This morning we catch up with our friends the 3B's, aka as Brian, Benjamin and Bryce. For those of you unfamiliar with the 3B's story here at WGLB, we'll rehash a bit before jumping into the exciting new lives they currently find themselves settling into and the exciting new endeavor Brian is diving into to help perspective new parents as they embark on the journey he has navigated so adeptly these past few years. Brian is a good friend, although we've only met/dated once, but he is every bit the Superhero Dad these previous two diaries portray him to be. I'm sure He and the Boys will inspire you if not capture your hearts the way they have mine. The following chapters detailing Brian's journey into single fatherhood were originally posted on the website/community blog ProudParenting. Brian is in the process of setting up his own website where he will continue his work and promote his new foundation- We Hear The Children.
08/09/2007 - 6:09pm
There are only two things I ever wanted to be in this life, a husband and a father. Now, imagine watching men run for the next county when you tell them. To shorten a very long story, I decided to become a father since becoming a husband was proving much more difficult. I was beginning to think I had a better chance at pregnancy. So after a period of interviews and navigation through the complex legal and emotional process I got a call on the day before Thanksgiving 2004, telling me that there was a little boy who was two years old. So begins the saga.
In the initial visit with my son, I witnessed a child who was bright, smiled, yelled, stomped his feet and screamed. It was not that he could not talk, he would not talk. He had his own language, created in his mind to get his needs satisfied as a result of them not being met prior. I was told that he could only say seven words, all in Spanish. I went to a corner on this initial visit and sat there with a book and a stuffed bear and waited. Ever so slowly, he approached me, would touch me and run away and giggle. Eventually, he sat in my lap and looked at me for a while, with his social worker, the foster mother and my adoption worker looking on, he put his hand on my face and said "daddy". This was not one of the words that he knew and it was not in Spanish... so it began.
We finalized the adoption in July of 2005, after paternity leave, teaching him to speak, potty training (I would gladly take any bar exam again to never have to potty train again) where he would sit on the toilet and sing and practice his words when he thought I was out of ear shot. I sat around the corner from the bathroom and cried as I listened to his words, imagination and person come alive. Now, we are deep in the threes and he talks constantly, questions everything and wakes each morning with "Love you Daddy" and leaves me each night with what we call a "forever" hug, as he knows I will be his daddy forever. Every night my son picks a book to read, recently he asked for a book with a mommy in it. You are never quite prepared to answer certain questions and despite all my best efforts to be as prepared as possible to counter the mind of a toddler, I am inevitably stumped at times.
We found a book with a mommy in it and climbed into his big boy bed to read. Once in bed, he asked me if he would have a mommy (the lump in my throat and holding back tears) I started that there are families out there who have mommies, daddies, and all various combinations but a family is about all the people who love you. My son started to recite all of the people who are in and who touch both his and my life... the list is rather long but I let him go on. He finished with "all people", "yes, all people" I said, "Love me" he said, "My family" he stated. I held my son against my chest and he gave me a forever hug, I cried as I heard "love you daddy".
I am sure this is not the last time I will be asked about this issue, but never did I think I would be asked about it at three. Knowing my son, had I not satisfied his need for an answer he would have pressed me for a better answer. However, in his mind his family is all the people who love him. There is much to be learned from children, I learn daily and for that I am thankful.
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08/09/2007 - 6:12pm
Ok, I am crazy. I am in the process of adopting another son. Adopting Benjamin was about me and wanting to be a father. Adopting his brother is about wanting him to have a family and a sibling. So at this juncture I am immersed in the process again and riding the roller coaster associated with expecting another child. Home construction, home-studies, a second car, interviewing au pairs, new schools, and the list is endless but at least I have learned some things to make this time easier.
Sometimes I think this parenting thing is more creative thought than anything else and you will do things that you never thought you would and say certain things you "VOWED" you would never say. I remember calling my mother feeling like a complete hypocrite after my son learned the word "WHY". The incessant questioning led daddy to a need for a martini and a call to mom. "I said it" were my first words to her... she laughed. He kept asking me "why" and finally, it came... "Because I said so that’s why."
I also vowed I would never lie or deceive my son, until we hit the monster nightmare phase of toddler hood. You might be amazed to know that statistically nightmares take place between the hours of 3 and 6 a.m. My son was a virtual statistical prodigy. Imagine being awoken at 4 a.m. for a period of 3 weeks while your child SCREAMS that there are monsters in the room. I bought a book. The books say this is a direct result of a 3 year old imagination turning on and the internal struggle that results from the need to separate from the parent and conflict as a result of still needing their parent. The book stinks, I wanted to club the author with the book or at the very least make her sleep here for a month. Despite all the consoling in the world and the fact that there were no monsters; I get from him, Elmo? "Elmo is a good monster", I replied "good people and bad people" he stated, I was beginning to follow his logic in my sleep deprived state.
I guess I was teaching him something.
