It has been a hard year, one of reassessing not just aspects of working and personal life but political life as well. I had my trial by fire this winter - a branding and scarring education that life is fragile, short and subject to significant degradation in quality and quantity at any time.
That was the easy hurdle. As is human nature, crisis can forge new friendships and alliances, resurrect old ones, bring to light resources that you never knew were there. It can also, like a fierce acetylene torch, shine uncompromisingly on friendships and familial ties that exist only in name - or exist only as means of others to extract energy or resources from you, when you need energy and support the most.
This last education I have had in full measure this year. I would rather live better, in the company of better people. I am still learning how to separate myself from my own blind failure in this respect. I aspire to learn how to judge myself and others better, live better.
Now for the hard part. I have come to a time of reassessing my beliefs, my basic assumptions - and that includes politics, faith in institutions, in the general progressive agenda - and in its particulars. I am assessing my trust in elected officials and appointed officers of the governments of the land. I am drawing ever closer to the conclusion that every single thing that is currently upheld as mainstream-spectrum American politics is obsolete, flawed - poorly conceived, horribly executed and cynically manipulated for short-run personal and careerist advantage.
And that none of this is especially earth-shaking new to most. It's just me - slow, naive, sentimental me.
The siren song of cynicism has been whispering from the rocks as my darkening heart sails past. Why care? I've asked of late. No one does, the people who claim to do so least of all. The Republicans want to see blood. The Democrats want it to be anyone else's but their own. What sane person would allow themselves to be bullied into such a feckless, useless choice? There is not a question of lesser/greater of evils. It is two sides of the same colossal sin: in their decades-long struggle for power, both of the major parties have truly lost their way.
And now the people, left and right alike, now that there is a time of national crisis, are doing as any community does - taking stock of real friends and allies, noting with surprise what commonalities are there - and what assumed communities of interest simply aren't part of the picture.
And while there is great animus between liberals and conservatives, their first targets of wrath have not been each other: it's been those they held close to their trust, even their love. Those in whom they placed hope to do - nothing superhuman. Just to do the very human, very possible things that they said they would.
The mass of the right has had their say to its own leadership - we are taking your rhetoric at face value.
The rhetoric of the right is violent, talks openly of revolution, is absolutely uncompromising in its expectation of obedience. The message to those who claim to represent the right - deliver heads on platters, or we will come to collect yours. And I believe this flight to medievalism - to a 10th century-caliber social contract - is accelerating.
The rhetoric of the left is reasonable, talks openly of mutual interest and remains unwavering in a strong volunteerism to give of its vitality freely - to shed its own blood freely - to obviate the need for anyone to come and take it by force. And I believe this line of concession will never, ever stop. The political history of most of the 20th century was very kind to the American left. It is home and hallowed ground to the Democratic Party. It is where the party has chosen to make its final, very generous and conceding stand to preserve the basis of its greatness.
But the 21st century must be resisted at all costs, for the 20th century to endure. And the 20th must - else we get the 10th century instead.
So, what am I thankful for?
I am thankful to be alive, to be disappointed by the harsh reality that a body that I once assumed to have nearly superhuman strength turned out to be pretty much usual human after all.
I am thankful for the month I had to spend with my wife after my weeks in the hospital.
I am thankful for the gifts of love and support from many people from all over the country, and all over the political map.
I am thankful for the chance to say hello to old friends, say good bye to some, say hello to new friends and say good bye to some of them as well.
I am thankful for the chance to rant and scream and blog and grumble about politics yet again.
I am thankful that I could be tempted by cynicism, to size up the merits of just not giving a f--k about anyone else. After all, I have tremendous qualities. I could exercise them to great and selfish purpose... for a while. But life's short, too short to waste tilting at windmills or chasing absurd ideals. Right?
No..in the end, as I contemplate all of this today, I most grateful for other things.
That those I choose to care for, to include in my counsels, to let into my heart, to give my friendship and love to - sometimes too easily and too deeply - that they can hurt me, disappoint me, anger and outrage me...
Because that means they can also heal me, surprise me,amaze and assuage me, and make burned bridges whole and wrecked fences mended.
Because it means that I still care.
Because it means all of those things that I can do to others? The hurts and the outrages? The annoyances and the wrongs great and small?
It means I can make such things right... not always. Some, not ever.
But it means I that so long as I can stand to get my hands singed every so often, I still have the courage and the strength to hold up a torch of hope.
It means I am still alive - not just a body with vital signs, but a life worth continuing. A life with promise. A life with vitality.
It means there is still light, perhaps just moonlight on rough waters, but it's a guide away from the siren-song shoals of cynicism. A path to faith, to hope and to love.
And for these things I am thankful most of all.