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I knew it all along. I knew that the Democrats were unicorns living in a magical fantasyland. Let's just hope that this announcement doesn't get Carl Paladino horny, no pun intended. Now I would show you his adult films, but that would be unprofessional for a Fox News journalist to... okay, I'm BSing you, here it is, the orginal footage. This will be a ratings boom. Can we get more exploited women in bikinis, please? Thank you.

For my internet readers, I will post the video on my blog later this evening.

Look, we already knew that liberals live in a land of rainbows, unicorns and cupcakes called The Castro District, but it is so clear now that they are unicorn overlords in disquise. How else would they cram their legislation through our rear doors? That is your proctology exam under Obama Care! Obama's socilist unicorn agenda is really getting out of control.

So to backtrack, the story of the century is that Sarah Palin has announced that Democrats are living in a magical fairyland of unicorns. This expalins Obama's elf-like ears and his fascination with Keebler cookies. All this time we thought that he was a Kenyan Socialist Nazi Muslim who feasts on the flesh of our grandmothers, but this is much worse... now he can use his unicorn hope horn to impale your grandmother and then eat her flesh. But save the organs for me, remember, free market, free organs. I don't care how they get on my plate, and Obama doesn't even use every part of the grandmother, anyway. So we're on to you, unicorn overlords. Don't sprinkle your pixie dust around here. This is America, not the Care Bear cloud.

Speaking of My Little Pony, we turn to Bret Farve. Now look, I can sympothize with Bret; I have sent lude photographs of my junk to my producers in the past and settled out of court for heaps for money. Just don't let it affect your career, Bret. I know that I am never speaking of my sexual exploits again... at least that is the condition of the restraining order. So Bret, don't panic, you will get through this terrible ordeal, just relax and sport a loofa.

Now on to Meg Whitman. Who cares how much money a candidate spends to buy an election? So she has spent more money than any candidate in U.S. history to become governor of California, let the people choose the product. I mean, they choose to buy detergants that are supposed to eliminate wrinkles but don't, and they choose to buy Goldline even though it has been exposed as a scam to sell people worthless gold so they will never see a return in their investment. So when you think of Meg Whitman, think of Goldline, and invest wisely.

Speaking of witches, the Christine O'Donnell story won't go away. Look, I have to admit that I have dabbled in witchcraft before. I was young and in love with this Yale drop out, and you know what happens when two people are in love. I knew that she was a witch because she rode my broomstick and her cauldron bubbled. She broke my heart, and I will never see her again. Who knew that witches could file restraining orders?

So Sharron Angle is in the hot seat for wanting to privitize social security. What do you expect, she is from Nevada. Legalized gambling is a way of life. Sharron, I am on your side, and I have an idea to make this work. Remember how popular Pokemon cards were? Well, we can make Social Security cards with Wall Street company logos, and you trade them for life and whoever has the best cards win. What are the corporation's powers? Unlimited, thanks to the Supreme Court. But seriously, you will not know how well your company's cards will do until you are sixty five. Doesn't that sound like a fun game? So Sharron Angle, I saltue you for bringing Nevada's love of gambling to our retirement homes. BINGO!

Now I will finish tonight with a pick me up story about Chilean miners trapped in a mine who were rescued after sixty nine days in the mine. Now I may have a controversial opinion on this, but I say that we should have left them down there. We would have found that if they were worthy of survivial, they would have pulled themselves up from the bootstraps. Instead, the govenment bailed them out like they did the banks. Now look, the bank bailouts were essential so that my friends could recieve their billion dollor bonuses, but bailing out miners? It was their fault that they were that far down in that hole, I say that they have to dig their way out. I mean, American dug itself out of it's hole. Unfortunately, we dug our way to China, but that is besides the point. I say that if we start letting mutant mole Latinos cross our borders, then they will make us all into moles.

That's the factor for today, join me next time.

Originally posted to TheNextDylan on Sat Oct 16, 2010 at 08:43 AM PDT.

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