I told him we were going to the magic store (Wal-Mart), so he could pick out a magic light (nightlight of his choosing). We got one that "magically" comes on when it gets dark. I told him that the magic light would keep monsters away. This worked for 3 nights, now we have bigger monsters. So, I created the story of Monk. My grandmother had a statue of a monk that was a family heirloom, one night I took monk and told Ben the story of Monk and how only little boys could talk to him but only Daddy could hear him. I told him that every night he needed to say good night to Monk and to say "keep me safe". He does this nightly and magically we are getting some sleep, never say never.
Toddlers are also neurotic, once they learn certain words you never seem to get them off them. From the time my son learned BOO-BOO and ITCHY, I think I have gone through more tubes of aquaphor than any man on the planet. However, taken in the time frame of nightmares a simple itch can lead to an hour of wrangling and arguing with a toddler who has developed a psychosomatic illness that is bound to put daddy in the booby hatch. The best plan is a counter attack. On one particular evening, my son developed an incurable itch which prevented him from going to sleep. No amount of cream solved the issue... UGH! The kid was like a greased pig at a county fair, I was afraid to pick him up for fear I would drop him. None the less, the itch would not abate, neither would the clinging and crying all to avoid the inevitable bedtime. So, I reached into the parental bag of tricks. I lied.
Did you know when you become a daddy you get a magic pair of socks? They have to be red, (who would wear red sox anyway, they do not match any of his clothes, what can I say I am still gay after all) So, I told him they were magic red sox. When daddy puts the magic red sox on before bed, they will work all night long to cure any ill, and in the morning you will be all better. Every time we put them on the tears subside and in the morning I get, a hug and am told we are all better. I want my own pair.
My house has been under construction in preparation for the new arrival. I am thankful it is almost done. I am staring at the wall in my kitchen which contains the 40th birthday present I got for myself. Every one wanted to throw a pity party when I turned 40, I felt as though I was just hitting my stride. I have a favorite artist, Donna Estabrooks, in whose paintings I always took comfort and a message. There are three things I had her paint.
First, a painting about Ben, who has always been my wish; If you ask him who he is he will tell you his name and add I am "daddy’s wish". Second, I had her paint one about his brother, to be named Bryce, who is my dream. I never could have dreamt the joy I get from being a father and his name came to me in a dream. Bryce means son of a noble man. Third, I had her paint my hope, that someday I will find another to share in all of this. The paintings are individual, so I can give each child their painting at a special time in their life to know how special they are. However, I shall never give up hope. The three paintings fit together and shall always remain interconnected and committed to one another, like family, each having a separate unique value when removed from the whole.
So are my ramblings as my son tells me his pasta is not cooked correctly (My next entry will be how to tell that a child was raised by a gay man, for instance at 4 they only want pasta al dente, know about art and sculpture and have traveled a bit to name a few things) In the interim, I wait for my new son and enjoy the adventures in parenting.
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02/11/2008 - 6:50am
Ok, so I am getting to the point where this is almost becoming a monthly occurrence to get something posted. As life is speeding along at a rapid pace; I feel like I am paddling as fast as I can. However, is it ever fast enough?
The January Blues- January was the supposed month that we would be done with Bryce’s adoption, on the 7th. Once again another snag in this quagmire we are in as I struggle to get out of it. We proceed to court on the 11th of this month to a full trial and I am hopeful we will prevail with no issues. Frankly, I am just plain tired and I need this to be over and done with and close the door on this part. I did learn from Benjamin’s adoption that no matter what, you do not relax until you walk out the door after the gavel comes down and you take back your life and settle into a routine of no social workers, watchers, court dates, parents who pop up and then disappear into the night again. I will just be thankful when it is over. I have made it this far now if I can hang in there until the end of March... I can schedule a nervous break down then!
January was also the month of personal roller coasters. Business travel used to be fun, now it is not fun it is EXPENSIVE. I recently had to travel to Toronto to deliver a training program that was developed. I was so excited to go, until I was running around the night before with sick kids, packing like a maniac and writing notes. The usual cool calm collected dad was a disaster in the making. I had to juggle day care, after care, cold care, limos, Boss care, making sure all the materials got there. The benefit of flying without kids is that you can sleep on the flight and then there is room service, there is no fight for the remote control and you are not subjected to Sponge Bob. I actually got to sleep by myself until 6:30 one morning. I was almost late for breakfast with my boss and other colleagues but it was worth it. Whatever rest I got was quickly over as soon as I walked in the door and again tried to jump on the raft that is my life, rushing
along this uncharted river of intentional fatherhood.
The kids are doing fine. I had a parent teacher meeting about Ben, he continues to progress and excel in school. However, he had the unfortunate incident of running into his first bigot in kindergarten. Man kids are mean. This little girl Julia, told Ben that he had a mommy and a daddy and they did not want him so they gave him away that is why he is adopted. Needless to say my heart broke hearing that and thankfully it was repairable as I had always prepared for this despite not thinking it was going to be from some little brat whose parents ought to teach their kid kindness. Ben is fine, albeit acting out a bit. However he is five and he knows everything.
