CHRONIC TONIC posts on Thursdays at 9 EST, it is a place to share stories, advice, and information and to connect with others with chronic health conditions and those who care for them. Our diarists will report on research, alternative treatments, clinical trials, and health insurance issues through personal stories. You are invited to share in comments (and note if you'd like to be a future diarist). In addition to our weekly diaries, please join us for ongoing conversations at the Kossacks Networking site.
Tonight's diarist: paradox
Good Evening, Fellow Kossarians--
Very unfortunately I can bring no joyous tidings of climbing out of whatever life decided to whack my stomach with on a regular basis, only a worsening of the condition, I’m afraid. I was put on some rss inhibitor last year (zoloft), and after I started accelerating on the vomit to every 30 days I finally figured out that pill could be a problem, so I stopped taking it 48 days ago and have felt much better, ‘cept the last few days, but I’m not sick. [ yet ]
I saw my doctor recently, he was an asshole who said he never drank coffee and that I should have checked in with the surgeon before riding on my scars. He said he didn’t think I could quit smoking (I’m at 11 months without a puff) before ordering a complete organ cavity ultrasound, ostensibly to look for gall stones but every organ got scoped and clicked, all negative for anything wrong, as usual.
The psychiatrist who practiced usury along with his ludicrous rss prescription didn’t think I could quit smoking either. When the medical profession can’t figure you out they’re not very nice to you, I’ve noticed.
I was in psychoanalysis last year, only once a month but with January here I stopped, I just couldn’t fork over the cash anymore for some apparently good evolution that still left me vomiting on a regular basis. I had an issue it would be good to stay with on that basis, surely, but that didn’t mean I’d be well again, so another medical professional weaved through my life, earnest yet unsuccessful like all the rest. She was good people, I know she worries about me a bit, it’s fucked up.
I’m still with my gardens out at St. Jude’s, this Sunday the youths and I plant a big strawberry garden, while the 55 rose canes under my care at the house here are all set. I still have to get out to the church today or Saturday for the final work on the 35 rose canes there, I was up in the middle of the night last night and I’ve got motivational issues in heaving my ass out into the muddy cold to get ripped with thorns. Still, it has to get done in the next three days and it will.
I started writing 6 essays a week at the beginning of the year for a blog where I’m an editor, The Left Coaster, the Sunday work purely California-centric. I just felt like I had an opportunity for a challenge, I wasn’t going to hit every single day but I could try. Do it for a year to see what happens, see where your head and your skills are after a year.
It is not in my character to take shit quietly, right, and unfortunately I’ve just railed and whupped upon the Obama people with all the hurled feces I can muster, seriously, I am not happy about our Executive and Congressional leadership, if this keeps up it wouldn’t surprise me at all to see a total debacle this November.
I don’t want that to happen, I don’t want to be right, and I absolutely loathe being the un-loyal cranky soldier, so I’m a little stuck there. It was good to have the day off, I am so tired of all the fuming. I have a piece to write about television tomorrow, so at least that will be another day of avoiding the rant about what disastrous bipartisan-fantasy fuckups we have that are blowing this precious opportunity to hell. Then the weekend away from federal politics, good, two more days of not dealing with the typically grossly offensive DC histrionics, like slimy asshole Senators proclaiming relief with that stinking wannabe jobs bill, god, I do get weary of the embarrassment from such awful Democrats.
See what I mean? I’ve been looking for work, it would be very good to get distracted, but nothing yet, and I am rather tired of being dishonest with everyone about it all. Pretending I can be in the labor force, I mean, I’m actually still sick. I’ve been pretending for seven years now, a different path would be better, but life hasn’t presented one, you know?
I talk to God and my people and the roses all the time about it, but I’m not better yet. I’ve definitely implemented changes from the last time I spoke to y’all, smoking’s not only it, hell no, but still stuck with whatever mystery ailment I’ve got.
I’m still in shape, still on the bike and going to the gym. 6'1" 216 lbs. at 16% body fat, not bad.
[shrugs] I really don’t know what to say. I’m still okay, I’m still sick, I’ve still got to work. I’ve already got something I’ll never be able to get over clouding my days, I really hope my stomach doesn’t get added on. I try very hard not to let that happen, I haven’t succeeded yet, we’ll see what happens.