(Snark. I invented the 54th district. None of this is true.)
Want an answer to the United States' budget deficit?
Call it the Louisiana Refund, Republican congressional candidate Mary McDonald says.
McDonald, running for Congress in California's 54th district, says the government should sell Louisiana, some parts of Alaska and other land the country bought because, she claims, it would help pay down the national debt.
"We sell oil rights, timber rights, precious metal mining rights and other rights to use land," said McDonald, an accountant who is running to represent East Fredonia, Slim Butte and Transylvania County. "So why not actually sell real, physical land rights?
"I'm not saying at all that we should sell the land (in Louisiana) back to France. I don't want France any closer to America than french fries. But if someone in the private sector wanted to buy Louisiana or some snow-covered land in Alaska or whatever, then the government should see that as a business opportunity and take that money and use it to pay our debt off."
Representatives for Govs. Sean Parnell of Alaska and Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, both Republicans, said the notion of selling the land back to France and Russia, respectively, was ridiculous and that the states already were taking advantage of several business opportunities with private companies.
"Ms. McDonald is entitled to her view of fiscal responsibility," a representative for Parnell said, "but we're not selling Alaska back to the Russians. It may have been Seward's Folly, but Alaska makes a significant amount of money from people across this nation and from many other countries who visit it for those so-called 'snow-covered land' -- what this woman is suggesting we just sell outright. That's nuts."
A spokeswoman for Sarah Palin said the former governor of Alaska opposed "any efforts to sell land back to the Russians. You can already see Russia from Alaska, but you shouldn't be able to see it from your front lawn."
One of McDonald's primary rivals, businessman George Easterbrook, called the idea "stupid on its face."
"What we need to do to address this budget crisis is not to sell entire states to anyone with the money. What we need to do is return to fiscal conservatism, to stop spending so much money on these federal, big-government, Democrat Party takeover, Chicago-style politics, tax-and-spend, socialist entitlement programs," he said. "And you know what else? What's to stop the terrorists from giving the money to a front group and invading our soil? We could have al-Qaida in Louisiana, and Ms. McDonald would be all for it."
Democratic frontrunner Peter Seger said he was speechless when he heard about McDonald's plan.
"Are you serious? She wants to sell two states?" he recalled asking. Once he determined that McDonald's assertion was legitimate, he said he "had to laugh."
"You have to give her credit for being a Republican and actually trying to come up with an idea in this recession instead of just saying no to everything or trying to cut taxes, but seriously? This makes that Sue Lowden chickens-for-checkups thing look positively sane. At least people used to do stuff like that. This is just bizarre. Selling a state. What next, president for a day? Renting Air Force One out for parties?"
McDonald's plan also failed to impress some longtime Louisiana residents.
"I live in Louisiana," said Blanche Cartier, 79. "My family's lived in Louisiana for 150 years. This is our land. And this woman wants government to sell my land or for some company to buy it outright or whatever? It's not for sale. That girl is nuttier'n a Stuckey's Log and twice as dumb."
Cartier's neighbor, Clair de la Rue, 83, agreed.
"She wants to do what? Sell Louisiana back? Over my dead body, honey. You ain't selling shit. You want to address the budget problem? How about you raise taxes on stupid people who talk about selling parts of this country? Goddamn! Did she really say something that dumb? Shit, honey. We hear all about how oh, the rich are being taxed too much. Boo fuckin' hoo. It don't mean you got to sell a state, bitch!"
"And especially after her boy Bush messed it all up with Katrina," Cartier added. "Anybody lining up to take a couple square miles of disaster area off our hands?"
"Hell, I got some moldy wood in my husband's truck if this girl got a buyer for it," de la Rue said. "Shit. And she's running for Congress? You know what? I hope she wins. I hope she gets elected just so when she runs her stupid old mouth on C-SPAN, Jon Stewart can tell me all about it. What's next, putting some company's logo on the flag? The Stars and Stripes, brought to you by Burger King? Ads in the Rose Garden? The first annual Sears Christmas Day? The Ford State of the Union address?"
A spokeswoman for McDonald's campaign, Lara Fleece, said the idea had merit and the responses failed to present an alternative to addressing the budget deficit.
"Ms. McDonald is merely suggesting something similar to what is already being done in every state, which is to sell rights to certain resources. This would be no different. It's unfortunate that people who clearly have no interest in California's 54th district would choose to take this opportunity to engage in a national discussion on our fiscal debt and use it to baselessly insult Ms. McDonald or imply that she is worthy of such childish ridicule, let alone on a George Soros-funded website like Daily Kos."