Dear Kossacks:
I would like to sincerely apologize to you for the grievous mistakes I've made on this website, from past to present, which are apparently too numerous to name. Since I've had a change of heart about President Obama over two months ago, and I now consider myself something of a cynic, I humbly recognize that I am at fault for merely breathing and I'd like to say "I'm sorry".
THINGS I AM SORRY FOR!
February 12, 2010
by Shiz
- Having standards.
- Being a purity troll.
- Acting like an infant, a toddler, a 5-year-old, a teenager, etc.
- Refusing to toe Ben Nelson's line.
- Letting the perfect become the enemy of the good.
- Secretly working with Jane Hamsher.
- Firedoglake and The Huffington Post. It is my fault that both websites exist.
- Arianna Huffington being rich.
- Throwing temper tantrums and setting my hair on fire (not necessarily in that order).
- Being unstable.
- Wanting a pony. I've worked on this a bit, though, and now I'd like Obama to send me a unicorn instead.
- Swearing. I gotta fucking clean that shit up.
- Paying attention to what President Obama and Congress are/are not doing. I will attempt to be less "up" on the news from this moment on.
- Hating Obama, and believing that Obama = Bush. (Even though I never did either of those things, but it's just got to be my fault somehow.)
- Being angry. I'll only be happy from now on.
- Being a Nervous Nellie. I promise to no longer be anxious.
- James Inhofe.
- Paula Abdul.
- 80s hair.
- Not being drunk.
- Not letting The Power of Positive Thinking™ interfere with reality.
- Reality.
- Consistently repeating Republican memes.
- Being a "teabagger".
- Being a "racist".
- Torture. Waterboarding was totally my idea.
- Not being a true Democrat.
- Constructing as many strawmen scenarios per day as humanly possible.
- Throwing everybody under the bus.
- Becoming Glenn Beck's mouthpiece.
- Killing kittens.
- Honestly thinking that women's reproductive rights were a Democratic party platform issue. My bad.
- Honestly thinking that gay rights were a Democratic party platform issue. Oh wait, they're not, except when it's convenient.
- The Twilight series.
- Aiding and abetting terrorists, and apologizing for Osama bin Laden. I can only promise to be more like George W. Bush in the days to come.
- Complaining/bitching/whining/not grabbing a mop/never being satisfied/overestimating Obama/not paying attention/being a PUMA/expecting too much too soon/etc.
- Being an attention whore.
- Holding Obama's feet to the fire. I plainly should have seen, over a year ago, that this was just lip service and didn't really mean anything.
- Wanting President Obama to fire Rahm Emanuel. Rahm Emanuel is, like, a GOD! (Kinda like Mark Warner.)
- Not recognizing the good things Obama has done. Ever. EVER! (Even though I've diaried about it extensively, so I can't really figure this one out.)
- Holding my breath until I turn blue and then passing out. THUMP.
- Not being comfortable eating shit sandwiches for breakfast. I'll work on that as much as I can, but I can't promise that I won't immediately vomit afterwards.
- John Mayer's penis.
- Frank Luntz.
- 11th dimensional chess.
- My reading comprehension skills.
- My parents' procreation methods.
- Bruce Willis movies.
- Lack of American jobs.
- Knowing that nothing is going to help the US without strong leadership and a Congress with a backbone.
I apologize for all of these heinous inadequacies, as they are clearly beyond the pale and, not only do they limit how much I should/could/would post on Daily Kos, but they entitle me to one free dinner at the Shit Sandwich Express™. Which, as I now understand, is both promoted and endorsed by the Obama administration, the DNC, and this website.
I'm sorry for how I am, particularly with that whole "breathing" part. I'll try to stop that as soon as I can.
Yours,
Shiz
P.S.