"Good morning, Anita Hill, it's Ginny Thomas. I just wanted to stumble across the newly-emptied Tanqueray bottles scattered across the fine imported Persian rug in our den and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. Lord knows why anyone does what they do with my husband – he is kinkier than an amyl-nitrate soaked teenage Furry at a 90’s rave with bad ecstasy... I mean, Dennis Hopper’s character in Blue Velvet is based on him, you know what I mean?
...You know, I don’t normally drunk-dial like this unless I’ve had a lot more to spur me on, but I guess four Daquiris, a couple of bottles of Nyquil and the peyote buds that I found in our son’s sock drawer don’t mix very well...
Anyhoo...I guess you know that Clarence and I are pretty much the prom king and queen of the Tea Party movement, the John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John of the neo-con fraternity. And you, my dear...well, you are basically the minority kid whose second out of three jobs is making sure our table is stocked with milkshakes at Arnold’s. Yes, I know Happy Days and Grease are two different shows, but they are a little bit similar, and that’s what counts.
But frankly dear, we could use a little good news – after all the nice trips the Koch brothers sent us on, they expect that Pookie’s...I mean Clarence’s Citizen’s United ruling would pay off. Well, I guess we never expected that the rabble would pay attention this election season – we figured that if we put enough foreign, sweat-shop produced money into ads, we would be home free for these mid-terms...and then it’s Mama GrizzlyMoose time!
So honey, what’s been happening is, well...people are paying attention to what our candidates our saying, and it’s pretty unseemly. I don’t mean to say what our candidates are saying is unseemly – I think that an informed electorate deciding to actually fact-check is very, very...umm...tacky...
(answering machine cuts off)
Howdy Doody Anita! I didn’t realize that I’d been talking so long! Wow, it’s 9:30 in the morning already...Conchita, uno mas margarita mucho favor!! Conchita is such a good housekeeper, and it would be really sad for us to lose her, especially since it is hard to find good help at such a low price. But she does want to see her family in Guatemala someday, and she does understand that until we can ship her out she has to stay inside the mansion at all times...
Sooooooo...to get back to why I called, Pookie and I were talking yesterday, and we decided that we needed to get back to the old days when no one questioned us. You have to admit, we did a real good job years ago with making a Yale Law School graduate like yourself look like Monique in that "Precious" movie... Oh my lord, that was great! Pookie got on the bench without everyone knowing about his...how should I say, proclivities? Yes, that’s it...proclivities...it sounds so much less disturbing that way...
And that’s what we are doing, Honey...trying to bring us back to a time when people didn’t think about whether someone was qualified to hold office - back when you could get someone confirmed for the Supreme Court that is so freaky-deaky Courtney Love and Vincent Gallo won’t sext him back. If you apologize for not putting on that Nixon mask like he liked, we can get back to making sure the peasants don’t get too curious about who’s running and where the money comes from.
So give it some thought. And whether you do Santeria sacrifices or face Mecca like the current occupier of the White House, certainly pray about this and hope that one day you will help us understand why you did what you did.
Anyway, I’ve got to go - Pookie wants to play Catherine the Great and the Cavalry again, and I have to go put on that horse costume...Conchita, mucho mas tequila!
OK, have a good day."
(click)