HOUSTON — Fresh from a victory to add fluoridated toothpaste to its list of contraband classroom items, the Texas Board of Eduction voted to remove "pro-Islamic, anti-Christian numerals" from all math books used in the state's public schools.
The unanimous vote called for replacing all texts containing Arabic numbers with Roman numerals. Since no such textbooks exist, board members said they would begin conducting a job search for Roman mathematicians "who have renounced Jupiter as their lord and savior." The board is also reported to be looking into the development of a faith-based powered calculator that would be able to compute using the cumbersome Roman numbering system.
"We have determined we cannot no longer allow Arabic numbers with their Islamofascist bias to remain in our midst," board member, Thelma Gasper, stated before the vote.
The irate Gasper also expressed concern about what she calls "the inherently slutty nature of Arabic numbers."
"We are particularly concerned about the salacious nature of 6 and 9. For far too long these filthy numerals have gone rogue dangling their in-your-face naughty bits upon our nation’s youth."
Why the Texas Board of Education is just now looking into the Islamic threat to arithmetic could be found in a statement released on the board’s facebook site.
The board’s recent wall post stated, "Inspired by the brave near-burning of Qurans by a Florida minister and unable to get attention by calling every point of view other than our own as being communist, the board has decided to hold a public burning to cleanse our textbooks of the evil influence of Quranish numbers. In the face of growing budget cuts, we will rely on the power of prayer to finance the new non-Islamically numbered textbooks."
Board member, Hilmer Femur’s last minute amendment "to strike all demonic references to 666 from the Bible" has proved more problematic. Femur is demanding that all Bibles in the state be burned along with the textbooks in order "to be rid of the Mark of the Beast".
Summing up his thoughts on what has proved to be the Arab world’s most universally divisive number, Femur concluded,
"It’s anti-Christian to give credit to the A-rabs for inventing the zero. I think we have shown the world that proud Texans like us are able to figure out how to add up to nothing on our own."