This is the single most important infomercial ever aired in the history of television. I was surfing the single digit channels to find a news station talking about some thunderstorms in the area. On channel 6 we have a Christian programming channel. As I scanned by it, I saw these humongous buckets of food flashing across the screen, so I stopped to see what the hell Chef Boyardee was hawking THIS time.
(Cross-posted on The Rambling Weatherdude)
The very first thing I heard was this ominous message from a 90 year old angry looking man:
We are about to lose America. It is going into bondage. It is going into tyranny. It is going into economic collapse. The only way we can combat this is to rise up as Christians and prepare for our redemption from the Lord.
Oh boy, this'll be good. I grabbed my camera and waited.
A woman who looked like a cross between Tammy Faye Messner and Joan Rivers, along with her husband with an American flag shirt that says "One Nation UNDER GOD!" comes on and start talking to their hyper, rotund chef about how dangerous the world is today and how every good Christian out there needs to prepare for the end of America as we know it.
The chef agrees and starts rambling on about how much food you'll get in your "Time of Trouble" package. A year's serving of food for one person (only a one time "love gift" of $500) is four 10-gallon buckets of slop, er, food. They had four varieties of this..."food." Chicken noodle, barley, rice and something, and the other one was clam chowder! Mmmm, a paint bucket full of clam chowder. I can hardly wait for the Barackolypse.
(Mmm, chicken noodle)
(Mmm, clam chowder)
(Mmm, rice and...?)
The other option they gave their devoted sheeple was a one year serving of slop for two people (80 gallons of food, 2 water filters and a bunch of water bottles) for one "love gift" of $1000.
I highly suggest you get the above option, it's the best choice to survive the impending doom our New Tyrannical Government plans.
After they tested some of the food and bragged about how good it was, we cut away from the studio and saw how much danger we are in.
We face tornadoes...
Tsunamis....
Mudslides...
Nuclear annihilation...
Volcanic eruptions...
Oh noes! However will we survive? Ignore the fact that none of the above disasters actually match what the video showed. Hussein Obama's plan is to destroy you with his weather bomb machine, so accuracy is the least of our worries. Moving back to the studio...
Ah, there it is. The granddaddy of them all. The super survival kit. SEVEN YEARS of food, a shitload of water pitchers, water bottles and filters for each. All for one person. You can survive for 7 years after the Barackolypse for one "love gift" of $3000.
I have no idea how you can pass that up. I mean, look at all that food! Christ!
But that's not all! They also have individual food packages for you to buy. You can get 20 servings of food for 20 bucks in aluminum, heatable packages. They suggest that you use this food to barter with the remaining zombies for clothing, fuel, hygienic supplies, first aid kits, or even manual labor services.
I should have called the number. When the Barackolypse occurs, I'll be sorry. At least I have my Glenn Beck seed bank.
Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any images shown by whatever company sponsored the emergency food infomercial. Any and all broadcast screenshots belong to their respective owners. Originally aired on WLXI-TV at some point this afternoon.
Thanks for the rec list, everyone. I appreciate it. I guess you could say it's your love gift to me? LOL
UPDATE!
As Colorado is the Shiznit suggested, we should get someone to call the phone number and see what the innards of this thing looks like. Who better to do this than...STEPHEN COLBERT!
Help us get Stephen to do a story on this!
Colbert Nation: colbertweb@gmail.com
Colbert by Phone: 212-586-2477
Colbert by Twitter: @StephenAtHome
Comedy Central: http://www.comedycentral.com/...
If he did a story on it, it would be epic. Please help!