Yes, it's true... News outlets all over America are talking about me this morning. Granted, they're also discussing the fate of approximately 1,999,999 other people just like me, but I'm not going to let that spoil my 15 minutes of fame... NOSIREEBOB!!!
Many of you might be asking yourself how one achieves this high degree of notoriety. It's quite simple...
Step 1 -- Get laid off or fired for some reason or another. Note: This isn't as easy as it seems.
Step 2 -- Exhaust all benefits before finding gainful employment. Note: Again, not as easy as it seems.
Step 3 -- This is key... Time it so your benefits run out at precisely the moment congress has it's head so far up it's ass that it can lick the underside of it's larnyx. Note: This is perhaps the easiest step in the whole process.
Voila! There you have it! Fame, if not fortune, is as easy as 1, 2, 3...
Man those unemployment checks were SWEET! Check this out, bitches!
WOOT! Can I get a holla!?!?!?!?!
On top of it all, I got this heartfelt letter of congratulations from the Administrator of the Division of Unemployment Insurance:
Nice, huh!! I'll bet Mr. Hal Bergan personally made the keystroke that electronically signed it! How awesome is that? Anyway, the way I figure it after they deduct child support and then tack on that $25 stimulus I'll clear a whopping $96 today when my final check gets here! I wonder if I should buy a frame for the letter...
What a great country we live in! I'm so thankful that President Obama listened to the American people and made our wants his top priority.
Next on the agenda? BAILING OUT THE MILLIONAIRES!!!
UPDATE: I'm looking at the responses to the included poll and find that a majority (52%) are in the first 9 weeks of unemployment benefits. That does not bode well for our country or myself... But thanks for the reclist! :)
UPDATE 2: Commenter FG has pointed out that perhaps people who are not unemployed are the reason for the high poll numbers in the 0-9 range. All I can say to that is, "Gee, I hope so!!"
It looks as if I've got about 15 minutes of computer time left here at the public library. I'll be commenting from my trusty T-Mobile Sidekick for the rest of the evening in case any of you are still lingering about.
Finally, I thought you should all know that my final check arrived in the mail this afternoon with a notice that it was indeed my last one. It turns out I was off on my estimate. I received $98 instead of the expected $96! Any suggestions for what I should spend my extra $2 on? I'm thinking maybe a cookie.