Going into Saturday I was worried - so worried that I could hardly sleep a wink the night before. I was worried that perhaps the Senate would vote to invoke cloture on the proposal to extend the current tax rates only for incomes up to $250,000 per year. This would have been disastrous for me. As one who expects to earn $750,000 next year (Can you believe they consider me to be rich?), this would have cost me a lot. As a result I was actually contemplating having to lay off one of my groundskeepers (maybe he'd go back to Mexico then).
But my fears were vastly overwrought. Thank God - no, make that Republicans - that the Senate totally failed in the effort. This is certain to force them to make the cuts for harder working higher earners permanent.
So, first and foremost I must say that I truly appreciate those of you who voted these Republicans into office this last November. I realize that most of you do not work as hard as me and thus do not make more than $250,000 per year (that's OK, I do not hold that against you). But I truly admire your support and your votes for Republican office holders. Through that support you have shown me and the American people your obvious willingness to give up your tax cut to ensure that I keep mine on all my income. This is really American of you. And just to let you know, I intend to reward your kindness. With the money I save, I will be able to pay off the mortgage on house number three, two years sooner than expected. That will make more money available so that bankers will be able to loan you more money at lowered rates for the purchase of your second or third house. We can all feel good about things this way.
And to those who called their Senators urging them to vote against this cloture, I have to say what wonderful chaps you are. I mean, giving up your time like that so that I would not have to pay an extra dollar. I mean it is just downright neighborly of you to do this for me, given that you have no assurances that you will gain anything from your actions. As you might expect, my job makes it impossible for me to make these calls so it's a good thing you did. BUT, you will be glad to know that your actions will benefit some of you. When the tax cut is made permanent for me you can be assured that I will immediately sign that contract I have been delaying to replace the old pool at house number 2 in Arizona (Pootie and I refer to them by numbers). I made Manuel put it in the contract that he is to use only SS card carrying individuals. I am not rich so I realize that this won't help all of you that made calls, but some of you will and that is what is important. If others do their part as I am, then I am certain you will all reap rewards from using your otherwise unproductive time this way.
And to you selfless Senators that voted against cloture, I have got to take my hat off to you. The easy thing would have been to just vote with the Democrats to keep taxes the same on only the first $250,000 and throw poor, defenseless people like me under the bus. Did you pause to consider that no tax cut at all could lose you thousands of votes next election? Obviously not!! You stood on principle and defended my money and wealth. Words simply fail me. I want you to know that I will be sure to have my accountant accurately determine the net tax savings to me from this and distribute 10% of that to some of you. If you could save me more money, there would be more to distribute (hint, hint).
So, from the bottom of my heart, to Republican voters, supporters, and Senators thank you, thank you, thank you. And of course, God Bless...