New Edicts Against Burning Koran,
Blaming Gays For Weather
Richieville News Service - JERICHO
In a stunning development that goes to the very foundation of Judeo-Christian belief, a team of archaeologists say they have found ancient scrolls that contain numerous additional commandments issued by God to the people of Israel on Mount Sinai. The new edicts, which scholars say must be added to the ten already contained in the Bible, are amazingly detailed and include injunctions against burning Korans, blaming gay people for hurricanes and invoking God's name when winning an Academy Award.
"We're still translating them from the Aramaic," said Dr. Robert Langdon, professor of Expired Languages and Pre-Biblical Media at Northumbria University. "But some of them are pretty clear. Like this one: 'Thou shalt not threaten to burn Korans in Gainesville, Florida and say that you're carrying out the will of God when in fact you're just being a publicity hungry moron.' Amazing, isn't it? We still can't figure out how the ancient Hebrews knew that Gainesville is in Florida."
Speaking to reporters here, Dr. Langdon listed a few of the other new commandments. "Thou shalt not blame gay people for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods or other natural disasters. I'm not aiming at anyone in particular. Thou shalt not be the governor of South Carolina and have an affair with a woman in Argentina. Thou shalt not be a senator from Louisiana and visit prostitutes. Thou shalt not be a right-wing television commentator and then say I told you to have a rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Dr. King's, 'I Have A Dream' speech.'"
"The list goes on and on," Professor Langdon said. "There are hundreds, maybe thousands of them. Apparently God felt that ten general commandments weren't enough - he needed to be lot more specific. I mean why else would he give us this one? 'Thou shalt not be an evangelical pastor and a leading opponent of gay marriage and then hire a rent boy to go on vacation with you in Spain.' I mean, that's pretty unambiguous, don't you think?"
The new commandments were found in the same caves where the famous Dead Sea scrolls were discovered, and scholars say there is no question as to their authenticity. But their discovery does pose problems, especially for conservative politicians who have been fighting to have the ten commandments displayed in court houses and public buildings around the country.
"Luckily, there's a commandment about that, too," Dr. Langdon pointed out. "'Thou shalt not try to force your narrow and infantile view of religion on people by undermining the separation of church and state.' Now, that's one heck of a commandment!"
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