Forrest Gump would know better than this.
Oregon voters are considering, right now, a pair of ballot measures that include slight tax increases to keep the state solvent through an economic meltdown. All indications are that Oregonians get it, they understand the problem and they favor the measures. Of course, there's a right-wing opposition that equates taxation with leprosy, buggery and incest. The opposition, run by the alchemist Mark Nelson and his Igor, Pat McCormick, have mailed bogus letters to voters, made up numbers that even The Orangeonian has disclaimed as false, and now are airing a television spot filmed in a bakery.
In all of Oregon's, broad, wide expanse, where did they go to find the little bakery in which to film this television advertisement? An advertisement that purports to show how Oregon businesses will supposedly lose jobs if these twin ballot measures are approved? Come on, guess.
Portland? Eugene or Corvallis, where there might be some bakeries near the universities?
Salem? Or even Medford? Or Bend -- surely a new bakery or two has sprung up in Bend.
Or did they get some of the out-of-season Shakespearean actors in Ashland to set up a bakery scene for them?
No. The genuis duo of Nelson and McCormick and their merry band of eye-poking misfits called Oregonians Against Job-Killing Taxes filmed their awe-inspiring bakery ad in, of all non-Oregonian places, AUBURN, CALIFORNIA. [Huge hat tip to Blue Oregon. Check it out.]
That's Auburn, California, friends -- home of the non-Oregonian Olympic women's pole vaulter Stacy Dragila and the non-Oregonian movie actor Tomas Arana. Ever read the poetry and short stories of Clark Ashton Smith? Me, neither -- he's a non-Oregonian from AUBURN, CALIFORNIA. And if you ever studied the California Gold Rush, you might remember it didn't happen in Oregon because Oregon's NOT in AUBURN, CALIFORNIA.
How far is that from Oregon? It's a six-hour drive -- that's 329 miles across Highway 97 to I-5 -- from Klamath Falls, or five hours of a straight shot down I-5, 323 miles from Ashland.
Full disclosure: I've never eaten an almond cinnamon what-the-hell at Paula's Bake Shop in Auburn, California -- largely because I've never felt suddenly compelled to drive for hours to get to Auburn, California, for baked goods -- and I'm sure they're mouthwateringly delicious. For that matter, I'm willing to concede that Paula Zacheis Graziano is a sweet person, though I've never met her and therefore couldn't testify to it in a court of law. But I'm pretty damn sure that even if Measures 66 and 67 were approved by voters and contained tax increases a thousand times larger than they do, Paula's Bake Shop wouldn't be shorted a single red cent because Paula's Bake Shop is in AUBURN, CALIFORNIA.
The long arm of Oregon's law may stretch from the length and breadth of the Willamette Valley, but it DOESN'T stretch to AUBURN, CALIFORNIA, practically on the doorstep of Arnold Schwarzenegger's office in Sacramento.
Who thought of this? Around what table did this idea get vomited forth and receive general approval from the group? Which fool plucked his thumb from his mouth long enough to say, "Hey, guys, since we can't find any real businesspeople in Oregon who would be driven to the point of ruin by the itty-bitty tax increases in these ballot measures, let's find somebody in CALIFORNIA and film a tee-vee spot in her bakery! Nobody in Oregon would EVER know the difference, and we might even get to write off the mileage as a tax deduction!"
And did NO ONE at that table consider, in the moments that passed as this colossal example of stupidity settled into the cool air, that filming such an ad in Oregon made better sense? That it might even give a few bucks to some out-of-work actors, maybe spare a few dollars to the business owner who's presumably complaining about not having even cash in the bank in the first place?
I beg to know, what man and what woman should be fined by the universe for birthing the intellectual pygmy who unearthed this clay lump from his gray matter? And is their offspring the same one who wrote letters on behalf of the globe-trotting dairy farmer from Tillamook and the bocce-balling CPA with the riverfront mansion, both claiming to be perched precariously on the brink of financial disaster because they might have to kick in a couple hundred dollars more to the community fund?
If it was, in fact, Mark Nelson and Pat McCormick who conjured this plan, both of their political consulting licenses should be revoked, because it's a pretty egregious example of malfeasance.
Would anybody from Oregonians Against Job-Killing Taxes like to comment on this public relations debacle?
Anybody?
Anybody?