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After I got done laughing at and making filthy jokes about the Sanford sexual debacle, Larry Craig’s ‘wide stance’ and Vitter’s diaper daze, it seemed there was a brief pause in the sexual soap opera of American politics. And in that pause, I started wondering if political coverage was always this sexually explicit in America.  And sexually various.  I think we have the LBGTQ community to thank for the most effective and entertaining political strategy ever: Outing.

I could never run for public office. Somewhere there is a picture of me in blue lace undies, wearing my wrinkles and a black leather dildoo. What can I say? It was Halloween and there was Jameson. And Google knows that once in awhile I like to look at doggy dick. And large mammaries.  

"They" should ask me to run though because I am unashamed.  And therein resides a source of potential power if handled with the right Tude. I am a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, a famous asshole; and I am heavily medicated for public safety.  I would clean up personality politics forever. Guaranteed.

In my very first speech before the public, I would fess up about the dildoo and the doggy dick. And challenge my opponent to do the same.  Just to keep everybody honest, you know what I mean.  And guarantee undying interest in myself by the MSM forever.  Do you have any idea how many folks would actually vote for me? I could carry a political party on this stance alone. One, make them laugh and they are yours. Life is looking kind of grim lately. And two, everybody is sick to death of hearing about what other people do with their Things. Maybe we could talk about important things? Maybe?

At the very least this would be a great Second City style skit.  Don’t even bother telling me this is not a diary. Or it is not funny or too snarky. I warned you not to read it, didn’t I?

Originally posted to The Purple Pits on Wed Sep 08, 2010 at 11:06 AM PDT.

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