In a bold midnight assault, members of the Tea Party calling themselves the Patriotic Patriot Citizen's Brigade for Patriotic Patriotism Against Arctic Socialism (PPCBPPAAS) seized a number of US air defense installations and attempted to shoot down Santa's sleigh as it descended on a suborbital arc over North America. After seizing NORAD, the insurgents launched coordinated AAA and Surface-to-Air Missile (SAM) attacks on the jolly illegal alien in the pre-dawn hours of Christmas Day. Fortunately for children throughout the world expecting presents today, Santa's sleigh was recently outfitted with anti-missile flares and flak avoidance sensors. However, reindeer Comet and Cupid are reportedly in stable condition after sustaining peripheral wounds.
We have some footage of the spectacular barrage, along with some of Santa's counterattacks on captured installations:
A statement issued by the PPCBPPAAS reads as follows:
It is apropreeit (sic) that Santa wears Red because he is a Communist. No wunder (sic) he lives at the North Pole near Russia and, even more suspishously (sic), Canada. We will no longer tolerate this fat leech making our kids lazy with free stuff. Palin/Paul in 2012!
American forces, in coordination with Elf Strike Force commandos, were able to restore control of NORAD by dawn and end the assault. However, that was not the end of the drama: Upon hearing of the failure of the campaign, an unidentified assailant wearing a sign reading "Deth too Soshlism!" and a C4 vest walked into an outbuilding of Santa's workshop and destroyed the building in an apparent suicide bombing that left four elves in critical condition.
Upon hearing of the brief insurgency and suicide attack, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lamented the fighting, calling the attackers "misguided" and blaming Democrats for "making us...I mean, making the attackers do it." Republican Congressman Eric Cantor (R-VA) appeared to respond defensively, insisting that "I had no knowledge of what Tony...I mean, what the as-yet unidentified suicide bomber was planning. I really tried to talk him out of it...err, I mean, I would have had I known about it. But you know who should really be ashamed of himself? Barack Obama! Because." When asked to elaborate, Congressman Cantor reiterated "Because," with firmer emphasis.
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In totally unrelated (and actually real) news, enjoy this sunset on Mars as captured by one of NASA's Mars rovers. Some day this view will be a fact of life for a sizable number of human beings. Merry Christmas from one of humanity's robotic pioneers.