Bryce turns 2 in a week and he is coming along fine. He is much happier as he really begins to learn to talk and express himself. Today is the trial date and I could not sleep well. I just want it to be over. I would love to be in the courtroom to see what transpires and know what is happening. I am hopeful that his bio mom is still on the run to try to avoid the multiple warrants out for her arrest. Bryce is safe and happy and I just want closure today. Despite the fact that there is a period for appellate review, I just want it over as I know the likelihood of it going up on appeal is almost impossible. However, it is always there and until it passes and we are able to go into court and have this adjudicated, I keep paddling.
How am I doing? I am paddling. I have actually been dating. I did meet a man who has all the qualities I could want in a companion and boyfriend. He manages to deal well with the kids and places them first. He managed to survive a weekend of sick kids, sick dogs and did not run for the hills. I really care for him... he has been gone for three weeks and returns home this evening. I can tell through the phone and e mail exchanges that something has changed. I think perhaps the phenomena I call "Merry-Go-Round" has set in. What I mean by that is that there are men who want children (or at least they think so) and they want to buy a ticket to try. The reality is that the ride is fun for a while and then there is the desire to get off. What they do not realize is that those of us who bought a lifetime pass, jump on and off and back on again repeatedly. It is not bad, it is what I have chosen and I have learned to get off and return to the ride and
jump right back on. The simple fact is that as an intentional father you must return to the ride. As a ticket holder, you have the choice to not return as you weigh all you will give up if you were to stay. Something tells me that the price of a lifetime ticket may be to much for him. Now I may be surprised, but I will have to wait and see if the allure of "Gay Life" is greater, for most it is. I can not change that and I will go on, like I always do. However, it was nice to have a taste of what could be and in the end be satisfied if that taste is all there is, as a steady diet of instability is not in my best interest or that of the kids.
Well, that is it. It is almost 6 a.m. and the merry go round is about to start this morning. I have bus duty today and have to get the kids off and myself ready for work. In the interim I thank god my kids are alright and the river is calm for the most part right now, and the laundry is done!
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11/29/2008 - 5:52pm
It has been a wild ride since I last wrote anything substantive. The boys are upstairs watching a movie and I am in the living room trying to think all of what is running through my mind as I am cooking a turkey. We were at my parents for Thanksgiving but I cannot live without leftovers and soup and Turkey pot pies so the boys and I are having our own dinner today. So, we finalized Bryce’s adoption in May and that was all said and done. I launched into the summer with 2 kids and new central air conditioning. Well the installers screwed up the installation and as a result that unbeknownst to us there was Mold growing and proliferating through the house.
We were all pretty sick through May, June but we had no idea why. My mother’s health continued to deteriorate and still does to present. The kids lost their Nano (another grandfather from my "Chosen" family and were hit pretty hard with that. All I have been able to do is navigate water with them that is uncharted. However, the preparation was worth it and they are doing ok with it and appear to be doing ok with my mother’s continued state of decline. This holiday led her to the ICU and her checking out against medical orders to be with the kids. It is her life and she needs to choose to live it how she sees fit and all I can do is be a support to her and transition my kids through it. The mold situation continued to escalate and when we returned home from our July vacation we closed up the house and switched on the central air. Little did we know that we were living in a toxic environment cause by the negligence of others.
We all became ill. Ben with terrible persistent nose bleeds Bryce and I with upper respiratory issues accompanied by rashes, conjunctivitis and breathing issues. It was not until the 28th of July that I discovered the mold. After consultation with specialists and others, I packed up the kids and left my home not knowing if I would or when we would return. We left first for Wisconsin for a family fishing holiday. It was spectacular. We enjoyed the time together and we all healed. We were all better within hours of leaving the house. This proved we could not come home. Upon our return we moved in with the wonderful man I was dating and proceeded to try to normalize life. It was great for the kids but most assuredly a disaster for our relationship. I discovered my true parental instinct and was running constantly to keep the boys in their normal routine. I poured my life savings into this house and sit on the brink of financial disaster but we made it
home in October.
The house not completely ready and torn apart, we lived absent heat and furniture. However, the boys were happy. I was just anxious, waiting for the next bomb to drop. The economic situation did not help with mass layoffs at my company and more to come. All the while my only focus is and was the kids. Like a bear I am, ensuring their safety to my own detriment and their happiness is paramount. I discovered that my life is complete with those kids and that you realize what you are made of when you are in hot water (attribution to Eleanor Roosevelt).
I realized that a home is filled with more than furnishings and other things. Despite the tears over lost stuffed animals and other things we have returned to a tonic state. Despite repeated trips to Children’s Hospital in Boston and scary moments like the thought there was a cardiac effect on Bryce as a result of the mold and the creeping doubt about if you are doing the right thing, parental instinct is an amazing thing. Remarkably, we are all fine, the house is getting somewhat restored and I have learned that even if I do have to throw out all the old (which I basically did) I can begin a new and my kids will be fine as long as I am fine, or at least never let them see you sweat!!!
