Nutty and slutty are the first two choices of approach in the policy of personal destruction. The media has taught it to one and all. In the early 80s, it used to floor me how well five year olds could do it in a Beverly Hills private preschool.
Nutty was applied to Eagleton and he had to resign and McGovern never recovered from his "judgment" choice but of course that term could never be applied to Palin or chooser McCain. Of course Dukakis was nutty because he was stupid enough to have his picture taken in a Tank. And poor Carter was so nutty he was attacked by an insane rabbit. Ellsberg was initially nutty from having a nervous breakdown about reading planned strategic lying and terrorism tactics of the US government.
But there is nothing nutty about needing a prostitute to diaper you and still being elected United States Senator. What will we tell our children? A blow job is messier than a diaper.
I know all this intellectually but I still cringe about being labeled. It was a big enough deal that as long as I had living relatives; I was very careful what I said publicly.
The last five years I lived in Texas (90-95), I spent much time teaching my daughter to conform in public and let loose at home. I taught her that southern charm is always about smiling sweetly while slipping in the stiletto. You stay aware of that and never let them get close enough. I said never let them see you sweat. Never admit to any weakness. Keep your problems private. And she did.
Of course, she hung herself at 13 and 10 months. She didn't do it at home. She did it at an all girls school in Toronto where she lived the last 32 days of her life. The last two weeks being shunned. She has now been dead longer than she was alive. October 22 was the 15th anniversary. the pain is only somewhat less but I now have the ability to talk about it.
Kirkengaard said Life is lived forward but only understood looking back. Silence has not done any good. Every LGBT diary I read and every suicide recorded is just one more tear.
I stay with this community regardless, because it is the epitome of being different. We have had a lot of nutty and slutty displayed here. What is interesting to me is who it is applied to as a label and who does the labeling and who is defended and who is branded. That is the reason I am going to write these diaries and put a face to my part of these stories.
I was ten years old the first time I witnessed a group bullying. The smallest geeky boy nerd of the fifth grade had started wearing a yarmaka to school and he told us he was doing this to prepare for his barmitzvah. None of the majority baptists had a clue what that was. It was just clear that he had become a dirty jew. So they tied his arms up and dangled his head in the dirt by his feet telling him to say he was a dirty jew.
The reason this is still so vivid to me, is that I was standing there--the smallest, nerdiest girl praying please god don't let them do this to me. The answer to my prayers was my dad being transfered out of Texas and me beginning the long road to understand difference.
My story and my daughter's is long and complex; complicated. I think it needs to be told but I can never really tell it. But I will give it a shot. One of the things I would like to ask the community is to let me put a face on this. I would like to post a couple of pictures of my daughter and I but I do not know how so I would like to email them to someone who can do this as a comment.
I love Dallasdocs diary about restoration following teacherken's on going discussion. Because for me this country and my local community never gets restored until we recognize our need for redemption. I liked the diary of the other shoe to drop because it talks about spirituality. I once felt the goodness of America. We all made mistakes but the goal was always to do better. Now it is destroy whoever gets in the way of what I want.
Most of my life I have walked away from confronting the ugly. I learned that at ten--my fear of my school chums did not go away until I left them. The leaders of that gang grew up to be a distinguished military student at Texas A & M and the most influential physician in the San Antonio medical community. Their opinions and the fact nobody ever came down on them ripples through their self righteous judgments in the political process they still play in.
They dogged that boy through high school. He killed himself on his motorcycle at 25. On our high school reunion of 30 years, they toasted him. I threw up. It was my first and last reunion. I left at 10 and returned at 15--nothing had changed but me. Now I knew for sure what was right and what was wrong but I still could not stand for that publicly.
I still wanted my scholarships and a chance at success more than I wanted to do the right thing. I had been blackballed from honor society for saying I was a socialist and helping campaigns against the poll tax. I had to be content with being a national merit scholarship---a federal program that the state and community could not take away.
I had to be 21 to find understanding within myself and make my first stand in San Francisco. That will be my next diary. The slutty.