Skip to main content

New Edicts Against Burning Koran,
Blaming Gays For Weather

Richieville News Service - JERICHO
In a stunning development that goes to the very foundation of Judeo-Christian belief, a team of archaeologists say they have found ancient scrolls that contain numerous additional commandments issued by God to the people of Israel on Mount Sinai.  The new edicts, which scholars say must be added to the ten already contained in the Bible, are amazingly detailed and include injunctions against burning Korans, blaming gay people for hurricanes and invoking God's name when winning an Academy Award.

"We're still translating them from the Aramaic," said  Dr. Robert Langdon, professor of Expired Languages and Pre-Biblical Media at Northumbria University. "But some of them are pretty clear. Like this one: 'Thou shalt not threaten to burn Korans in Gainesville, Florida and say that you're carrying out the will of God when in fact you're just being a publicity hungry moron.' Amazing, isn't it? We still can't figure out how the ancient Hebrews knew that Gainesville is in Florida."

Speaking to reporters here, Dr. Langdon listed a few of the other new commandments. "Thou shalt not blame gay people for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods or other natural disasters. I'm not aiming at anyone in particular. Thou shalt not be the governor of South Carolina and have an affair with a woman in Argentina. Thou shalt not be a senator from Louisiana and visit prostitutes. Thou shalt not be a right-wing television commentator and then  say I told you to have a rally at  the Lincoln Memorial  on the anniversary of Dr. King's, 'I Have A Dream' speech.'"

"The list goes on and on," Professor Langdon said.  "There are hundreds, maybe thousands of them. Apparently God felt that ten general commandments weren't enough - he needed to be lot more specific. I mean why else would he give us this one? 'Thou shalt not be an evangelical pastor and a leading opponent of gay marriage and then hire a rent boy to go on vacation with you in Spain.' I mean, that's pretty unambiguous, don't you think?"

The new commandments were found  in the same caves where the famous Dead Sea scrolls were discovered,  and scholars say there is no question as to their authenticity. But their discovery does pose problems, especially for conservative politicians who have been fighting to have the ten commandments displayed in court houses and public buildings around the country.

"Luckily, there's a commandment about that, too," Dr. Langdon pointed out.  "'Thou shalt not try to force your narrow and infantile view of religion on people by undermining the separation of church and state.' Now, that's one heck of a commandment!"

For all the news from Richieville, subscribe to

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Originally posted to Richieville on Sat Sep 11, 2010 at 08:55 AM PDT.


what's your favorite new commandment?

1%1 votes
8%6 votes
14%10 votes
45%32 votes
30%21 votes

| 70 votes | Vote | Results

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site