pace David Letterman...
Kentucky Republican Senate nominee Rand Paul (R-Tara) seems to be in full damage control mode regarding his recent comments about the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the prior dismissal of a senior campaign operative for race-based controversies on MySpace and his opposition to the Americans with Disabilities Act. After kicking his own ass on Rachel Maddow's show less than 48 hours after winning the GOP nomination, Paul is now in full "staunch the hemorrhage" mode.
After consulting with his senior advisers drawn from the African-American cultural hothouse of Brigham Young University, Paul finally set about on a campaign of "Cover My Race-Neutral Ass". The following is a basic summary of Team Rand's best flakkery.
- Paul sports the Milton Friedman dashiki, claims libertarians invented it as a protest against West African grain protectionism.
- Paul invents the "Madison 'Fro" haircut - "natural and free" hairstyle merging Foxy Brown and the Federalist Papers.
- Paul loses serious family money on a lake trout franchise named "Friedrich's" for Fredrich von Hayek.
- Ben from Ben's Chili Bowl in DC physically kicks Paul's ass after Paulite Hill interns start a pseudo-violent U Street Chili Party after an Adams-Morgan drunken stupor.
- Paul puts out a gospel album of his own renditions, alleviating some of the existential embarrassment of both Orrin Hatch and John Ashcroft.
- Paul attempts to rush Kappa Alpha Psi at Morehouse, but is denied due to his failure to meet the "student enrollment in good standing" requirement by first matriculating there.
- Paul gets mixed reviews after putting out a rap remix tape sampling from of Ayn Rand's "Anthem" and Rudy Ray Moore's infamous comedy poem "The Signifying Monkey", gets sued by the estates for copyright infringement.
- Paul beclowns self upon meeting Boondocks creator genius Aaron McGruder, cites Uncle Ruckus as positive example of Black self-determination, somehow avoids repeat of Ben's Chili Bowl ass-kicking.
- In big pander, Paul proposes "Lift Ev'ry Voice" as new U.S. national anthem, until Old Man "Little Big Rand" Ron Paul slaps him straight.
- Paul covers over unlikely affair with Denise Johnston, African-American real estate attorney and single mom in suburban Cleveland, by claiming he was, quote, "Hiking the Underground Railroad."