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Here's what I'm ranting on: Storks?
In Western culture, the White Stork is a symbol of childbirth. In Victorian times, the details of human reproduction were difficult to approach, especially in reply to a younger child's query of "Where did I come from?"
"The stork brought you to us" was the tactic used to avoid discussion of sexual intercourse. This habit was derived from the once popular superstition that storks were the harbingers of happiness and prosperity, and possibly from the habit of some storks of nesting atop chimneys, down which the new baby could be imagined as entering the house.
Wait one damn minute. There are too many holes in the Stork Theorem for it to even stand as a standard excuse not to have to explain that mommy and daddy…well…um…actually, I don’t know how you explain this to a precocious child anymore. At least without that child reciting that story back in their school, having a teacher catch wind of it, and then the people of Child Services visit you with notebooks and a white van with State Gov't tags. And the cops.
Nevertheless, let us consider this for a moment.
A bird flying around with a child from an undisclosed location and dropping them into chimneys? Anyone else think that might not be the most safe, sanitary way for a newborn baby to start his or her life; getting dropped down a dusty chimney into a fireplace? On some dirty logs? I mean, what if there’s actually a fire there? And what if the parents aren't home? Do they leave a sticky note, as UPS does?
“Sorry, we could not deliver your child today; requires signature. Will try again at: 4:35pm Tuesday."
Moreover, if babies are born every minute of every hour of every day, then how in the hell in 30 years of my natural lifetime have I not seen any of these birds with baby parcel? Don’t give me that mess about they only come out at night, because somehow a Stork delivered me to Louisiana in the middle of the afternoon, Central time. And I don't remember flying down some chimney chute.
Okay, I remember nothing of that day. I'm just certain there was no flying involved.
One more thing: in this age of internet and customization, isn’t the Stork process outmoded and random? I mean, if I wanted a child, I should be able to pull up www.storkbabies.com, click on the order tab, and then click “Customize”. I should be able to pick sex, race, eye color, hairstyle, weight, personality, life aspirations…you know, and all that stuff you do when you create a Sim. Then have an express delivery option, when I absolutely, positively must have a baby overnight! Matter of fact, while I’m on the subject, where exactly is this Baby Factory at, anyway? I would think it’s easier to just drive over there and pick one up. Who runs that place? Dick Cheney?
And since the kids are smarter than the adults trying to outsmart them now, and can debunk that mess faster than you can create another lie to support it, isn’t better to…save that chat for when you finally and inevitably have The Talk?
On Tonight's Show: actor-who's-in-everything Don Cheadle, and author Jeannette Walls.
Highlights:
Apparently, the sole guest on CraigyFerg's Show was Stephen Fry. So, here it is, in its entirety.