Where is Jonathan Swift, Voltaire, and Mark Twain when you need them? Since our illustrious Supreme Courtesans have decided that a corporation is a person with Constitutional rights, I thought it might be worth exploring some of the logical consequences of such a stipulation. Although Republicans don't yet have the balls (so to speak) to assert these implications, you can rest assured they inevitably will in time.
- A person has the right to kill in defense of their own existence.
You might think a little more carefully before signing your name to that class-action lawsuit, if its potential rewards might be greater than the value of the company. And, of course, if you succeeded in bankrupting a company, expect to be charged with murder.
- A person can be elected to public office.
When Google (D) is defeated by Exxon-Mobil (R) for the Presidency, and Viacom subsidiaries sweep the Senate, the political situation in America will be unambiguously FUBAR.
- A person can vote.
One person, one vote - the Constitution is clear on this. So, just as clearly, if corporations are people, and establishing a corporation costs x dollars, and if you have y dollars at your disposal, then you have in effect (y/x) + 1 votes you can cast. If it costs $100 to establish a corporation, and you have 1,000 dollars, you have 11 votes - your 1 individual vote plus your 10 corporate votes.
As the federal Constitution trumps state and local laws, this is the same on all levels of politics, so a billionaire could effectively move to a low-population state and vote himself a new state constitution. He could then even more easily elect his own Legislature, which then means changing the federal Constitution to explicitly enshrine his new status would be that much easier.
If Donald Trump were to move to Wyoming, he could therefore change its name to Trumpland, and pass statutes against anyone making fun of his toupee. Of course, there would be more competition among rich people for control of states with a lot of beach-front or ski lodge property, so a form of democracy might very well survive in those places: All 100 or so of the richest people (including corporations, of course) in the state might have to engage in discussions and votes amongst themselves to get things organized.
Just imagine the glorious, historic debates that would take place when the movie studios argue with the retail centers whether to turn the homeless shelters into theme parks or slave labor camps. And think on the kind of creative compromises that would result - a labor camp theme park!
- A person can serve on a jury.
Everyone has a right to trial by a jury of one's peers, so what does this mean in the case of corporations? Perhaps, as I'm sure Republicans will argue, it means that a corporation can only be convicted by other corporations. Although, since they can be jurors, they can also be attorneys, judges...hell, even bailiffs. They're already soldiers, although paid a great deal more for their "services" than humanoid personnel, and subject to no discipline of any kind.
So maybe you don't have to be that concerned about filing your class-action lawsuit after all - it would be heard before Judge Cargill Inc., with a jury consisting of Archer Daniels Midland, Dow Chemical, IBM, BP-Amoco, etc. etc. In other words, it would be summarily dismissed, and you and everyone attached to your suit fined or jailed for "contempt." Justice would be just as blind, but its scales would simply be used to weigh money rather than facts.
- A person can found a tax-exempt religion.
And the Lord came down from heaven and said unto them, Yea thee are led astray, and I have sent unto you a prophet to guide ye back into My ways, and his name is Wal-Mart Inc. Take up the logo of thy Lord's prophet, and adorn thy clothing, vestments, and automobiles with it so that the Lord's message may be spread among the heathen. Go daily to your local temple and give your offerings to the Lord, and accept the shitty Chinese-made bounty he provides unto you in return.
- A person can sue for defamation.
Have you ever said something unkind about a corporation? You might have to think harder about it next time.
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Of course, "humanoid" people have responsibilities in direct complement to their rights - they have to pay taxes, may be drafted, and can lose freedom or their lives for committing crimes. These limitations need not apply to corporate persons, because of course...uhh...well, just because. Shut up and get back to work, peasant.
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Incidentally, in reference to the title, I would like to state my intention to launch a corporation whose sole asset is my penis, and that I fully intend to exercise the rights this incorporation will give to my penis. My penis will then have full freedom of speech, including the right to be seen in public and run for office. While my penis has not made any firm decision as of yet, it is considering a run for the Senate. To the five Supreme Courtesans who voted for this ruling, my penis thanks you - you are an inspiration to penises everywhere.