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Republicans have long been obsessed with marrying animals.

Its the place they go when they run out of other, even less rational, places to go regarding THE SCARIEST EVIL TO EVER BESET HUMANITY... AKA Gay Nuptials.

(Truth be told, THE SCARIEST EVIL TO EVER BESET HUMANITY is actually "uttbay exsay"... but that's SO TOTALLY EXCITING TERRIFYING... conservatives will do everything in their power to avoid even thinking about it. How else could one explain paying money to listen to Hammy Sagar?)

Anyway, back to the concept of making a mongoose the old ball-and-leash, tonight I stumbled across this diary here which claims former Braves pitcher and current thinking-about-getting-into-the-political-arena-cause-I'm-all-famous-and-shit idiot John Smoltz once thunked upon gay marriage and said...

"What's next? Marrying an animal?"

(Happily he did not say, "Marrying a DOG," which would have surely gotten him sued for copyright infringement by former congressman and current white-guy-with-great-hair-idiot Rick Santorum.)

But here's the thing, what's SO BAD about marrying an animal?

See, last I looked...

....no spider monkey has ever been caught in a bathroom trying to play footsie with an undercover cop... no porpoise has ever texted inappropriate "water games" to under-aged male pages... no giraffe has ever claimed to be nude hiking the Appalachian Trail when really the was in Argentina banging his lover.

To my knowledge, no tapir has ever paid a sex worker to diaper them as foreplay.

(Yes, yes, I too have heard of the tapir who asked to be "on top" of the food chain in the ol' game of carnivore and the prey, but, after a lifetime of being chased around the Serengeti... can you blame him?)

Seriously, no platypus has ever tried to find a hush-hush job for the husband of the staffer he's been banging in hopes of trying to keep the affair private.

(Hell, how could they? I don't think platypus EVEN have jobs... marsupial unemployment is currently hovering at 93%... and its very, very hard to say "hush-hush" when your speaking through your duckbill.)

Speaking of percentages, about 90 percent of the 9,700 bird species pair, mate, and raise chicks together — some returning together to the same nest site year after year.

Hey, Republicans, match that track record.

(And, while we're on the subject of birds, even the Darwinian disaster known as an Emu absolutely knows the difference between a shower implement and a middle-eastern meal.)

Want more mate-for-lifers? Gibbon apes, wolves, termites, coyotes, barn owls, beavers, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, brolga cranes, French angel fish, sandhill cranes, pigeons, prions (a seabird), red-tailed hawks, anglerfish, ospreys, prairie voles (a rodent), and black vultures.

Get that? PRARIE VOLES ARE MORE LOYAL THAN HETEROSEXUAL HUMANS!

Another thing animals do that Republicans should appreciate, they stay in their own class. Sure, a Acanthocephala might FUCK a Urochordata, but its not like he's going to MARRY her.

I mean, the worst animals do to their spouses is devour them after sex and... hey... Mr. Black Widow SO had it coming. How many times do you have to tell an arachnid to take out the recycling before eating him becomes your only fucking option.

So, fine, if the last argument for Republicans is that GAY MARRIAGE is the slippery slope to MAN/ANIMAL marriage, I say... GREAT ARGUMENT.

Apparently, the slope leads UPWARD toward both monogamy and enlightenment.

Originally posted to SYFPH on Sat Feb 27, 2010 at 10:07 PM PST.

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