Many different approaches have been attempted to stop the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, some of them unconventional: For instance, inchoately shrieking at Barack Obama in semi-coherent blog tirades to "do something" does not appear to have affected the flow rate. As a result of this initial failure, a crack team of bloggineers was assembled to design an anti-Obama rant so potently shrill and mindless it had to be constructed in a complete rational and ethical vacuum. The prototype was then mass-produced, MIRVed, and deployed across the blogosphere in a brilliantly executed operation. However, despite Herculean efforts by the best and the brightest of mankind - people with an opinion, internet access, and malfunctioning amygdalas - somehow it failed to stem the oil flow. But, ladies and gentlemen, things have changed - I believe I have found the solution.
I've thought deeply about how I too could contribute to the Cause, and have wondered what slanders against President Obama would be most effective in resolving an ongoing oil spill, preventing future ones, and reducing the political power of oil corporations. Now, some bloggineers involved in the online containment effort have contended that there is a rich abundance of potentially useful slanders in right-wing blogs, and have appropriated some of them for experimentation.
At first I thought this was brilliant - if one is impatient with the pace of progress, then obviously the best way to deal with that is by going on snarling, paranoid, character assassination bombing runs injected with enough bigotry to melt a lead bowling ball. It worked during the healthcare debate, didn't it? We would never have gotten the public option passed without it - in fact, we were just on the cusp of Obama-slandering our way to victory on that front when he diabolically snatched it away from us by putting Blue Dogs in the Senate. Oh, wait, that was us...but he made us do it! Anyway, it (would have) worked then, so I saw no reason why it couldn't work just as well for this problem.
Of course, I wasn't sure of the exact physics of how apoplectic screaming in tongues at our own advocates in government would translate into the oil well being capped; and I didn't quite see how infantile hysterics would undermine the power of adversaries who are more rational in maintaining it than we are in attacking it; but it seemed like a better idea than, you know, thinking and stuff.
It's not the job of a trained bloggineer to think, examine ideas, or organize actual work - that's for stupid people who don't understand the awesome awesomeness of amygdalarly-challenged blogging: It gives voice to entropy and nihilism, the two great proliferators of internet commentary. Who are we to betray our benefactors with reason and constructive discussion? Better to compete with right-wing bloggers for who can whip up and direct the biggest army of drooling, lobotomized humanoids against the Obama administration.
Anyway, that's when it hit me: Literally. A baseball came flying out of the blue and hit me right on the noggin, and when I woke up I was in a strange, parallel universe where the views expressed above seemed not to qualify as reasonable. In fact, as the laws and principles of this strange new world seeped into my brain, I began to find them rather comical - possibly even, dare I say, worthy of being snarked? I no longer saw "Do something, godd@mmit!" as the kind of inspiringly sentient and incisive remark I had once considered it.
Strange new things started happening in my brain - things I learned to identify as "thoughts" - and they seemed to originate through a dynamic process of information inputs ("facts") and correlations ("reason"). Ultimately, I had an epiphany as to how we can end the corruption of our government by Big Oil and reduce the threat it poses to the environment. Given the passion invested in attacking the pace of action by the Obama administration, this should be a comparative breeze. It's something you can do right now, and it will have an instant, measurable impact. Are you ready? This'll totally blow your mind. Here it is:
Pretty cool, huh? And since it's an "Oilpocalypse" that threatens the foundations of civilization and reveals systemic corruption in our government, clearly a major sacrifice of time and convenience on your part is warranted. Your parents went through the trouble of teaching you to walk, and you probably paid anywhere from $50 to $100 for the shoes you're wearing, so the least you can do is make the most of it. It may add another five hours to your commute, but you'll be one healthy motherfucker after a few weeks, and you'll have measurably decreased the hold of the oil industry on our economy.
Wait, what? That's not the kind of response you're talking about? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought "do something, goddammit!" was a battle cry, but I guess you thought you were ordering a mocha latte at Starbucks. Besides, you're already doing something - all that money you contribute to maintaining the oil industry's hold on our political system is nothing beside the awesome power of your ability to complain and self-aggrandize.
That oughtta teach the bastards at BP! We'll give 'em an Obama-slandering like they've never experienced before. Once more into the breach, dear friends...(sip)...we few...(sip)...we happy few...(sip)...we band of brothers (sluuuurp...sluuuurp). Err, hold on a bit - I'll be back in a few minutes to make my courageous stand against the Oilpocalypse, I just have to drive my Hummer a few hundred feet to the corner 7-11 for another Mega Gulp Pepsi. Don't start the revolution without me!