"You've reached Mr. and Mrs. Lowry. We're out of town while our house is being rennovated. If you could leave your name and number, we'll get back to you after the beep." BEEP!
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"Hi, Mr. Lowry? This is Tony with Beyond Plumbing. We're in the middle of installing your new toilet and we've had a bit of a problem..."
BEEP!
"Hi, Mr. Lowry? This is Tony with Beyond Plumbing. We're in the middle of installing your new toilet and we've had a bit of a problem. You see, instead of hooking your toilet up to the normal sewage line, we accidentally connected it to a pressurized sewage feed used by a nearby sewage treatment plant. Innocent mistake -- nobody could have foreseen it. Don't worry -- while the toilet backed up, nothing has spilled onto your new floor. We had a shutoff valve that will keep your house clean. We're committed to clean toilet operations in our business."
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BEEP!
"Hey Mr Lowry; Tony again. I got your message. I understand a neighbor called and got you all scared, saying that they can smell sewage leaking from your house. We checked and there does appear to be a teensy bit of sewage flowing out from your toilet. So I guess the valve failed to work for some reason. But there are some big kinks in the pipe from when one of our plumbers fell through the floor -- did we mention that there's a hole in your floor? -- so there won't be much coming out."
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BEEP!
"Mr. Lowry, I got your message again; please, calm down. Yes, from the street, you can notice a bit of a smell, and there are flies gathering. But please understand -- this is a very small toilet and you have a very big bathroom. Of course we'll pay whatever it takes to get things fixed up, but you just need to let us take care of it. Yes, the bucket we put beside the toilet to catch the stuff that's coming out isn't working, but we're going to try shoving a pipe into your toilet to catch the leaking sewage as it comes out. Plus, we're adding some sweet-smelling cyanide compounds to help mask the scent. We at Beyond Plumbing live in this neighborhood, too, and we are committed to making this right."
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BEEP!
"Mr. Lowry -- please, you don't need to fly back home to take care of this, and please, don't ask the state board to revoke ourr licenses. Every plumber in this town has had their share of mistakes. Our contractor had no clue that when he installed that shutoff valve, having the handle broken off would come back to bite us. Look, when we installed those webcams in your house for you to watch our cleanup operations, that was a service to you; I don't agree with your description of it as a "waterfall of waste running down your stairs". We're going to try pumping some mud down your pipes and maybe tossing in some golf balls and pieces of tires to try to jam up your toilet to stop this mess. Please stop yelling -- I just want my life back.
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BEEP!
"Tony again. I hereby fully apologize for my statement asking for my life back. I am deeply hurt by the situation in your house and for your neighbor's dog who drowned in the sewage pond in your front lawn. I take full responsibility for my statements. Now please, could you ask the city attorney to stop investigating us? Yes, we paid your neighbor's son to help us with the cleanup and didn't give him a mask, but he said he felt sick before the cleanup started. He had been eating Indian food for lunch, you know. We'll send him a card in the hospital. As for your furniture floating in a fetid lake in your living room, our data suggests that this is not the case. We're just going to cut off the pipe leading up to your toilet and try to cap it off in the basement.
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BEEP!
"Hey Mr. Lowry -- Tony here. Did you catch our commercial on Channel 3 news? Now you all can see how hard we're working to fix the sewage flood on your block!"
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BEEP!
"Mr. Lowry -- if you get this message before you board your plane, please don't! See, we've got a cap over the pipe in your basement. A cap! We're sucking the sewage out to a truck in your lawn, see? We're drilling into the ground to try to cement the pipe shut. Two holes! It's all under control Mr. Lowry; please don't come down here!
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BEEP!
"Beat me up? Get my license revoked? Fine; see if I ever help you with your toilet needs again!"