Ben is now almost half done with first grade and he is a remarkable and loving little boy and I am very proud of him as a person. I respect my son. Bryce is growing in leaps and bounds on a daily basis and his personality has emerged in full force along with all of the things about a three year old that makes me cry for a martini and a night off. Christmas is fast approaching and so is the new year which I hope is better than this one, but this is the year that I became a dad again so that far outweighs all the tragedy that befell us.
I also know I can make it through, alone if necessary and the boys and I will be fine. I would rather not proceed that way but as much as I strive for balance there are times that there is no balance and life is weighted totally to the children and that is the way it is... so someone out there has to understand that what few precious moments we get alone as parents, whoever we share those precious moments with should or has to realize just how special those moments are.
As we were wrapping up this first installment of the 3B's story, Brian got sidetracked by a serious and life altering event, the ramifications of which are still playing out both in their home lives and in the courts. Literally within hours of my putting the finishing touches on this first installment of the 3B's diary I received word from Brian, that he was rushing the boys to the hospital, with a new bout of very serious, mold related illness. So what had started as an inspirational story with a happy ending had suddenly been turned upside down...
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02/02/2009 - 12:14pm
So I find myself with a few minutes between conference calls and the like, while Bryce is working with his teacher, to gather my thoughts and continue writing about this journey. I am calling it a journey as the ground is too uncertain right now to call it anything else and we just keep moving it along.
The boys are doing well. Bryce is almost 3, his birthday is in a few weeks, and we are having a family party for him. He is FINALLY getting potty trained and I can actually see an end to diapers. I will be so happy for that moment when I can be done with that portion. We finally got all the kids clothes back into the house only to find out that almost everything in the bags was too small. I moved out of the house in July and took little with me and just bought as well went along and continued to wear what we had.... Well in 6 months the boys are HUGE. Bryce skipped along and went right to 4 t and Ben is now in 6/7 as he is so tall. He is as skinny as a rail again as he has been going through growth spurts. All my boys do is eat...last night they each managed to shell and consume 2 bowls of pasta and 2 POUNDS of mussels each! It is pretty funny actually. They are happy healthy boys whose imaginations and vocabulary grow daily.
I survived Ben’s surgery. I say I as it was probably the most terrifying thing I have ever been through. I have had open heart surgery but to go through it with your child is probably the most terrifying thing that a parent could do. There are very few times that I loathe being a single parent but this was one of them. No one prepares you for certain things in parenting and you just deal with them when you get there, like when you hold your son down while he screams into a gas mask as he is being put out. I will never forget that. I must have hit the door to the OR at 100 miles per hour and broke into tears the minute I was out of there. But, there was no one there to console me. It is a moment like that where one realizes the bravery it takes to do this and that there are many ways to test a person’s strength, single parenting being one of them. Ben made it through it fine. I was traumatized for about 2 weeks after however. All because of the negligence of others and the failure of a huge bonus paying company to live up to what I pay them for, protection.
Well, my first children’s book is back from the artist. It is beautiful and the testing with folks have been positive. I am hoping to find someplace to get it published. Any Ideas? Work is horrible and layoffs are a weekly occurrence at this point. The environment is toxic and I do all I can to shield myself from it. The lawsuits against the insurance companies are progressing at a snail’s pace and I now know why everyone jokes about lawyers. It seems all is in slow motion. So, we trudge along. Additionally, I am tired of winter. My lord, I am such a whiner at this point....LOL!
My mother is having surgery this month and Bryce will turn three. I am hopeful for her but not overly confident at her ability to make it through the surgery and the recuperative period. Think she is just tired and wants to go. I am taking 7 kids for Japanese food on Valentine’s Day as I am giving that as a gift to 4 close friends of mine. I have had my kids out for "Food Adventures" since they were little and I am doing the same with my friends Children. Ben picked the restaurant... LOL, he wants Sushi! We went for Indian food the other night and it was a riot. The waitress was stumped as to how to deal with my little eaters and as to where their mother was. She said to Ben, so where is your mama....to which he replied..."Not everyone has a mom, ya know!"....He was rude and she was presumptuous so I called it even and chuckled as we left. He knows how to stand up for himself.
Oh well, here is to another day and the kids being alright! May your days be filled with "peace of love" and your children happy and healthy! Lastly, may you remain sane during the rest of the winter!
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03/02/2009 - 5:02pm
So I used to think that there were 2 things in a little boy’s arsenal that could leave you swearing in the middle of the night after you stepped on it, a matchbox and a Lego. Well, there are new dangers from a toy, seemingly smooth, round and innocent; a Bahukgan. Well that is until you find out that during your 3 A.M. trips to the bathroom that these little jewels, with their little weapons, lie open on the bathroom floor, complete with their little spears and you step down on one and draw a pint of blood and more than a few choice words from me. So, I am up earlier than normal and with the little time I have had, I thought I would catch up on the past month and what has been going on.
