Kookbourgh, VA - A local conspiracy theorist voiced his frustration at the lack of "interesting content" to be found in the latest Wikileaks document dump: "Gee, what a drag. You would think that with over four hundred thousand diplomatic cables to choose from, one would find some juicy bits in it ... Instead nothing. I have not been so disappointed since the Mentos-Coke fountain turned out to be explainable by simple chemistry".
The forty one year old white man, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition to be identified only by his internet nickname, "The Truth Beast, but my friends call me just 'The Beast'", said that he had great expectations about the Wikileaks release: "Man, I was like: this is it, now we are going to know the truth! May be not all of it, you newer know all of it, but a good chunk? Yes".
The Beast showed us the basement of his mom's house, were he had organized a Wikileaks watch party with some of his "truth seeking" friends: "We do not call ourselves Conspiracy Theorists. We are just truth seekers. Man, we are not saying there is a conspiracy behind it, or that the government is covering it up or stuff. All we are saying is that we need more investigations. We need to find the truth, you know what I mean?"
Pointing at the ceiling lined with tinfoil he continued: "See? This way you do not need to wear your hat while surfing the net. It would be inconvenient, because after a while you get all sweaty and start dripping on the keyboard. Anyway, what was I saying? Yes, the truth party. We were all ready, we had, like, a three day supply of Cheetos. I did not want to get the expectations too high, so I warned them: 'Look, we are not going to get Obama birth certificate, that's not going to happen, OK? And the JFK assassination? Just forget about it. That shit is too old.' But I was pretty sure we would get a good crack at the 9/11 government plot: may be the location on the ocean where they sunk the real planes. Plus I was confident we would find out what is really happening to the bees, and what's up with the white nose bat syndrome. Then I was hoping for a little bonus, like a picture of the fake moon landing. A man can hope, can he?"
After the leaks started to be released, the initial euphoric mood turned to puzzlement first, then quickly to disappointment and despair: "We were like: 'Dude, what's this shit?'. I mean, Mr Berlusconi is a senile young girl groping maniac? Like that is a surprise... Vladimir Putin is a macho bully? Gee, tell me something I do not know... Seriously man, where is the beef? Karzai is corrupt? Give me a break!"
We asked The Beast if he had any comment on the revelation that the US was directing his diplomats to spy on the foreign UN delegations: "Yes, like anybody cares about that crap. I mean, they release four hundred fucking thousand secret documents, and all you are going to find out is that Ahmadinejad is a nut case? I mean, nobody in there is talking about Area 51, not a single word about alien autopsies, not a mention of the controlled demolition of the Twin Towers. What a waste of time!"
We asked him a final comment about Wikileaks: "I am telling you, there is something fishy there. You are not going to believe the DOS attack crap, aren't you? Look, I am not saying this is a cover up or something. All I am saying is that wee need more investigations. We need to find out the truth".