Given that the secret is out, I thought it time to make a full confession.
My name is Larime Taylor, and I am one of society's lesser people.
I know, it's shocking, but it's true. For years I've blown the heaping sum of $42 a month in food stamps on t-bone steak and prime rib, sometimes even sharing it with my Canadian wife who gets no benefits because we spent my $750 in Social Security on another plasma screen TV instead of her citizenship paperwork. I know what you're thinking - we could have an anchor baby. Sadly, there are limits to how much we will take advantage of the greater people in society, like Alan Simpson, and we just can't bring ourselves to do it. The profound pain we would cause him and other greater people is just too much to bear.
I've always been a lesser person. It started in the womb, when an unknown cause led to me having the birth defect Arthrogryposis. It was a conscious decision, I admit, the idea of a lifetime of getting to roll around everywhere in a wheelchair, never having to walk or do anything for myself was just too good to pass up. Why feed myself, or wipe my own ass when I can rely on others - sometimes people I barely know, like the Vice-Principal in elementary school - to do it for me? Ah, yes. The sweet life of trusting your juvenile, naked, helpless self in the care of strangers or pissing your pants instead.
Those were the golden years.
I've remained a lesser person all my life because it's just too good to walk away from. Living below the poverty line isn't so bad when you don't have to actually work. You get plenty of free time to enjoy the squalor and contemplate life's little mysteries, like whether electricity or running water is really more important. But it's not all fun and games, either! There's TONS of paperwork to be filled out, caseworkers to whom you must justify your continued existence to, and inspections of your home to make sure that a total stranger feels that you're living in acceptable conditions with the meager money you have. And boy do they get pissy when there's dog hair on the floor because you bought a microwave to cook food instead of a vacuum last month!
All in all, though, life as a lesser person is pretty good. I get to go to bed each night knowing that tomorrow will bring more of the things that I enjoyed so much today. I have the comfort of knowing that nothing will change. Stability. That's what's important in life. So I thank Alan Simpson and the other greater people in society for granting me these luxuries.
Thank you.