The kids are great and growing in leaps and bounds. Bryce is completely conversant and also just as obstinate as ever. He is the cutest little shit on the planet. We celebrated his third birthday with friends and chosen family. His brother hosted the party. I thought by putting each brother in charge of hosting the party it would give them a sense of ownership and then I could reward the host with a gift to avoid the inevitable (sniff....I did not get a present) that way it always give them the responsibility of taking care of each other’s birthday.
I used to think Bryce would never talk, now I have 2 magpies who do not shut up. Benjamin the questioner, he is like living the Socratic method of law school on a daily basis. Bryce is the statement maker...only when he is done making an assessment does it spill out and then there is no changing his mind. They are both leaders in this family and on this planet and for that I am both cursed and thankful.
Speaking of Birthday’s mine was yesterday and passed virtually unnoticed by all. The day before I was bitchy and morose. That was more due to the fact that I got hit with the flu so bad that I had been delirious the day before. My best friends came and took the kids for an overnight as I was too sick to care for my own kids. That was a first; it made me think I need a better disaster plan... but then again there is only so much one super hero single dad can plan for. I will add it to my list of what to do when locusts descend, and the rivers turn to blood. My birthday began with my mother having a heart attack at rehab and me throwing the kids at neighbors while I flew up there to see what was going on and facilitate a transfer to a local hospital.
I spent most of the month of February with my mother in surgery or out of it in a state of constant pain and bad news just kept coming. I feel horrible for her but the basic fact is that she is in a death and dying process and she needs to attend to it. The rest of my family as usual are on the vacation property we have in Egypt along the river (de-nile) and playing the camel game, with their heads buried in the sand. No amount of reality seems to shake them from this constant state of being. I can say that my kids are at least prepared and are doing well and despite the fact I struggled with how to embark on the venture of explanation as it pertains to death and dying, they are both doing well and I think that has a lot to do with being raised in a spiritual way...OK so the leftist, gay radical dad who fought religion all his life takes comfort in it now as well as community!
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03/29/2009 - 5:58am
Well it is approaching April and we headed to the Beach House last night. The sleepy New England beach town is still covered in snow and the yard I thought I would be able to get cleaned up is far from awake. The boys slept longer than usual as did I. I always sleep better up here with the ocean air less than 2 blocks away.
My mother’s health albeit abysmal, has stabilized and I am slowly returning to what I consider to be a normal life absent constant upset. I feel as though I have been doing a lot of cleaning up, both literally and figuratively. I let go of some useless relationships and made a decision that to pare down my life was in order. In furtherance of the events of last year, I guess I keep throwing things out so that they do not "Mold" in my life, relationships, fears, papers, old outdated notions and things that tie me back. I feel that it is a positive time in my life despite the constant letting go.
However, I also feel that it is a time of amalgamation. I was recently going through my strong box as I continued to consolidate and protect things and get rid of things with little to no significance. In the box were lots of pieces of jewelry that I had accumulated over the years. Some of them were parts of my past, others a part of a loved person that had become an angel to watch over me. Through the years I had given some pieces of jewelry to "chosen" family as they had become part of my present (Besides, I am not the type to wear it and drag is, was, and always will be out of the question for me... I would look like Mrs. Doubtfire).
I looked over all of it and realized that unbeknown to me I have all of our birth stones and the stones signifying destiny and eternal love, a diamond. So I bagged up all the stuff and took it to a favorite jeweler that I had admired for years. I explained that I wanted to create a family ring out of my past and reminding me of my present and the hope I have for my future. OK, so I gave myself a birthday present. The rendering is awesome and is being crafted now. So from the old, I convert useless into useful, the gay version of recycling.
I took the day off yesterday to complete an entire page of errands that I have not been able to get to or I did not want to take the kids to. For instance imagine sitting at the DMV with your kids... NO WAY! I need a drink by the time I get done there, never mind if I had the kids with me. After a day there, having inspections done on both cars, sitting in waiting rooms, I then went onto shopping. I went to get the kids new bikes and ended up getting myself one as well... so with 3 bikes a new bike rack and the mini-van, I trod into the realization that I had become what the Christian Right Wing fears most and that, I was about to lose my membership card to the purple mafia!
I also bought Ben a piano (an inexpensive, electronic one) as he is a piano prodigy, and got Bryce signed up for T-Ball and got him the stuff he needed for that... and then resigned myself to having no weekends until July! Oh well, it is worth it, but I realized that they are growing up fast and yes perish the thought, I would like another baby! Someone save me from myself. Ok, the boys are hungry (so what else is new) and want to head out to breakfast, so , off we go into the last part of March and hopefully April will just bring flowers as I am so over this winter stuff!
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That brings us up to the latest installment of Catching up with The 3B's.------>
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05/06/2009 - 1:39pm
I feel as though this year is a race to the finish line as we approach the end of the second quarter of the year and the summer is upon us despite the incessant clouds and the persistent rain. Life has entered a little bit of a lull, until the craziness of the summer starts and me feeling as I am not sure I know where everyone is during the day, but the weather I will take. So, let us see...where to begin?
