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Welcome to The Factor,
Now some of you might have heard that the Bush tax cuts are being extended for two years, and I think this is great news. President Obama has changed his campaign slogan to "Yes We Can" to "Yes We Can... But We Won't."  Now I can afford that fifth mansion in the Aspens that I have always been dreaming about, and so can the middle and lower class folks, of course. After all, the money hasn't trickled down yet, but trust me, I will need to pay someone to shovel that snow from my driveway. See, the economy is improving already.

Now I am gainfully employed at Fox News, but I am very fortunate. Very few people get to sit in my chair or wear my shoes. Except for my new producer Sally, who can wear my shoes anytime, anywhere. Hey, where are you going, babe? Ah, who needs her, anyway? Like I was saying, not everyone is fortunate enough to host a show on Fox News, but try MSNBC. I hear that they will hire anyone. Here we have standards, and take pride in hiring people like Glenn Beck or 9/11 conspiracy theorists like Andrew Napolitano. Now Fox News offers differing points of view. I am not a 9/11 conspiracy theorist, but we do not shy away from controversy, even if it is made up controversy.

Now we have an unemployment rate of 9.8 percent, and let me tell you people, it is because we threw money at schools, parks and roads and police. The liberal pin heads will say that the Bush tax cuts, the housing bubble, greed on Wall Street and the two wars we are in caused the economic collapse. That is not true. The free market decided that if you are jobless, homeless or in need of a personal bailout, than you're out of luck. Tough crackers, you lazy bum.

On to the WikiLeaks scandal. No, my elderly audience didn't wet themselves, this pinhead named Julian Assange leaked secret military memos to the public. Fortunately he has been arrested, and I assume that no more documents will be leaked. Now I am all for leaking information that will devastate Hillary Clinton and her sissy envoy, but still, leaking information to the public is bad because then they learn things they were never meant to know. End of discussion.

So Jon Stewart is attacking Christmas. He thinks that changing the name of  the "Tulsa Christmas Parade" to the "Tulsa Holiday Satan-Fest" is a good idea. Of course, Jon Stewart is biased because he celebrates Channukah, the Jewish festival of lights where a candle that was supposed to burn for one day burned for eight. Bravo, Mr. Stewart. That is much more impressive than the birth of our Lord and Savior.

Now some pinheads on the left argue that Jesus was in fact Jewish, but I can assure you that this is not the case. Give me one piece of evidence that shows otherwise. Nobody? I rest my case. Anyway, other religions are wacky. I mean, Hindus worship cows, Buddhists believe in who knows what, and Jews use their holidays as an excuse to get drunk and make more Jewish babies. Am I wrong?

The only morally right, unspoiled holiday is Christmas. Sure some say that Christmas has been commercialized to the point where we forget that Jesus did not want presents and that he stood for the poor and meek. But my new Jeggings say otherwise. If Conan can pull it off, so can I. Conan, look out, I am after your young demographic, and they can't take their eyes off me.

This has been The Factor. Join me next time when I gouge out Keith Olbermann's eyes with a candy cane. Mmm, I can smell those chestnuts roasting on the open fire.

Originally posted to TheNextDylan on Tue Dec 07, 2010 at 08:42 AM PST.

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