now it’s the maximum I can give, but with the Supreme Court ruling yesterday lifting the illegal restrictions on my constitutionally guaranteed right to express myself through money, you can rest assured there’s more where that came from. We keep the bulk of my trust fund in the Caymans since Grandfather’s passing, God rest his soul. As soon as I know that the funds will be safe from taxation, I will direct the estate to support your fight for freedom in this great nation of ours with considerable sums of First Amendment-guaranteed contributions. Finally SOMETHING working out the way the Founding Fathers envisioned.
I just realized it’s past lunchtime now, and I’m starving. Being a hardworking American can be a burden. Like right now my fingers are tired from typing. After a good lunch, though, I’ll be back to the old grind. But, God willing, I will continue to reap the rewards of the American Dream and not be swindled out of one damned dime of it by those who would ruin this country with tax rates and social programs comparable to those of other developed nations. Argh, my house is STILL messy!
Most Sincerely Yours,
Brian the Plumber