I have written before about my PTSD, I am not proud of the way I treated my family over the years, this was in the years before I admitted to myself that I had the problem and sought help for it. This was during the phase where I blamed everyone else because of my problems, my supervisors, my ex wives (4 of them) my kids, you name it I could find some one else to blame the problems on. I drank a lot, a few DUIs, some people call it self medicating, me I needed it to be able to fall asleep, without it I never slept being drunk I managed to close my eyes, being rested was never an effect I remember since my 20s. The nightmares were always hell and I seldom slept, I either worked 20 hours a day or if I was off I drank, so I was not a good father, I was in fact quite a shitty father figure. My kids lived in a good house, went to good schools, had food and clothes but that doesn't make a good father, I was never there for them and when I was, I was usually verbally abusive.
When I divorced the children's mother in 1992 all 3 of my kids are from the same mother, that was one of the smartest thing I ever did, only had kids with one woman. The years since then I seldom saw the kids at the holidays as their mother always had plans for them that did not include time during their Xmas vacations to spend time with me.
I then had extreme health problems starting in 1997 and she did bring them to the VA hospital when I had my open heart surgery, my son Kevin was about 5 then and the girls Susan was 17 and Sherry was 16. There were questions if I would survive the surgery or not, a simple 4 day triple bypass turned into a 6 week marathon of ICU and wards, infections and other issues. Then I averaged a heart attack about every 4 months for the next 2 years and had 2 stents placed. I was still a letter carrier at the Post Office during this period, and paid my child support of a thousand a month, that is what my ex was worried about. Child visitation was not a priority and she thought kids were weapons to be used, I didn't and I did not play the games she wanted. She managed to twist the kids and I did little to try to counter her head games, children should not be weapons used against the non-custodial parents, the one thing I did that she would not forgive was allow her husband to adopt my son, I refused to sign the adoption papers, and kept paying the child support. I might have been a lousy father but he is my son and I was not going to sign away my rights.
This year for the first time in more than a decade, we got a call on Tuesday night, my son Kevin who is home on leave from Fort Huachuca and his AIT training wanted to see me and bring his sisters and 2 of my grand kids, Kayla who is 10 and Joseph who is 3, I have not seen them in a room together since 1997, so it was something I wanted and I was also afraid of, if that makes any sense.
I did not know what to expect of them, hatred or a desire to see me for the holidays. They arrived and we exchanged small talk and then my wife Dori suggested we all go to Ryans to eat, and we spent about 2 hours eating and talking, catching up on their lives and how they were doing and what they were doing.
We did the easy way out for Xmas we got boxed candy bars and inserted cash in the boxes, even Kayla the 10 year old enjoyed seeing dead presidents in her M&M tin, she was already spinning her wheels on how she could spend it. I have learned over the years you can never go wrong in giving pieces of green paper with numbers on them they are always the right size and color, and no one ever wants to exchange them because they don't fit or are an ugly color.
They stayed until they had to leave so Sherry could get to work and everyone had a good time it seemed, Joseph is the only one who got a real boxed present, we bought him a wagon, what little kid doesn't like a wagon?
I was able to survive the day with the help of my Buspar and Zoloft, there were no fireworks, no one got mad and yelled which was an unusual day but given the fact that none of us had spent any time together as a group for years probably had a lot to do with it.
Maybe with a little luck, the coming year will help heal some of the rifts in the family issues, I can't change the past, it is what it is thee history has been written, now all we have is the future and like I told them, they have the choice to make it what they want it to be, they can call and just say Hi occasionally and make stupid comments like Dad I would like to take you to lunch but I am broke and can't afford it, but I am thinking about you, I might offer to give you the gas money to drive up here and buy your lunch.
Repairing broken relationships takes all of us to work on it, none of us can do it by ourselves, but the Xmas of 2010 opened a door, I never thought would be opened. It may be more than I deserve but I am grateful that they opened this door and I am willing to take it day by day and visit by visit, but I will not become an ATM machine to support bad habits, like lazy boyfriends or drugs. Yes they have attempted that in the past and I usually hang up on them, it has been a few years since they have done that, and they appear to be trying to get their lives together finally, I don't think I want to much kids to be happy and that support themselves, my son is 18 and just joined the Army the girls are 30 and 29, they are adults and it's time they take responsibility for their lives, if not now when?
So for me Xmas was a wonderful time, he best one I can remember since 1991 after I got home from my last war Gulf War One, god it was so long ago and so much has happened in that 20 years.
I have hope that maybe the next few years might get better family wise, I hope others can have as good a year as I have had. For my friends here at Daily Kos, thank you for your support.
It's not easy to open up because I have spent decades getting slapped down, and 4 of my ex's were great slappers...........thank God #5 was a real keeper and a really understanding woman Dori has kept me alive and given me reason to keep breathing and dealt with my messed up family issues we have been together since Nov 2000 and in March we will have been married 8 years. She works well with my doctors to keep me breathing and she is usually the gate keeper to keep the stress out of my life and she does a great job, without her I doubt I would still be alive, she gives me the reason to keep waking up everyday.
I want to take this opportunity to wish everyone at Daily Kos a very Happy New Year I have hopes that 2011 will be good.