I often hear President Obama described as arrogant and aloof. Perhaps he is, perhaps not. As a biracial person, I have a different take on the issue that might be at play here.
I am often seen as detached even though I feel things deeply and passionately inside. It may be a trait I was born with but I also learned to be that way growing up biracial.
I decided early in childhood, as Obama apparently did, that I wanted to get along with both sides rather than choosing only black friends or white friends. This was in the Sixties, so it was a challenging trick to pull off, but choosing one side felt like an unacceptable limitation. And so I enjoyed a wide variety of friends, which was great.
However, as I played tetherball with the black girls, my white friends would eye me warily as if suddenly remembering I was different. And when I switched to foursquare with my white girlfriends the black kids would ignore me or be hostile for awhile to punish me for being stuck up. Once I started a friendship with a lonely Chinese girl and played hopscotch with her for a week. That seemed to mess everyone up.
So the side effect of my playground hopping was that my childhood friends were never sure when I would "flip" and go hang out with the other side for awhile. No one could trust me to be a part of the racial team. Just where were my loyalties? Well that was just it. I didn't have any. Playgrounds are tribal and I was a rogue. Well-liked most of the time, alluring in that people always seemed to be curious about me, but held at arm's length too, for fear I would spill secrets to the other side I guess. And perhaps there was some jealousy that I could do what others felt they could not. Or maybe I just made people uncomfortable. The whole, birds of a feather flock together thing.
This created distance. And I learned to live with it. It was the price I had to pay for not choosing a side. I had entrance to both worlds but never felt completely comfortable in either one. I do not regret this choice. I consider it a gift to have such a unique perspective on racial groups. But it has shaped my personality.
I learned to keep my "blackness" wrapped up when around whites for fear I would make them uncomfortable. I tried not to be too "white" with the black kids. And I learned to be careful. Very careful. Perhaps too careful.
The result is that I am often accused of being detached or too neutral. I learned not to rock the boat and it takes a lot to get me riled enough to show it. I do not have a gut feel for "whiteness" and "blackness" and so I may not always show the "fire" that a group wants from me. And when I do belt out some good ole "party line loyalty" it almost ALWAYS gets met with angry, indignant opposition from the side I did not take. On those days I have been accused of being arrogant. I once heard a white co-worker sigh, "I guess she is black after all, that's just the black coming out".
But most times, no one gets what they want from me. I dish up a healthy salad when hands from both sides are outstretched for comfort food. Because I've learned to be careful.
I am also obsessed with bridge building between the two groups. I am so busy wanting people to get along, relinquish pettiness and see reason that sometimes I am too slow to call out bad behavior for fear of being labeled an "angry black woman" by whites or "stuck up white bitch" by blacks. I can be too cautious.
I think our president has this same trait. His gut defaults to the conciliatory middle. In addition, the reasonable "arugula" path of what is best for us is so obvious to him that he can not - or will not - see the hands outstretched for the comfort of mashed potatoes.
The learned behavior of excessive carefulness.