Horseradish- Ben is growing and there are days that I look at him and wonder where my baby went, my first son. He is growing in every way and I am challenged to keep up with him. He is his own person and definitely has his own ideas about things. He is an amazing big brother, thoughtful and at the same time is the world’s biggest pain in the ass. I was stopped for speeding so he is going to help me by telling me what the speed limit as he reads it from EVERY SIGN! I am about to loose my mind and I need to stop teaching him the rules of the road...as I am reminded every time I break one! I know I wrote about the minivan and then end of my life....what is worse is that he can see the speedometer. UGH, I do love the fact I can actually have a conversation with him, he wants to hear the news and understand the world and is not afraid to speak up about what is right, even if it is ONLY right in his mind, which happens a lot.
Anyway, Ben was being particularly evil on Sunday, I had given it my all in the punishment department, and I was LOOSING. Finally, exasperated, I lay down on the couch and sent him to his room. I told him I was out of ideas and he needed to go up stairs and no come down until he could tell me the rules he broke (we only have 3) and what should be done as "consequences". Therefore, he heads upstairs and is down very quickly....HMMMMM, this should be good I think to myself. He sits down with his dramatic little politico self and says..."Ya know dad.....I broke rule 1 (do it/listen rule) and rule 3 ( naughty rule, NO kicking, biting, hitting, punching, swearing, name calling, flesh twisting, hair pulling....you get the idea)." "So, I am going to eat horseradish"....I almost died!
The back-story to this is that his (Mitchell's) mom and dad tell his friend Mitchell that he would have to eat horseradish if he gets mouthy. Mitchell somehow got near horseradish and had such a reaction that his mom and dad added it to the parental bag of tricks. Well, all they have to do it threaten Mitchell with it and he backs down. He must have shared this with Ben...who LOVES to eat....probably thinking HOW BAD CAN THAT BE?
Well, I love horseradish and being of Polish descent, I always have it. Therefore, I asked him if he was sure and he said yes dad! He strutted over to the table with a "Bring it on" walk and a shot eating grin and sat in his seat, adjusted his placemat and waited. I got the jar and a t-spoon out of the drawer....took some out and walked over to him. as he said, "I’m ready" and opened his mouth like a Baby bird. I stuck the spoon in his mouth, he closed his mouth, and then the reaction started. You would have thought his head was on fire, the look of shock and dismay. I did everything I could not to laugh! Finally, he asked if he could spit it out and I agreed only after making him promise he was going to behave. Worked like a charm and now all I have to do is say Horseradish and all is calm again!
Bryce is the complete three year old....moody...tyrannical and all the while he is FUNNY! Most of the time I am stuck with the invisible leash as he moves to break away from Daddy but remains close; he is fine and doing well. There is not much news to report on him other than he drives me crazy and I cannot wait for him to be a little older. He strives for independence yet still wants me to do for him. He is hysterical and as funny as Ben is Bryce is just a comic. I am sure that will come back to bite me later but he is funny. He is playing T ball, which is just organized chaos with sticks and hurling objects. I stand there on Saturday mornings and watch, as Ben has become the base coach! It is hysterical to watch, but I see the love between my kids and the encouragement that they give one another in their individual choices. They could not be more different yes, they have core values that I am very proud of and they are family.
Speaking of family, mine is as nutty as ever. So, the remainder of fun things in snippet form. We are getting ready for beach season as the house opens up and the beach weather begins. I am wondering when that will be as the rain has put a damper on things. Ben is having his birthday party and I bought an outdoor gym set which cost more than my first car! OMG, who knew? I did get my new ring and I love it, the kids know which stone is theirs and can tell the story of the magic ring that holds dreams and wishes to anyone, they feel like telling it to.
I am employed for the moment; I will keep you posted on that one. On the dating front, there is no one right now that I have met. I have been talking to a great person so we shall see and go from there. I get my "daddy" award on the 17th, and I do not have a thing to wear!
To all of you I hope you are well and that your family is happy, healthy and filled with peace of love.
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07/12/2009 - 6:28am
Well we are fast approaching the middle for July and it is almost as if I can see the summer slipping by. The field behind the house was hayed yesterday. The process began in the early morning with the hay being cut, laid to dry in the sun, was tetted and then raked and baled by sundown. It is just before sun up the following morning and a gentle rain is falling on the field and I can now clearly see where the corn has been planted for silage for the fall.
Since the last entry, we enjoyed Ben’s birthday party as 20 kids came here and planted for his garden party.....I can say that not much came up but in the way of fun they had a ball and learned a bit about planting and where food comes from. I look at the garden space and see the haphazard manner in which it was planted and smile at the memory of the kids digging finding dirt and works and artifacts like keys and old nails from what was once here before.
