Jim Bunning has broken my heart. I'd always consider myself able to out-dick at least an average Dick walking around town. Not that I'm a dick constantly, mind you. But it's good to know you can be the bigger dick if the need arises.
But the Kentucky Republican has raised the bar for us all, leaving the rest of us to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Every last one of us is going to have to step up and bring out our A-material if we're gonna measure up to one of the biggest dicks American politics has ever seen.
I'm here to introduce the Out-Dick Jim Bunning contest! It's a valuable exercise by which we can all flex our dick muscles, and try to sharpen ourselves up to be the most magnificent pricks we can be.
Because we can't take our own assholishness at face value anymore -- not when there's an A Number-One Superfly schmuck out there, dicking it up the way Jim Bunning has the past few days.
So, here's a few of the things I've done over the past few days to prove my dick credentials, in my ongoing efforts to out-dick Jim Bunning.
- Hung around outside a soup kitchen and cock-punched the homeless.
- Ate king-sized Butterfingers, deep-fried and wrapped in bacon outside the window of a weight loss center.
- Designed a fully-functional Puppy Incinerator, that can engulf 55 puppies in a clutch of flame every 30 seconds.
- Downgraded the Puppy Incinerator to make it less energy efficient and capable of producing four times as much carbon dioxide, sulfur dioxide and mercury, which is all sequestered in a poorly insulated vault located at a children's playground.
- Delivered a lecture to a classroom of 6th graders at an all-girl's school in which I informed them that to land a rich husband, they should really consider losing some weight and consulting with a plastic surgeon.
- Passed out free packets of Marlboro Extra Tar cigarettes at a Nicotine Anonymous meeting.
- Put monster truck wheels on my Hummer H2.
- Used up all the toilet paper in the house, and I have no plans to replace any of it, or even put the words "toilet paper" on the grocery list.
- Drove right into a puddle of water and road grime, splashing a busload of stranded single mothers carrying babies whose vehicle had broken down on the side of the road.
- Posted videos on Youtube that claim to have new movies and music, but which really contain some techno song and footage from an anime cartoon.
- Cut in line at the supermarket, slapped down a series of 20 coupons, and then proceeded to write a third-party out-of-state check without the proper ID.
- Promised I'd give Conan O'Brien my late night talk show, then reneged years later.
- Denied health care coverage to a toddler, claiming his broken leg was a pre-existing condition. He was born with the leg, after all.
- Stood right next to another man at a row of urinals, even though there was plenty of room for a buffer zone unused urinal.
- Heated up my cream of tuna with garlic sauce soup in the office microwave, then just left it there.
- Told a gay employee that he's free to do whatever he wants around the office, provided he gives me fashion advice and doesn't "mince around too much."
- Told a stay-at-home mom that being a mom isn't a real job because you don't get paid for it.
- Borrowed someone's car, then parked it across three handicapped spaces, then claimed the parking ticket and massive key-gash across the hood were both there before I borrowed the car.
- Drew the word "PENUS" next to your yearbook photo.
- Totally never washes the fucking dishes. Like, ever.
- Told a liberal that when she makes an income that's greater than $250,000, she'll be a Republican too.
- Watched an old lady try unsuccessfully to shovel snow off her car from my heated apartment building, sipping coffee and laughing uproariously.
- Yelled out the ending to "Shutter Island" to a line of movie patrons standing at the ticket counter -- after they'd bought tickets.
- Started the Facebook group, "If 1,000,000 people join this group, I'll continue feeding my cat."
- Every time it snows, I yell, "That Al Gore is full of shit, man."
Contest continues below! Don't forget to add your own dickitudes. Jim Bunning has thrown down his gauntlet. He's working day and night to be the biggest dick possible. Are you going to let him win?