In anticipation of high employment of lawyers over the next two years in the Washington DC area, DC area Bar Associations are holding an Awards Banquet for Representative Darrel Issa (R, CA-49). Rumor has it the Chicago Bar Association has signed on too. Spokesman for the DC Bar Association commented they wanted to offer their thanks to Congressman Issa in allowing the area Law Firms to suspend a round of lay-offs that were anticipated come January. The spokesman noted the Congressman's recent announcement of his intention to investigate all aspects of the Obama Administration's short term in office to "root out the wasteful programs" of the Obama Administration, has brought new life to area Law Firm's Divisions not engaged in lobbying.
The Banquet is tentatively set for 18 December. The spokesman noted it would be a combination Christmas Party and Awards Banquet. The MC for the event is scheduled to be Dennis Miller. Among those anticipated to be Award presenters are Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and Christine O'Donnell
In anticipation of the increase of lawyers for members of Obama's Administration hiring personal lawyer come January, let's start our lawyer jokes now.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
Real Moments From Courtrooms
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"
"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
A Short Version of One of My Favorites
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment.
The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."
St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
More Extracts From Our Courtrooms
"Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."
"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."
"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."
"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."
"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"
"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."
On with the games!!
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I. That's enough for now. (Have a suggestion? Post it.)
MKinTN posted a diary to help everyone achieve greater success called How to Succeed at Mojo Friday Without Really Trying.
For those of you new to MF (Mojo Friday) we have our own lingo about a few things. Thank's to MF'er Jez (the link will explain) go to this diary for a little more fun and explanation. Official Mojo Friday Snecktionary.