I was actually called for jury duty and worse yet, had to sit on a 7 day jury trial. It was like watching my professional life played out before me, so I suppose there was some lesson in that. However, as a result of that, I had to hurry to prepare the house in Maine for rental and in building a deck by myself, I hurt my back in a way I did not think possible. The acupuncturist has helped above all and despite being a bit in pain I can at least walk and stand. Symbolically, he tells me it is an injury about being unsupported or the feelings associated with that.
I am not sure I feel that way, I suppose there is a truth in it as I struggle along the road of single parenthood with two growing boys. However, I do feel the ache of my soul subsiding as it pertains to the desire to share all of this life with another. I dropped off websites and have all but stopped dating as I am not sure there is a person who is out there and until that time when he arrives on the scene.
I have discovered that dating divorced men is no easier. For the most part they are weekend fathers and then weekend warriors. As much as I need a break from my role as Dad, I would not relinquish it. So while I have stopped actively searching I carry on with the 2 b’s as they have been come to be known as.
We were on vacation up in Maine and my house becomes the center of the neighborhood when we are there and the boys engage with all their summer friends. It is what I always wanted for my kids and I love it. I do not think there was a meal in a week where there was not at least 2 extra faces at the table. On one rainy day the kids were playing and I heard one little girl ask Ben where his mom was. Ben without missing a beat said he had a mom that could not take care of him and the angels brought him to dad. He continued and said someday he might have another dad but daddy had not met the right person yet. It was good to hear and an affirmation to me that he understood, the best part was that the little girl said "cool" and they continued to play. Kids are not born mean they are taught to be mean.
The boys are good, all boy...growing...eating and are brothers, one minute they fight like hell and the next they are laughing at one another. We are struggling with the last bit of control over potty training and diapers are almost gone. Sadly, naptime is becoming a thing of the past but Bryce will actually go and take a nap if he is tired. Now that I can see the corn in the field I know that summer will continue and soon we will be in fall. I am hoping to remodel the beach-house this fall as it needs some updating and I want to create a little more Zen and a little less cottage.
The family struggles on with my mother’s health and she is destined for a quadruple bypass on Monday but she is in a place of peach this time with it. I am not sure how that bodes, but at least I can say with an open heart the boys are prepared and I am ready to let go if the time comes. Between that and the drama surrounding the children of Michael Jackson, I managed to update my will and the trust for the kids. A piece of free legal advice if you have children and have not done that DO IT, don’t leave your kids future hanging without direction and absent you. If you are unsure ask me and I will help you find someone to assist you, it is really a necessity. Oh well, enough of that. To each of you, remember perseverance, faith and love will get you through...and a margarita once in a while can not hurt!
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04/14/2010 - 7:18pm
So, I just finally logged into my blog to see how much time has slipped by since the last entry and I realize it is coming up on a year. I am amazed to mark the time and wonder how I have survived. The kids are playing out back and laughing and happy. I am trying to convey all that has happened to our family since the last entry in July of 2009, as the true nightmare began not long after that and it is just now that I feel like I can breathe. So, in my usual format I will take you through our journey and bring you up to date in snippet form.
August 2009- As I had written previously, our house in Massachusetts got black mold as a result of the negligent installation of central air conditioning. This caused us to be homeless; me to file bankruptcy and ultimately after a period in August 2009 right after my last post we all became very ill again. We left the house and headed to my parents as I needed help as we all had contracted pneumonia and Ben was reacting to the toxins caused by the mold. While at my parents, I had to rush Ben to the ER in the middle of the night. While he was being treated I was consulting with the Pediatric Toxicology unit at Children’s Hospital in Boston. The doctor I was working with made a statement that confirmed what I needed to do, abandon the house in Massachusetts, the remaining things there and move the kids to Maine where they would be healthy and safe. I left my parents the next day and went straight to Maine.
From August to December 2009, I tried to keep the kids as stable as possible. I commuted over 1500 miles per week to keep the kids in school and get to the new job I had taken in the beginning of July. I was exhausted and struggled to keep up appearances. The kids were doing fine, I was not! Chest pain, anxiety, leaving my entire network of friends and family, I was really on my own. Finally, I decided to transition the kids to school up here. I gave up Ben’s seat in the Montessori Charter and prepared to enroll him in public school here. He is still having trouble in school, but it is related to the transition not the school. However, things are not as diverse up here and I have had to intervene on a number of occasions. Bryce is doing well. They are both happy and healthy and could not be better. Looking at them the transition was easier than I thought, to them we just moved to another one of our houses.
For me it was hell. My new job was not as receptive to a single working father as they promised they would be. Well actually, my direct manager was but the Senior Vice President was not. After a scathing e mail at 7 p.m. on a Friday night indicating how disappointed (angered) she was that I was not in the office....I knew the saga would not be pretty. I confronted her on the e mail and was told to find another job. In the time since then I have been told to choose between my job and my family, written up for my misuse of comma’s and told to not discuss, or come out to my colleagues, as some found it uncomfortable given I was a single gay father. Thus, the handwriting is on the wall with that.
