If Dave Barry can write a review of each year then, by Golly, I can too. After all, I'm funnier and better looking than he is. I'm sure of this because I have a mirror and often laugh at my jokes. If you would like to find out if my claims are true then follow me below the Intro section (the part you're reading now and thinking, 'Maybe I should get high first.')
(Obligatory link to a great 2005 Christmas column of Barry's in order to make this diary legitimate and interesting to Kossacks) I will be reviewing the year 2010 because 2011 hasn't happened yet and 2012 will be a short year due to Mayan Calander (another great link).
I'll publish 3 months, in order of appearance, each day for the next 4. That way you won't need to spend 2011 just reading my review of 2010.
In January: 2010 began with such great movie releases as Bitch Slap and Youth In Revolt (a theme which would become reality on November 2nd--2008). In headlines we learned that white roofs can reduce urban heating and less water vapor could slow warming trends. Also, the execution of fun guy Ali Hassan al-Majid:
Ali Hassan al-Majid, cousin of and former aid to Saddam Hussein, is executed in Iraq for his role in the poison-gas attack of the village of Halabja, where 5,000 Kurds were killed.
Okay, he was widely misunderstood. On most days Mr. al-Majid was a very funny and loving man.
Haiti really felt a 7.0 quake that, as is often the case with such events, turns out to have nothing funny about it.
The United States and the United Kingdom have closed their embassies in the country of Yemen due to ongoing security threats from the terrorist group alQaeda.
This was the official kick-off to 2010, occurring on Jan 3rd, but the attack was thwarted by GOPers blocking their "Attack Westerners Again Act of 2010". The underwear bomber was a member in good standing of this group (though they urged him to wear robes while around them).
In Febuary:
The Obama administration says it’s moving forward with a new round of sanctions against Iran. At a White House news conference, President Obama criticized Iran for shunning a fuel-swap proposal and said international support is growing for sanctions.
Iran promptly ignored those sanctions and the world objected to being ignored. President Obama was widely criticized for this action by Progressives. In a statement, Queen Elizabeth said, "We're not used to being ignored and don't care for it one bit. No, not one little bit."
Also,
In other Haiti news, the Miami Herald reports at least two politically connected US firms have begun jockeying for lucrative reconstruction contracts. The firms, Florida-based AshBritt and DRC Group of Alabama, have already held separate meetings with Haitian President René Préval. AshBritt has attracted controversy for a $900 million government contract after Hurricane Katrina.
And we wonder why other nations, such as France, shake their heads about us. AssBritt's, um, AshBritt's motto seems to be "No disaster so terrible we can't immediately start taking advantage of it."
Then, in March: We learned that
Scientists have known about internal icequakes for years, too -- small seismic signals presumably let loose when cracks in the ice slide like fault lines, or crevasses open up -- but it turns out there is a third flavor of icequake.
That flavor turned out to be common vanilla so the scientist's lost interest and got a Latte, instead.
President Barack Obama asked Israel to agree to put a four-month freeze on plans to pursue controversial construction projects in East Jerusalem, in return for enabling direct Israel-Palestinian peace talks to start, the Israeli newspaper Haaretz reported Wednesday.
A spokesman for Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that the prime minister's office had no comment on the proposal and could not confirm its veracity. "We won't we won't talk about it unless they do first," said spokesman Mark Regev.
The Obama Administration, led by Barack Obama, retorted by putting a thumb in each ear, waving their fingers and giving Netanyahu a raspberry. Progressives complained about Israel's outragious behavior and blamed President Obama, Democrats in Congress and (oddly enough) Benjamin Netanyahu.
Join me tomorrow, the day after (when people return their Christmas presents), for April, May and June.