WASHINGTON — Apparently not satisfied with having named his children after himself and having prepared a massive, self-laudatory mausoleum, Illinois Sen. Roland Burris is writing a binding resolution that, if passed, would congratulate him on his "groundbreaking, trailblazing and quintessentially unforgettable and irreplaceable" work in the United States Senate.
Burris, appointed to now-President Barack Obama's Senate seat in December 2008 by then-Gov. Rod Blagojevich, has said he will not run for re-election.
"Because my time in the Senate will be so short," Burris lamented, "I want to make sure nobody forgets me. And with this resolution, no member of the Senate, nor indeed any Senate historian, will forget Senator Roland W. Burris."
Asked how he planned to gather the support needed to pass a resolution praising a man for what will have been a nonelected two-year term in the U.S. Senate, Burris said "I plan to lobby individual members of the Senate and persuade them as to the bipartisan, race-blind wisdom of the spectacularity of my public service, especially as the junior senator from Illinois, but also as a public servant serving my state and working diligently with my constituents and their families."
Reading from a statement, Burris said he expected to introduce the legislation "a few months before I leave office so I can really give senators an opportunity to stand behind the legacy of my noteworthy and distinct career in this august body. I believe that once all of my Senate accomplishments are put before this group of men and women saying goodbye to a fond friend and astute colleague, the final vote on the resolution praising Roland Burris for his keen legal insight and judicious occupancy of the Senate floor will be a testimonial to the totality of the tenacity of my tenure in these turbulent times."
When asked whether he meant personally or nationally turbulent times, Burris said "both."
Numerous senators and their aides agreed to speak candidly, if anonymously, for this article.
One longtime senator said he found it "disgusting and in poor taste" that Burris would write a resolution praising himself for two years in the Senate. "He didn't even get elected, and now we're supposed to use the people's time to praise him for managing to not get impeached? Inexcusable. It would be a singular blemish on my legislative career to vote for that piece of garbage."
A second senator said, "I usually don't comment on legislation I haven't seen, but if this thing is anything like you've described it to be, I'll go much further than merely not voting for it. I'll filibuster it. Nobody should have to vote for this piece of crap -- or the legislation."
A third senator bemoaned that Burris was so inept, he hadn't even figured out how to procure office supplies. "His first day on the job, he asked to borrow my stapler. Come to think of it, he still has it. Give me a minute, let me walk down to his office and get it back." A few minutes later, the senator returned, stapler in hand.
"Here's another example of what a dumbass this guy is. This stapler hasn't got any staples left. Who the hell bothers to keep a stapler with no staples?"
The senator said she didn't ask if Burris knew the stapler was empty, saying that would have "suggested I wanted to discuss something about Roland Burris with Roland Burris, which you learn pretty quickly always leads to him asking if you'd like to donate money to the Roland Burris Memorial Mausoleum Fund. One senator actually started taking up a collection -- and he did pretty well -- to buy a Roland Burris Memorial Used Car Salesman Award for the slimiest, most self-serving, most self-aggrandizing senator.
"The president talks about bipartisanship, and boy was that a bipartisan vote. Some of us voted twice just to make it the first time in Senate history something passed by a margin of more than 100."
"I'd rather raise taxes on the rich, forgo lobbyist money and stop cheating on my wife than vote for a resolution praising that pathetic man," one Republican senator said. "Anyone who talks about himself in the third person had better be a damn funny guy. Bob Dole was a funny guy. He had a sharp wit about him. Roland Burris' wit is duller than a rusty cotton ball."
"Here's an example of how useless Roland Burris is," another Republican senator said. "This is a guy who couldn't get a fair shake on Daily Kos, which is supposed to be liberal heaven. A senator from liberal Illinois -- a black senator, replacing the man who is now president, a black senator with a nontrivial list of accomplishments is seen as so toxic, even on Daily Kos. I've seen Republicans treated better at that place. I know -- they've praised me more than once."
Burris wouldn't comment on the senators' remarks about him, and an aide said the senator wouldn't be available for comment in the near future because he was "busy on legislation of critical importance to our nation."
The aide wouldn't say if that included more work on Burris' self-congratulatory resolution, noting just that "Only a bunch of damn April Fools would believe this well-gathered pile of lies."