We are now in April, have survived the winter, a renovation to take a cottage to a home and for me many sleepless nights trying to get it all done. For the time being I am working remote from here and balancing the kids, career and karate for them am finally seeing some light, but as usual, as long as the kids are OK.....I am ok. Hope you are all doing well and I do have some other news to share but now it is time to start the bedtime routine.
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05/25/2010 - 9:28pm
I started writing here what seems long ago and as life has changed and moved it is time for me to move this ongoing diary as well. With one book out, The Greatest Wish, another, The Intentional Father, due in August and a newly launched Charity, We Hear The Children, I am moving my ongoing diary to that site. In the continuation to reach out to people who desire to become parents and to assist them in any way that I can. I have been consistently touch by the comments and e mails I have gotten from around the world for you all and hope that as life changes, my kids grow and I venture into new things you will take the time to follow our growth as a family.
So as the dust settles on all of this and I look back at all that has transpired, what has been lost and notions that have been thrown out as well I can only take heart in the advice I was given by my sons. We had our first grill out a few nights ago, and we went to the store to get some things for BBQ season. Ben got some mustard and Bryce relish. As we were eating the boys were trying the condiments....Ben went on to state that he likes relish, despite the fact he did not like it before. Conversely, Bryce now likes mustard, when I asked the kids about what they thought changed Ben answered, "Dad, it is like life...things just change and change is good", Bryce agreed. Now, coming from two little boys who started life in both hostile and unforgiving environments, whose lives were forever changed on many levels, this made the father in me proud. I guess this was one of the times I could feel like a success and no amount of money, real estate, possessions or material wealth could replace that reward. They had made it through, guided by me and we were truly a family unit. I had become the father I always intended to be.
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A look back-with an eye to the future-
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As I sit to write this it is almost a decade after I began my journey into fatherhood. I can say that the beginning portion of it was haphazard and unintentional, at least to my conscious mind. However, not to recap every decision I made or turn I took, I can see that I was on a course toward where I am today.
It is amazing to think of how much has changed in this post Will and Grace world. I still think that show did more to shape the view into gay life than any other. It is now that I can marry and I have children. In fact there are few states where I would be prohibited from becoming a father. If you live in one of those states, move out or work toward change. In the first few years of being a father, I heard over and over again of those who gave up the dream of becoming a parent. This lament came from men, women, those who are both gay and straight and folks from every walk of life. What I came to realize is that as much of a radical departure I had made from the so called "Gay Lifestyle" (whatever the hell that is), I had moved in a direction that has less to do about sexuality and more to do with evolving as a person.
While I am not a scientist, I do feel there is an innate ability and desire in all of us to want to parent and nurture, to leave a legacy of love and in some way become immortal through our children. As usual, perhaps I am romanticizing all of this, but what the hell, it is my reality after all. The question for you to answer is what is yours? My reality has been less than easy to date but I would not trade a moment of it, well some of it I could do without.
I could do without, loosing a home to black mold, all of the furnishing, clothes, and having to move to another state. I could do without all of the health issues that the kids and I went through as a result of insurance companies greed. I could do without having to hold Ben down in the operating room as they put him under to cauterize his nose to stop him from bleeding as a result of his reaction to the mold. I could do without all the nights I spent up, crying wondering if I was going to make it through all of the mess that was going on. I could do without working in an environment where the almighty dollar comes before both family and spirit. I could do without the months I lost driving 1300 miles a week to work and the endless hours in the car with constant anxiety. I could do without the scar of bankruptcy on my credit history as a result of having sunk all the available cash I had into trying to save a home. I could do without all of that, but never could I do with out my kids.
I have come to feel the instinct to protect our young is perhaps as strong as our instinct to breathe. I can not imagine doing the things I did if I had not been a father and needed to protect my kids. One of the first pieces of advice I got from my mother regarding being a parent is that you will more often feel like a failure rather than a success. While that is true and the doubts about whether you did the right thing and if your kids are ok will be there regardless of the circumstances. Kids are resilient, a fact and the truth.
So as the dust settles on all of this and I look back at all that has transpired, what has been lost and notions that have been thrown out as well I can only take heart in the advice I was given by my sons. We had our first grill out a few nights ago, and we went to the store to get some things for BBQ season. Ben got some mustard and Bryce relish. As we were eating the boys were trying the condiments... Ben went on to state that he likes relish, despite the fact he did not like it before. Conversely, Bryce now likes mustard, when I asked the kids about what they thought changed Ben answered, "Dad, it is like life... things just change and change is good", Bryce agreed. Now, coming from two little boys who started life in both hostile and unforgiving environments, whose lives were forever changed on many levels, this made the father in me proud. I guess this was one of the times I could feel like a success and no amount of money, real estate, possessions or material wealth could replace that reward. They had made it through, guided by me and we were truly a family unit. I had become the father I always intended to be.
So, at this point, what is stopping you?