A couple of weeks ago I was looking over the 2010 Census website, and I realized a disturbing fact. There was not one mention of the undead. I got the same result when I searched for "zombie" and "vampire."
Having once had a hunger for brains (college) and a taste for blood (law school), I swore that I would not rest until I got to the bottom of this important story. (Okay, I swore because I stubbed my toe.) Many vividly-imagined phone calls and emails later - it works for the other side - the Truth can now be revealed.
More below the fold....
Census 2010 - Lack of Transparency, or Discrimination?
Anyone who has seen documentaries like Blood Ties and Zombieland, read Max Brooks' riveting history World War Z, or watched Jerry Springer knows, there are tens of thousands if not millions of undead walking among us. Nothing in the U.S. Constitution precludes them from citizenship or voting if they would otherwise be eligible. One even ran for president in 2008:
Obviously, they should be counted in the census, and they should have a separate category. Common sense and starting over from page one demand no less. Yet the census website has not one mention of "undead," "vampire," or "zombie." Either the Obama administration are hiding their plans to count the undead, or they plan to discriminate against the undead. And I set out to find out which version of Teh Evul they were being this time.
The logical place to start was with a call to the White House, because the President of the United States should know every detail of everything that happens in the U.S. government.
THEM: Thank you for calling the White House. If you know your party's extension, please dial it now.
ME: I want to talk to the president about whether the census will cover the undead.
THEM: If you do not know your party's extension, please listen to the following options:
Obviously I was meeting the usual stonewalling tactics. As the White House wouldn't fess up, the obvious next source was Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), a leading critic of the 2010 census:
THEM: Thank you for calling Representative Bachmann's office. She is currently either having a psychotic breakdown on Fox News ...
ME: I want to talk to Representative Bachmann about ...
THEM: ... or meeting with constituents in an undisclosed asylum. Please wrap your phone in tinfoil before leaving your message.
To those uninitiated in the wily ways of journalism, this may seem like an undead end. But an experienced reporter would immediately see the clue glowing like the pale eyes set deep in his pale skin, cold yet kind, and I knew in that moment I wanted to be with him, to touch him, to....
Oops. I've been reading Twilight for research.
Anyway, there was a clue in there. If Rep. Bachmann wouldn't go on the record, I knew who would.
THEM: Fox News. We make it up, you believe it. How may I direct your call?
ME: I'd like to talk to Glenn Beck about the undead being counted in the 2010 census.
THEM: Great idea! I'll put you right through.
[Hold music plays.]
BECK: So they're going to count the undead? That's what, vampires?
ME: Maybe zombies too. There's debate over whether zombies are dead or undead.
BECK: Vampires and zombies?
ME: I'm not sure. I couldn't find anything at the census website about it and I'm getting the runaround. I thought you might know.
BECK: This is the first I've heard about this, but I don't have any evidence that it's not true. It will my lead story tonight. I gotta slice more onions. Thanks!
Now facing an undeadline, it was time to redouble my efforts. I emailed the Census Bureau, and even checked the "Priority" box to make sure they'd read it first. And bingo!
THEM: The Census Bureau has no comment.
As any news junkie knows, that's as good as an admission. With that in hand, I could go back to the White House. This time I wouldn't take no for an answer. I spoke the magic words - "I write a blog!" - and they put me right through to A Senior White House Official.
ME: So what's the deal? Are y'all hiding plans to count the undead, or are you going to discriminate against them?
A SENIOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL: That's bidening retarded. I'm gonna climb back into my crypt now. Bye.
As good as confirmation! All that remained was to get a Republican response, because every news story should be balanced.
THEM: Carly Fiorina's office.
ME: I'd like to speak to Ms. Fiorina about her response to a story that the 2010 census may count the undead.
THEM: Sure. Hold on please.
[Campaign ad rather than hold music.]
FIORINA: The Obama census will count vampires and zombies?
ME: The Census Bureau as much as admitted it, and A Senior White House Official as much as confirmed.
FIORINA: I bet they're counting demon sheep too.
So there you have it. The Obama administration are either secretly planning to count vampires and zombies in the 2010 census - and possibly demon sheep also - or they're discriminating. Or maybe they're going to take a sellout "centrist" position: Don't Bite, Don't Tell.
This is outrageous. I want a Special Comment from Keith Olbermann. I want a New Rule from Bill Maher. I want a movie by Michael Moore. I want an alliance with Jane Hamsher and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I want transparency with Rachel Maddow (in an entirely different way).
I want more Change. I spent what I had to buy Cheetos.
+++++
Happy April Fool's Day!