Greetings newsroom directors of this great land. I hope you share my very real appreciation for the process... let's be honest... the art of masturbation.
It's not just about finding a quiet place and rubbing one out. It's about method. It's about technique. The process needs to be appreciated. You don't diminish masturbation by using immature terms like "hand job" or "whack-off." That's not what this is all about. This is on a much higher level.
And so it should be shared. It should be shouted from the hilltops. It should be announced, repeated, and analyzed.
So I stand before you to announce--loud and proud--that before the sun sets on February 19th 2009 I will treat myself to some good old fashioned masturbation. From a technical standpoint, my mind isn't fully made up. I may surprise myself. Will I use the "downward repeating left-right alternate?" The more formal, "forehand tug?" The more involved but well-worth-the-effort, "Twisted Madam on a Sunday Afternoon in the Syrup Field?" (not sure if I have any good wooden spoons left).
Frankly, it may involve cocoa butter.
But regardless of how the deed is done, there will be masturbation, and it will be glorious. I can see it now! Not literally, but you get the picture.
I can hardly wait. If I wasn't already on the public library's "Watch List," I might not.
So anyway, the masturbation is going to take place at my house... probably around sixish. And if you can't make it, probably also eight fifteenish. Hell it's a Friday. Check back again at 9:30.
Before I close this press release, an aside to the news directors of this great nation.
I'm sure you remember this isn't the first time I've contacted you about an impending session of beautiful self-love.... and I don't mind telling you that your failure to send a camera crew complete with a team of analysts and talking heads was more than a little bit of a disappointment.
The climaxes were mind-blowing.
But I see all that's changed now. For two days I've been checking your front pages and listening to your analyses. And there can be no doubt that however you were misguided before, you have seen the light.
I have read your articles and analysis, and I finally feel welcome.
LIVE FROM CPAC: MICHELLE BACHMANN JACKS OFF
SURPRISE APPEARANCE: DICK AND LIZ CHENEY JACK OFF TOGETHER
RISING STARS?: MARCO RUBIO AND SCOTT BROWN JACK OFF TO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE
JOHN BOEHNER: "MAKE ME SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, AND YOU'LL SEE THE BRIGHT ORANGE BLUR OF ME JACKING OFF BEHIND PRESIDENT OBAMA AT HIS NEXT STATE OF THE UNION"
ERIC CANTOR: SPECTACULAR JACKING OFF! IT'S NOT JUST HIS FACE THAT'S HORSELIKE
So thank you CNN. Thank you Associated Press. Thank you even MSNBC and "The Liberal New York Times." Thank you for bringing masturbation out of the closet and where it belongs: to the National Headlines. Because lets face it, the only difference between a comfy chair in front of my computer and the lectern at that spectacular whack-fest is I previously had enough shame to think I didn't belong on national TV just for touching myself. But I know better, and you know better, so let's make headlines. Shake my hand!
What's that you say?
Ah. You're right. Perhaps a "fist bump" would be best in this case.