I hope these are more or less my own creation. I find them in an old, undated file as I was deleting files (Bush Administration, Iraq, et al) and, to give myself some credit, they aren't too bad.
Which makes me think I may have stolen them from someone else.
Some of the concepts are just reworking old stuff.
If you recognize the more brilliant of these as your own work, please advise.
In the meantime, I'll concoct a whackadoodle meeting on Mount Sinai, except I don't dig Mount Sinai and I've reduced it to a ditch...
It was a bright and windless, most decidedly not stormy, day. That is to say, it was mercilessly sunny and a bit of a breeze would have been bonny.
I was walking along trying to think nice thoughts that day as I spotted someone digging a ditch ahead.
As I got closer, I noticed that he was approaching the task with great vigor and I was sore impressed. I'd have been passed out and experiencing sunstroke had I been at the same task.
And, as I got even closer, I noted that he was very, very hunky. It was art in motion to see that marvelous body bent so strenuously to that tiresome task. It's sort of like admiring the tight buns of a good third baseman as he moves around ready to field.
I continued on my way, trying to rein in the lustful thoughts and to focus on the nice thoughts and I was about to pass him as he hailed me.
"Yo!" he thundered. "You're the One!"
I looked around to see if anyone else was there. There wasn't.
"M-m-m-me?" I quavered.
"Yeah, you." And the way he said it, I could tell that he was kind of disappointed that I was the One.
As I stood, stone struck on the road, not to Damascus but to some other forgotten place, he turned around and leaped up to the further side of the ditch and retrieved an old leather folder and pulled out some papers. He leaped across the ditch in one bound, by Jove! He was physically fit! And as he stood before me, he handed me a couple of sweaty, work-stained pages. I was stunned by his awesome beauty and presence.
"Take these! And, good luck with them!" With that, he imperiously stepped back down into the ditch and continued his work.
I looked back at him as I continued on my way. He gave me not one single look but kept digging that ditch.
And, as I have been more or less commanded, here is what he gave me:
I. Thou shalt take any and all religious pronouncements with a grain of salt.
II. Thou shalt be exceedingly careful about whom and what you bow down to in worship.
III. Thou shalt keep thy prayerful utterances to thyself and contained within your closet.
IV. Do not swear falsely in a court of law.
V. Remember that everyone who works for a living needs a day of rest and holidays.
VI. Try to honor and respect your parents–they might even know what they are doing–and you might be a parent yourself one day and want a little respect.
VII. Killing is nasty and leaves messy bodies to dispose of. Don’t do it. Same for war. Really bad.
VIII. Be discreet about your intimacies. Commitment is not always a bad thing and has much to recommend it.
IX. Make sure you understand what stealing is. One may be obliged to steal if one is starving or dying and there are no other alternatives. Remember that what Enron did to hundreds of thousands of people is stealing. Remember that insider trading is stealing. There are many other ways of stealing than stealing a loaf of bread when one is starving.
X. Don’t gossip about your neighbors–or anyone else–and spread evil rumors. You, especially, Ann Coulter! And others of your ilk!
XI. Sorry, I need Eleven Commandments to cover it all. Don’t waste your time being envious of what other folks have. You probably wouldn’t be happy if you had it any way and you’d still be envious.