Welcome to part three of this series. I am writing about the process of bankruptcy from the inside for a couple of reasons. First, it is so mind numbing and overwhelming that I have to do something. Since I write, well, that is what I do to get things straight in my own head. The second reason is the more important one, the hope that having some record of this experience out there will help someone, anyone, who has to go through this process in the future. If you are interested in how Liz and I got here and what going and talking to the lawyers is like you can find those installments at the links below:
My Bankruptcy – An American Story 1
My Bankruptcy – An American Story 2
"Originally posted at Squarestate.net"
This installment has a lot of personal stuff, so if that is not to your taste, you can probably skip this one. One of the things I have found with this process is how easy it is to get frozen; to find yourself with many things to do in order to get the process going and finished by being completely unable to face it.
The Nuns used to say that procrastination is its own punishment, you suffer while you avoid your work, then you still have to do the work. This is exactly where Liz and I find ourselves. We start to work on it, then find that any other work is more compelling. Do a little work and then its "Oh! I think the grout in the second bathroom needs to be cleaned" or "This book shelf would really be better if it was alphabetized" or "Who want to clean out the gutters?" Anything at all to avoid this
Strangely one of the hardest things we have had to do up to now is go through all our possessions and put some kind of value on them. The standard you are supposed to use is what would you pay for this item at a garage sale? I can’t speak for others but this standard is killing me. I don’t shop at garage sales, to start with, but the real thing that gets me thinking I need to clean the gutters is that I keep imagining that I am seeing all our possessions out on the lawn with bargain hunters pawing through it.
I always thought I was pretty detached from my possessions, they are just things, they are not family members or even pets, they are merely material possessions that can and will be replaced. Yet, I seem to be morning for them, even as I go through the process that will save them from being taken away from me. It is completely nuts, but then this process seems (at the moment) to be a series of flash-bulb moments of barely controlled insanity anyway.
Let me give you a little example. As a result of the Bankruptcy Reform act, you now have to take a credit counseling course before you can file. I have always been of two minds about this; it is a an indignity and it slows down the process of getting out from under the crushing weight of debt that someone filing bankruptcy has. On the other hand, it is worthwhile to give folks who, for whatever reason, have gotten so deep into debt that they need to have those debts forgiven some reminders of techniques that might help them prevent this in the future.
In any case it is what it is, it is a requirement and Liz and I have to go through it no matter what. We got a list of companies that do this counseling. Which is a bit of scam. You see the services are free, but if you want the certificate (suitable for framing or sending to the court) you have to pay a fee for it. Okay, that little bit of sophistry is annoying but a business does need to make money, so it is a minor psychic wound.
What pours salt in it is that we go to one that is local and on-line and what do we find in addition to this mealy mouthed shell game about costs? Down in the corner of the website a little box that says "Search the Bible. Enter the Bible Passage, keyword or topic you want to find". The second thing that jumped out at me was the fact that it should be "Biblical" not Bible Passage. The first was that there is even such a thing on a website for bankruptcy.
While I guess that there are some Christian folks who are going bankrupt that might find this comforting, the rest of us are out of luck. As an atheist this is like having a thumb stuck in your eye. I don’t need anything more stressful right now. Still I am a total curious kind of person, so I entered bankruptcy in the search engine. No results found. Apparently the Christian god is agnostic on bankruptcy.
Needless to say we are not going to use that service. But going back to putting a value on our stuff (see how adverse I am on this, I digressed for 200 words in my own article just to avoid thinking about it!). There is a twenty-one page form we have to fill out about our property. In it you list what you have, if it is owned by one or other of you or is community or joint property. You list your share of the ownership, the amount of equity and if you think it is going to be exempt (I am sure the lawyer goes over that part before it is entered for the court). You also put in your market value.
Maybe we are going at this wrong because we are such nerds, but for home furnishings we have compiled the list of everything in the house and are trying to figure out what we would pay for it if we found it on someone’s lawn some sunny Saturday morning. What is our 18 year old leather coach worth? It is nicked and a little dry but it is still functional and comfortable enough for the den where it sits. How about the bedroom set we bought with my first project bonus? It all matches, but is also used and the veneer is missing in a couple of small spots. Is that worth $500? $300?
One of the things which seems unfair about this process is that some of the folks (Liz and I maybe, probably) are not very good about paying the right amount of money for possessions. It has to be part of how people get to this point, so making them put a value on these things seems like a good way to get an inflated value, doesn’t it?
All this is very frustrating, which leads to the other problem that has been cropping up. Liz and I have had a few arguments. I know that sounds pretty mild, but we are (usually) as simpatico as two people can get. All of these arguments are over stupid stuff, they have to be since the real cause is stress. We get loud, we say make crappy arguments based on flawed logic and emotion. Then one or the other of us leaves to take a walk. When they come back it is race to see who gets to apologize for being an asshole first. That’s the good part, but the bad part is that we are having these fights at all. This is a time when we need each others support the most. The stress, the guilt and the frustration that is causing them is external to our relationship. Neither of us had a substance or gambling problem. We did not get here from being crazy with our spending, Liz’s health problems and both of us losing our jobs took us over the brink. Still we both seem to be internalizing the fault and then lashing out from shame.
We have a very strong marriage, but this is the kind of thing that can erode even the strongest marriage. It makes me very nervous, she is the love of my life and as bad as this is, losing her would be even worse.
The fun doesn’t end there either. Looking at our income and what our outgoing costs will be after we are through filing it does not look like we will make enough to cover everything. With insurance Liz has to have $150 worth of medications a month to keep her back injury under control. This is very important as she has to be able to look for work and then be able to take the job if and when she gets it. Between paying for that, insurance of the car, power and water and food, it does not look as though we will be able to keep our house that we have lived in for the last 14 years.
We are back on the hope bubble, we’re going to try to keep the house in the bankruptcy and then if we don’t find work, well we can let them foreclose on it. It is the last desperate Hail Mary of our first financial life. I can’t decide if I am being stubborn or foolish on this. We could just let the bank take the house in the Chapter 7 filing and that would be that. We might be able to find a place to rent that was low enough that we would start to have extra income right away, but at this particular point, I just can’t face that. I know, when you are declaring Chapter 7 there is no place for pride, but I can’t quite give up everything, not all at once.
And who knows? The horse might learn to sing. Things are supposed to be turning around in this economy and we are both skilled and educated people, we should be employable, right? This week will see another 15 or so applications and a job fair. Hopefully something will break lose soon.
So, it is off to value my possessions some more. The gutters are clean, the grout is shining, the books are alphabetized to death and this article is written. There is no getting around it anymore.
The floor is yours.