It's been a while since I wrote a diary. I felt it some kind of tribute to have my last diary a distillation of her eulogy. It had over a thousand comments and I still go back and read them sometimes when I'm feeling especially lonely.
This wonderful community of caring humans helped me with my grief in a way I had not thought possible by the anonymity of this venue.
It has been 15 months since I lost Dona to cancer, she was 45 and she grew more beautiful to me every day of her short life. My grief remains part of my everyday existence and I will miss her dearly for the rest of my life.
As the tears begin to spill out (again and again) I'm writing today because the story of my life has changed, and I want to share it with you.
I met her at a grief support event. (Did you see that coming in the intro paragraphs?)
We share a common horrific experience. We share a powerful desire to have someone to share life with, after having "single" reluctantly forced upon us it is natural and desirable to be a 'couple' again. Widows (hate hate hate that word) don't find it pleasant to go to dinner alone, or the movies alone, or walk in the woods alone, because it exacerbates the overwhelming persistent blanket of loneliness to be alone in public. I used to say I could be alone without being lonely, but that was before Dona died. Since then, alone has been nothing but lonely. A crushing blanket of lonely at that.
Finding love again has been incredibly therapeutic for me. Finding love again has given me joy that has been sorely missing for the last 15 months. Finding love again has given me not only hope, but optimism, which is even better than hope. Finding love again has done more for healing my grief than the previous year of therapy.
Since you were there for me in those dark days in the autumn of 2008, I thought it appropriate to let you know I have found happiness, my faith that "When God takes something away, she gives you something back" has been restored. (Yes, Julie told me that)
I hope I made you smile, I owe it to you for the tears you shed for me 15 months ago. Thank you all for being you all, a wonderful collective. Thank you all for being there for me. I will always love Dona, and will never forget her. Had she lived for two extra weeks she would have seen the election of Barack Obama. On the other hand, I'm glad she didn't live long enough to learn that her guy, John Edwards, turned out to be such a shit. (Having a wife with cancer was all she needed to support him, and I was with her on that)
So, my fellow Kossaks, you can stop worrying about me. I'm OK. A quote from Dona's eulogy:
Sorrow hollows out the vessel that holds our joy, increasing its capacity.
The vessel is filling up again. Just thought you deserved an end to that story.
Now all of you in the Mid-Atlantic get outside and start shoveling. If you have a plow on your truck, stop by my house, I want to go see Julie today.